By Justin Aucoin
Perhaps you havent heard, but the New England Patriots violated Buffalo Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick on Sunday or so he says.
I felt like I was getting pinched and poked and prodded. I dunno, but I felt like I was violated a little bit.
Cue Dan Patrick (and the rest of us) giggling like a little school boy. Great follow up question by Dan afterwards, so the video is worth a watch.
Rumor has it Fitzpatrick was seen filing charges after the game.
And, pulling one from the Montreal police, Buffalos finest rounded up the usual New England suspects to interrogate.
But who violated Fitzpatrick? We stole -- correction -- copied, the Buffalo Police Departments investigation notes.
Suspects name: Albert Haynesworth
Height: 6-6 Weight: 350 pounds
Motive: After being ridiculed for being lazy and a locker room cancer, Haynesworth is looking to prove to himself, his family and the NFL that hes more than just a chronic planker.
Police investigation results: We were sure we had our man from the start. A guy whos been criticized and ridiculed almost every game since he entered the league surely would be frustrated that he and his team were being run over by a bunch of chumps from Buffalo we mean, future Super Bowl champs. Sadly we also noticed that the New England Patriots had filed for a missing persons report earlier that week.
Suspects name: Wes Welker
Height: 5-9 Weight: 185 pounds
Motive: Being awesome.
Police investigation results: Our initial findings were promising. Mr. Welker had 217 receiving yards on 16 catches against Buffalo. These stats surely point to Mr. Welker violating Mr. Fitzpatrick. Alas, after DNA testing our investigation concludes that Mr. Welker was merely violating the entire Buffalo defensive team and not the victim in question. Also, we couldnt catch Welker if we saddled up a cheetah. Were pretty sure hes a mutant of some kind.
Suspects name: Zdeno Chara
Height: 6-9 Weight: 255 pounds
Motive: Being tall or so says Montreal
Police investigation results: Frankly, we never thought Mr. Chara was the one who violated Mr. Fitzpatrick but the Montreal police insisted that we do a thorough investigation of Mr. Chara anyways. Our results, however, will not please our friends up north has Mr. Chara was too busy getting ready to violate the Canadiens again to have anything to do with the crime in question. Habs fans will have to go back to crying to themselves once more.
Suspects name: Logan Mankins
Height: 6-4 Weight: 310 pounds
Motive: Being big and mean with a bushy beard
Police investigation results: Our fourth suspect had to be it we thought. Mr. Mankins is big. Hes mean. Hes a big, mean ol bully. And no one with a fu mang chu mustache can be trusted! Or so we thought. When we investigated into the whereabouts of Mr. Mankins during the fourth quarter we found out that there were several reports from residents in Buffalo that Mr. Mankins was on a rampage, destroying the city. We did write him a ticket for destroying Mr. Fitzpatricks car, though.
Suspects name: Pat the Patriot
Height: 65 Weight: 200 pounds
Motive: Rebel rousing
Police investigation results: Surely Pat the Patriot couldnt have been the criminal! Hes a beloved mascot. He represents the team! But our investigation shows Mr. Patriot had no alibi at the time of the violation and he had plenty of motive. His team was on the brink of losing! He had to do something.
We also found some very incriminating evidence of Mr. Patriot:
"We knew we had our man!
Pat the Patriot was shortly thereafter arrested and charged with violating a quarterback. His hearing is in two weeks.