Who cares that the Bruins haven't put together consecutive wins since Jan. 12?
Does it really matter that they've got serious injuries to two important forwards, Rich Peverley and Nathan Horton?
They're just two points ahead of the seventh seeded Ottawa Senators, but hey, they're in second place right now.
Their starting goalie is more concerned with proving that global warming is a farce than he is with stopping pucks (relax, stereotypical Bruins fan -- we're exaggerating on this one).
But really, times have been tough for the B's of late. So tough, in fact, that somebody named Carter Camper (two last names!) is getting ice time.
None of this matters though! Why? Because according to Sports Club Stats ("Your team's chances of making the playoffs"), the Bruins have a 100-percent (99.983-percent to be exact) chance of making the playoffs!
Don't' believe us? Check out the scribble chart. You can clearly see that, um, based on, well . . . science and stuff, that the Bruins are a lock for the playoffs.
See the Bruins on there? They're the orange line. No, the other orange line. No, not that one. Nope. Nope Yeah, that one.
But it gets even better. Despite the slump, injuries, and climate change (come on, it's 55 degrees in February), the B's are wait for it the favorite to win the Stanley Cup. Ahead of the Rangers, Red Wings, Canucks -- you name 'em, the B's are in front.
"Dats cuz Chiarelli knows wut he's doin'," says somebody in Southie.
According to the chart, the Bruins' win over the Blues last night raised their league leading "Win title" percentage to 22.2-percent, a full 3.5-percent more than the Rangers, and a whopping 8.5-percent over the NHL-best Wings.
So I guess that settles it then, "Get the Duck Boats ready Again!"
What's that? According to the same bros, the Giants had a .5-percent chance of winning the Super Bowl?
Uh oh.