By Adam Hart
Apologies. They're the worst, aren't they?
Remember that thing I did? Really sorry I did it.
No, you're not. Nobody's ever truly sorry. But the sports world would like to think so, and we've reached DEFCON 1 as far as that goes.
Bill Belichick's not apologizing in the right manner. Maurice Jones-Drew's not apologizing -- at all. And Washington City Paper is defiantly unapologetic for making Redskins owner Dan Snyder sad.
Enough is enough. Rice is also rice, but that's not important right now.
WGS has literally spent minutes handcrafting apologies for those in sports who most need to deliver them. One can only hope and pray they actually recite these publicly. FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN, RECITE THEM PUBLICLY!
This is all my fault. I'm sorry, but I should've gotten into soccer much earlier than this. Haven't owned Liverpool for even one year, and we've already executed one of the great public relations moves of my career; all by transferring world-class striker Fernando Torres to Chelsea for 80 million and replacing him for 13 million. Can't wait to tell my hedge fund buddies about this one. Don't want to bore you with the details, but we turned a fan favorite into the opposite, and turned ownership from that very opposite into a fan favorite. Oh, yes. Owning a soccer team club is most exhilarating.
To all my fans, I'm really, really sorry I couldn't make it as a Rocket USA Bozo Bop Bag. He gets knocked over, but always bounces back to his feet. I have a lot to learn about becoming a Rocket USA Bozo Bop Bag. In time, I hope to prove as well-balanced as a child's toy.
Look, I'm really sorry for pretending to be tough. It was LeBron's idea, not mine. Being the original thinker he is, he said, "Hey, C-Bosh. Why don't you start acting bad on the court. The Celtics do it and they're totally awesome." I'm not proud, but I did it. So, sorry for being a studio gangster.
Yes, I had to look up what "studio gangster" means.
Nike erases all traces of LeBron ever suggesting such an idea to Bosh.
Mark "Nacho" Sanchez
I've been thinking about this long and hard -- between nose pickings -- and I feel bad about lying before. Turns out I didn't need shoulder surgery to throw like a real man. Sure, you all saw me fling it against the Patriots. But a doctor even told me surgery was a stupid idea. Guess Coach Ryan did a good job fooling everybody with that injury report thingy . . . OH COOL, A FIRE TRUCK!
I apologize. ESPN really shouldn't have made a big deal out of National Signing Day, because the stars are high school kids -- poorly-advised, egocentric high school kids. Like me! Ahem . . . um . . . I mean, the stunt I pulled was funny. That kid with the dog was cool, too. But maybe next year they won't give such a grand stage to these athletes, most of whom will never live up to the hype . . . Hey! Wait a minute . . .
These apologies are WGS APPROVED.