If you missed yesterday’s Part 1 of “Thanksgiving with the Mayor”, please check it out here. If not, please enjoy Part 2.
And of course, have a Happy Thanksgiving. It’s so great to give thanks, isn’t it? It’s holidays like this that separate us from the animals.
With that, I’m off to tear apart and devour a bird with my bare hands.
See everyone tomorrow for the third and final chapter.
Thanksgiving with the Mayor
Part 2: Supper Time
(Everyone’s at the dining room table; the Mayor stands up)
Menino: (tapping a glass with his spoon) Excuse me, folks.
Rondo: Don’t shh me.
Menino: OK. OK. Now just quickly, on behalf of myself and my lovely wife Angela, I’d like to welcome you all to the very last Thanksgiving with the Mayor.
Thank you so much for coming. It truly means the world to us. We hope you enjoy this year’s smogisbraud of holiday fare, and I hope you’ll join me in giving thanks for all the local farmers who dedicate their lives to tirelessly tending the soil from which this bondiful harvest first saw the light of day . . .
Gisele: (whispering) What the hell is he talking about?
Brady: (whispering back) What?
Gisele: I said — What, the HELL, is he talking about?
Brady: Honey, listen. I realize this isn’t an ideal Tuesday night, but come on, it’s the last one ever. Let’s just get through this. He hasn’t even been that bad this year.
Menino: . . . in compclusion, let’s eat! I can’t wait for you guys to try the turkey. It’s so good that I swear you’re gonna walk out of here clucking! (Laughs)
Gronkowski: Uhhuh, don’t you mean mooing?
Gisele: Is there a tofurkey option?
Menino: But first, please, let’s join hands and say grace. I think we can all agree that there’s no one more suited to get us started than one of the most doniment STARTING pitchers in Red Sox history. Mr. Uehurbina, would you do us the honor?
Uehara: (looks confused)
Uehara: (Smiles, nods) 親愛なる神は、何よりもまず、私はあなたがこの一年間、私と私の家族のために行っているすべてのためにあなたに感謝したいと思います
Translator: Dear God, first and foremost I would like to thank you for all you have done for me and my family this past year. And a special, special thank you for my translator. Lord, he is truly the best. Please bless him with many virgins and a sweet new Vespa scooter.
Uehara: (kicks translator under the table) 私はあなたのお母さんを平手打ちします。私たちが食べることができ、これを包む
Translator: Um, yeah. I mean. Mr. Uehera says that he’s is blessed to be here and wish you all nothing but the best.
Menino: Amen. Now everyone sit tight. Angela and I will be right back with the food.
Bergeron: I’ll help!
Mrs. Menino: Patrice, please. For me. Sit down and relax. Enjoy your evening. Nothing would make me happier.
Bergeron: Sounds good, Mrs. M. Just holler if you need anything.
(The Meninos get up and walk into the kitchen)
Menino: Oops, sorry Poopy. Just need to sneak by here.
Ortiz: (a little angrier than the first time) I told you, man. There’s no Poopy here, man. This is Papi, OK?
Brady: (interjecting) Hey, David. Let me just ask you one more question. And if you’re sick of talking about it already, that’s totally cool . . .
(In the kitchen)
Mrs. Menino: Honey, he’s going to hit you.
Menino: Ha! I know! What did we set the over/under at again? Four-and-a-half Poopys?
Mrs. Menino: Yes, and my under bet is just about a lock. He’s two Poopys at most away from tossing you across the table.
Menino: Haha. We’ll see . . . we’ll see . . .
Mrs. Menino: More importantly, two quick critiques. First, having Koji say grace was genius! That right there is why I love you. But second, the clucking was kind of lame. Not even “Mayor Thomas Menino” is stupid enough to screw that up.
Menino: Baby, I’m gonna miss this.
Mrs. Menino: I am too.
Menino: You really think we should come clean tonight? Do we have to?
Mrs. Menino: Yes, we do. It’s gone on for long enough. It’s time for the next chapter in our lives. Here, just one more shot. To the mayor!
(Back in the dining room)
Rondo: No. You guys aren’t hearing me correctly. I don’t care about how many titles you won or what kind of odds you overcame. The 2008 Celtics are the best TEAM of the millennium in Boston.
Ortiz: Dude, you’re—
Rondo: Oh come on, Papi. Don’t even start. Ooh, so you guys had a bunch of cool guys in the clubhouse? Who cares. Just liking each other doesn’t make you a great team. A great team has to work together and understand each other. Become ONE. Baseball is 24 guys cheering while one of their teammates is off doing crap by himself.
Bergeron: Rajon, please —
Rondo: Really, Patrice? Tim Thomas, bro. Goalies mean way too much in the NHL playoffs. It’s way too random. Any team can get hot and win a Stanley Cup.
Rondo: Wait, Gronk. Before you say anything. Let me check that ring finger real quick? Oh, right.
Gronk: (angrier) Uhh—
(Brady clears his throat)
Rondo: Yeah, Tom. I get it. I used to play quarterback. I was damn good at it, too. I know what goes into winning football.
Gisele: Yeah, well maybe you can go pursue that once the Celtics dump your ass this summer.
Rondo: Dump this.
Brady: OH LOOK. THE FOOD’S HERE. Tom, Angela, let me help you with that. Honey, come on. Take that casserole off Mrs. Menino’s hands.
Bergeron: No worries! I’ve got it!
(The food is out and being passed around the table)
Gronkowski: Umm, Mrs. Menino?
Mrs. Menino: Yes, Rob?
Gronkowski: Do you guys, uhh, happen to have any more beer lying around?
Menino: Gonk, but you brought over that whole six pack.
Gronkowski: (smirking) Uhhuh. What can I say? I guess they’re just going down a little quicker than usual tonight.
(Menino looks over Gronkowski’s shoulder and into the backyard, where he notices Bill Belichick camped out in a tree, looking into the house through a pair of binoculars)
Menino: Um, I, um I’m very sorry Gonk, but that was the only alco—
Mrs. Menino: We’ve got some Cuervo in the kitchen, Robby! Here, come in with me and we’ll fix you a quick shot.
(Gronkowski and Mrs. Menino walk into the kitchen. Menino glances back out the window)
Menino: Uhh, OK, honey. But only one, please, Gonk has a big game in Houston this week.
Mrs. Menino: Oh, don’t worry about us. Rob is a big boy. Hey, your turkey looks a little dry, why don’t you ask Poopy to pass you the gravy.
(Ortiz picks up the gravy and slides it aggressively down the table)
Ortiz: This is going too far, man. Papi’s not feeling this sh*t.
Menino: So, how’s everyone enjoying their meal?
Ortiz: (inaudible mumbling)
Bergeron: Delicious as always, Mr. Mayor! Thanks again so much for having us. It’s an honor to be here again. I’m thankful that we can all be here to celebrate with you.
Brady: Hear, hear! This is absolutely perfect.
Rondo: My turkey’s kind of dry.
Gisele: Yeah, mine too.
Translator: Would it be OK with you guys if my translator steps outside to call his girlfriend and have a cigarette?
(Uehera kicks him again under the table)
Ow! I mean, uh, nevermind. Turkey’s great. Yay Thanksgiving.
Menino: OK. Well, listen up, folks. As your finishing up your meal. I have slightly big announcement. You see, well . . .
(Gronkowski bursts through the door, now wearing nothing but his Zubaz and a ripped Hulkamania tank top. Mrs. Menino follows, unable to contain her laughter)
Gronkowski: Boo yeah, bitches! Wooh! Love me some Turkey Day!
Menino: Gronk, please take a seat. Honey, I was just about to break these guys the news.
Brady: Hey! Wait a second. Mr. Mayor, did you just call him Gronk?
To be concluded . . .
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