By Mary Paoletti
Remember the kid in your first grade class who got in trouble all the time? He'd call the teacher a butthead, push the "popular" kids down during play time, and throw full-body hissy fits when the same baby nerds always got gold stars on their writing worksheets.
This kid is Terrell Suggs.
I'm no psychologist. I did, however, take Intro to Psych in college while pursuing a degree in a completely different field. So! Let's take a look at what T-Sizzle was mouthing off about in his conference call with Pittsburgh media on Wednesday. We can then translate what the trapped little first-grade Suggs, who so desperately wants attention, might really be saying.
QUOTE: "Your guy over there, No. 92 Harrison, I think he is red-flagged," Suggs said. "The referees are kind of looking for him. Even if he breathes on a quarterback wrong, he might get a flag."
PSYCH REPORT: Speaking of red flags! The fact that Suggs would stick up for a guy like James Harrison is telling. These two feel persecuted and are banding together. They're like Kirby and Rudolph, except not at all. Rather then be an elf who wants to be a dentist or a reindeer with a red nose, Suggs and Harrison are "different" because they consistently hurt people. Keep on the lookout for further recruitment. The NFL might end up with its own Island of Misfit and Highly Dangerous Linebackers.
QUOTE: "The league has their favorites," Suggs reportedly said. "One being in Indy and one being with that other team up north. Besides those two, everybody is fair game."
PSYCH REPORT: Classic jealousy. T-Sizzle is upset that Peyton Manning hasn't needed his . . . help . . . to win over the last decade in Indianapolis. He's also hurting because Tom Brady hasn't invited him to join his UGG boots ad campaign. A little inclusion by these two QB's might go a long way for poor Suggs.
QUOTE: Like I always said, Carson Palmer got hit in his knee in 2005 but there was no rule made. Then Tom Brady got hit in his knee and all of a sudden there is a rule and possible suspensions, excessive fines its just getting ridiculous.
PSYCH REPORT: More hate for Tom Terrific--and this won't be the end of it. See how nice Suggs is to Palmer since Carson invited the LB to his birthday pizza partysleepover extravaganza?
QUOTE: (On the Andre Johnson-Cortland Finnegan fight) "Maybe if I throw some punches at a quarterback with a bad hairdo, I'd get thrown out of the league."
PSYCH REPORT: This Brady bite concerns me. Sounds like Suggs watched the JohnsonFinnegan fight and immediately weighed the consequences of beating up the Patriots captain. (He is talking about Brady, right? I mean . . . "bad hairdo." C'mon.) The league should keep an eye on this before it escalates and there's a "playground" incident.
QUOTE: "I quit doing cocaine," Suggs said of why he's having an improved season. "I'm just playing, I'm just playing! I've never taken cocaine. My mom's going to kill me. I'm just playing, I'm just joking."
PSYCH REPORT: Here, Suggs is showing a more likable side -- an impish class clown. Everyone knows that drug abuse is hilarious. Terrell just wants to make people laugh! Usually, though, the part of him that wants to inflict excruciating pain on people wins out.
DIAGNOSIS: Roger Goodell can't do a thing to make this guy keep his mouth shut and his play clean. But Suggs's Mama? She and a wide wooden spoon might be able to straighten him right out.