Prince Fielder gets 180M to promote Grand Slams, etc.

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By Mary Paoletti
CSNNE.com

Time for some Friday fun! How can you have fun when you're stuck at work all day? Why, it's as simple as reading sports headlines. Still not convinced, huh. Let us take you through the process, then. But don't feel bad-- we at WGS understand that we're infinitely more creative than the average bear. It's our burden to... bear.

Sports Illustrated: Fielder to get 180 million?

180 million for what? It can't be baseball. The guy is, as my editor said, "a heart attack waiting for happen." Ah-ha! So it must be endorsements! Prince Fielder to get millions to endorse Bayer Aspirin?

Or Lipitor. Aw, screw it. If American is going to trust this guy about anything it's food. "Fielder to get 180 to endorse Denny's." If there was ever a face for the Grand Slam it would have to be this guy (Replace that meat with extra-extra home fries, please.)

Savior in Sacramento?

JESUS CHRIST! IN CALIFORNIA!

And he wants to help the Kings? Why isn't this a bigger deal?! And who gets to say "I told you so" to David Stern?

Mauer suffering from 'extreme flu-like symptoms'
Two ways we can go with this one.

1. Mauer's barfing and other bodily grossness is absolutely out of control. The only known precedent for such "Ewwie" is in puppetry:

2. Or, in his sickness, Mauer has been having delusions about being a part of the greatest soft rock band in the history of America.

ESPN: Lincecum gives to injured fan

Gives what? A kidney? A lung? A Band Aid? Maybe 'a helping hand'. Or some plasma. Yeah, it was probably plasma.

Actually, I bet it's medical marijuana. Naw, just kidding, Mitch--er--Tim.

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