SLS Survivor: A Friendly Challenge

July 29, 2010, 12:15 pm
By Mary Paoletti
CSNNE.com

Welcome back to Sports Legend Seniors Survivor: Shutter Island.
In our first episode the contestants were ferried over to the island and split into their respective teams.

George VII: Harding, Foreman, Namath, Retton, Pesky, Corso, King, and Taylor.

George VIII: Petty, McEnroe, Blazejowski, Button, Simpson, Hamill, Heinsohn, and Chelios.

Each tribe was scripted to carry just a canteen, a pot, a machete, an oxygen tank, and adult diapers. But some concerns were raised about the machetes -- something silly about O.J. and weapons, I dunno -- so they were replaced by teddy bears. Another minor issue arose when L.T. apparently misread the list and showed up with several pounds of marijuana and a six-foot water bong. (All materials were confiscated.)



Now back to the contest recap. Today’s event was a mobility challenge: the Rascal scooter race. All players were timed individually as they hauled ass down our one-mile island track, and the tribe with the most contestants in the top eight got immunity from elimination. In the event of a tie, we planned to take the oxygen tanks away from Johnny Pesky and Dick Button. First guy to pass out puts himself and his teammates on the chopping block.

Top Eight Finishers: Petty, Corso, Blazejowski, Chelios, King, Simpson, Taylor, Button.

Notes: Who knew that Dick Button – Harvard Law and Ice Capades alum – turns cutthroat when seated atop a motorized scooter? After crossing the finish line he ripped off his shirt, screamed, “From now on you suckers are gonna call me Rotten Totten Button!” and then soiled his diaper. What a day!

So who from the George VII tribe is going home, sports fans? It's up to you to decide.

Get to Steppin', Grandpa

Whose wrinkly butt is getting tossed off Shutter Island first?

: Tonya Harding

: George Foreman

: Joe Namath

: Mary Lou Retton

: Johnny Pesky

: Lee Corso

: Billie Jean King

: L.T.

10 Reasons Why Red Sox Ratings Tanked

July 28, 2010, 5:28 pm
By Mary Paoletti
CSNNE.com

I read something interesting in The Front Row this morning.

As reported earlier this week, for the first time in the PC (Post Curse—check’s in the mail, Dan) Era, the Sox won’t be Major League Baseball’s local ratings champ. In fact, with about two months left they rank fifth behind the Cardinals, Twins, Phillies and Reds. Their average rating is 6.52, which is down nearly 35 percent. That’s a pretty significant drop. That's like a 2000 Jose Offerman drop.

The question is, why?

I probably should have noticed this ratings trend but I’ve been too busy doing other stuff. What I will do is give you 10 reasons why nobody is watching the Red Sox that are in no way related to Jose Offerman.

1. Masochism gets boring after 86 years.

2. Speaking of pain: Bruins PTSD.

3. Peter Gammons. Sure, he was the MLB’s most iconic media personality, but for god’s sake the man is dead. Stop using his corpse and let him rest in peace.  

4. Jim Rice doesn’t bring the same energy – that unpredictable, firey Big Jim gusto – to his commentary that he did before being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

5. Aren’t reruns of Alf on at the same time?

6. NESN needs more eye candy. I’m sure Tom Caron can handle the burden but it’s got to be emotionally exhausting.

7. All of us may have underestimated the entertainment value of Julian Tavarez.

8. You knew that when Steinbrenner died he wouldn’t go quietly.  

9. WE WANT LASER SHOWS. WE WANT LASER SHOWS. LASER SHOWS. LASER SHOWS. LASER SHOWS. LASE-AHHHH…

10. There’s just no denying that things felt anticlimactic after 2007. I mean, how much better could things get after Offerman attacked Matt Beech with a bat?

Ah, crap. I did it after all.

The Best of D-West: Part I

July 28, 2010, 9:24 am
One of the latest rumors to ripple through the Celtics' offseason is the possible return of Delonte West. That's right, "Buggs Bunny is the smoothest dude I ever met" Delonte.

I hope it happens for no other reason than for CSNNE to tape a sequel to this trainwreck:



We've got a stockpile of gems like that one in a closet somewhere. I'll post whatever I find.

Dying for Dez Bryant Details

July 26, 2010, 2:34 pm
By Mary Paoletti
CSNNE.com

SAN ANTONIO -- Breaking news from training camp: Dez Bryant is a d-bag.

The rumor was conceived, contradicted and then confirmed by ESPN this morning. It seems the Dallas receiver was condemned after he disrespected the league's time-honored tradition of hazing. According to the world's largest media outlet for important, relevant, not-stupid sports stories, veterans on the Cowboys roster attempted to force humility on the first-round draft pick and Bryant refused.

Teammate and NFL stalwart, Roy Williams, was particularly outraged.

"I want Dez Bryant to carry my purse,'' Williams said. "Everybody has to go through it. I had to go through it. I even started to like purses by the end of training camp.''

It's a common duty for rookies, who typically have to do weird stuff that nobody actually cares about. When Bryant was reached for comment he seemed confused.

"I'm not doing it,'' he said. "I feel like I was drafted to play football, not tote pocketbooks. Seriously, that's weird. Why would I ever do that? And why are we even talking about this?''

Bryant is clearly a diva, but the bigger picture is even more horrifying. What if this outrageous action starts a trend among first-year players? What if a rookie rebellion is waged in training camps across the country? What if the NFL's top veterans -- men who toil tirelessly for life's little luxuries -- have to carry their own purses?

Best of luck to Ed Werder for covering this scorcher as camp continues. He'll need it. 

Sports Legend Seniors Survivor: The George VIII Tribe

July 23, 2010, 3:27 pm
By Mary Paoletti
CSNNE.com

As promised, Wicked Good Sports is presenting you with the final eight contestants who will appear on SLS Survivor. Meet the George VIII tribe:

Richard Petty -- Age: 73

His nickname is “The King.” He won a record 200 races. He wears a badass hat. The last competition of his career was called The Hooters 500. Richard Petty = No brainer.

John McEnroe -- Age: 51
McEnroe wrote the following statement: “I’m here to take down that dork, Billie Jean King. There will be no f-----g charities, floating barges, or friendly anything involved in this. This is Battle of the Sexes remixed: The Bobby Riggs Redemption.”

Carol Blazejowski -- Age: 54
Did you know that there’s a Polish-American sports hall of fame? And can you believe that there is actually, like, a bunch of people in it? Well, “The Blaze” is at the top of that list so, besides filling the quota we had for female athletes, she was an easy casting choice.

Dick Button -- Age: 81
If you’re the guy who invented figure skating’s “flying camel spin” then you’re going to be considered for a competitive reality show. If your friggin’ name is Dick Button then you’re a shoe-in.

O.J. Simpson -- Age: 63
And you thought we were only getting one person out of jail. Think springing The Juice was done in poor taste? Consider these points. Fact: NFL Hall of Famer. Fact: How big of a deal is kidnapping and robbery, really. It's not like we cast a murderer. Fact: Those Naked Gun movies were pretty funny.

Dorothy Hamill -- Age: 54
We’re not sure how long Hamill will last when deprived of ice, sparkles, ruffles, and Chippendale’s models. Regardless, she does have a gold medal to her name. More importantly, we hear that Dorothy Hamill was named as the only thing on Earth that Richard Petty is afraid of. Should be interesting.

Tommy Heinsohn -- Age: 76
Heinsohn has never settled for less than a killer effort; not as an NBA player, a coach, a broadcaster, or a mack daddy. Give Heinsohn a Diet Coke after he wakes up from a nap and he’ll hit you with the Pain Train as he rolls it into Title Town.

Chris Chelios -- Age: 48
Reality shows need eye candy; hockey players are eye candy. It’s a sad reality that we are completely unwilling to transcend.

Stay tuned! Next week our competitors will go through their first challenges and you will get to vote on who gets booted off of Shutter Island.


Mary Paoletti can be reached at mpaoletti@comcastsportsnet.com. Follow Mary on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Mary_Paoletti