By Jon Fucile
Boston.com did a little post about all the bandwagon fans watching the Bruins now and many people are grabbing their pitchforks and Bobby Orr replica sticks and chasing off these fair weather fans.
Here at Wicked Good Sports we believe in helping our fellow manwoman and decided to put together a handy little guide for all you bandwagon fans out there!
First of all, welcome to hockey!
As you can see, the fieldcourtdiamond is covered in ice! Brrrrrrrrr! It is chilly! Grab those sweatshirts before you get to the game, youll need em!
Out of the four major sports, hockey is the only one that does not use a ball. Hockey is played with a puck which is a circular piece of rubber that is fired at the goalies head, often at speeds approaching 100 mph. SCARY!
Dont worry though! There is very little chance youll be hit with one of these.
As a bandwagon fan, were sure youre probably already buying tickets to the first game of the Eastern Conference Finals, but youll need to do more!
Just to be sure everyone knows you are a bandwagon fan, you should probably run down to the Bruins Pro Shop and pick up a shirt andor jersey.
If you are a girl, you should definitely go for the Lucic jersey! All the ladies and Bruins pink hats LOVE Lucic because hes super handsome and used to love to use his hands to pummel people in the face before he started using his hands to score.
Easy ladies. We meant score goals. Settle down.
If youre a guy, youll probably want to pick up a Tyler Seguin shirt! He was drafted second overall and is super duper awesome!
Side note: Just so you can impress the hardcore fans sitting next to you, make sure to excessively talk about how awesome Tyler Seguin has been so far this post season. Talk about his awesome suit and how you can tell hes really studying the game when hes not on the ice!
Youre going to hear several rumors about Tim Thomas loving cheeseburgers, but we assure you he is not the founder of Wendys and is vicariously not a ghost goalie. Tim Thomas is waaaaaaaaay different from Dave Thomas.
If the Bruins are down in a game and just cant seem to score, make sure to talk constantly about how they wouldnt have this problem if they still had Phil Kessel. People will have zero idea that you are a bandwagon fan.
If the Bruins have the puck on the power play, and we admit this is a big "if", makes sure to constantly yell SHOOOOOOOOOOOT! SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! at the top of your lungs. Even if a Bruin has the puck behind the net or if taking a shot from where the player is will result in a -4.67 chance of the puck making it anywhere near the net.
Then when they dont shoot, take about how every player on the team is a bum and theyll never make it anywhere. Youll fit right in!
If you want to seem really smart, do what a lot of people do at the game and call a friend during overtime and say no one scored in the third quarter so now the Bruins are trying to get a basket before the other team. Youll seem really knowledgeable and everyone will think youre a super fan!
Even though it is your first game and you have never heard about hockey before two days ago, remember to talk about how much you love Bobby Orr, Phil Esposito and Ray Bourque. Recall stories your dad told you about the first time he saw Orr throw a hail mary pass down the field in overtime or that one time Ray Bourque took his shirt off at Espositos retirement night and gave him a Chippendale's style dance.
Wacky hockey players!
When pronouncing the players names, whenever Lucic is on the ice make sure to say Loo-chick or Loo-chich despite the fact that Lucic has come out and told people his name is pronounced Loo-cheech.
Also make sure to say Tyler Say-gwen and David Kry-Chee.
If it is a one goal game late in the third, make sure to loudly complain about the fact that no one is getting in a fight and that this is lame. I mean, you didnt come to watch a couple of teams play hockey right?!!? Come on!
If you are sitting near Section 306 and start a Yankees Suck chant, expect to quickly become familiar with guys named Sean, Mike, Justin, Jon, Chris or Robb and also expect to be berated endlessly for the rest of the game. This is NEVER acceptable, even for you newbies. Screw baseball, it is hockey season.
Hopefully these helpful tips will help you bandwagon fans become full time fans. And if not, well see you next spring, new friends!