By Mary Paoletti
SCENE: The home of Max Pacioretty. I have no idea what it looks like, but let's assume that it's big.
Quebec's director of criminal and penal prosecutions, Louis Dionne, sits across from Pacioretty in what I assume is a big living room.
DIONNE: Max, mon ami! Ca va? What are you doing out of bed?! I have some tres exciting news pour vouz!
PACIORETTY: Um. Okay.
DIONNE: First, a few gifts. Keanu Reeves sends you this gold-plated wheelchair as a sign of Canadian solidarity! Pans hand slowly over shiny wheelchair
PACIORETTY: Wow. That's, um... wow. I don't actually need a wheelchair, Louis. I'm feeling pretty good.
DIONNE: Please, please, call me Lord Dionne. And don't be silly! Somebody needs to dim these lights for you, oui? We don't want you to have one of those nasty Savard Seizures. Zut alors! Where is your body cast, Max? Sighs deeply Your second gift: Dan Ellis' butler, on loan to you until you can walk again. God willing.
PACIORETTY: Ooooh, man. Okay. Listen. I appreciate the concern, but I can walk fine. I'm actually not having any concussion symptoms at all.
DIONNE: Nonsense! Canada needs to stay strong in the battle against American oppression and YOU are her leader.
PACIORETTY: ...I'm from Connecticut.
DIONNE: Maintenant: Your third gift. HAC's -- Habitants Against Chara -- has made these shirts for you. Rips open black robe to reveal t-shirt
PACIORETTY: Reads "Die, Chara, Die"... ?
DIONNE: DEATH TO THE GIANT! To be so tall is ridicule! Begins foaming at the mouth HE MUST PAY FOR BEING SO LARGE.
PACIORETTY: Whoa, whoa. I don't want Chara to die. I was pissed, but this is getting crazy. How are the fans angrier than I am? I'm the one who got hurt. And I'm probably going to play hockey in 4-6 weeks.
DIONNE: REGARDEZ! Violently unfurls poster
PACIORETTY: Omigod! Is that a severed head? Dry heaves
DIONNE: Very Frenchly Ho-ho-ho! Poor Pacioretty! Look how he barfs! He is tres, tres ill! Dan Ellis' butler: Tend to him! He must lead the charge on America in The Glorious Golden Wheelchair of Keanu ce soir!
BUTLER: Whispers Vous tes un sale, salit l'homme.
PACIORETTY: I told you, I'm not Canadian! I don't speak French for Christ's sake! What the hell did he say to me?
DIONNE: I must go, but consider what I said to you today, young Max. It would be a great thing to be Canada's martyr.
PACIORETTY: Don't martyrs die? When did we stop talking about hockey?
Dionne leaves, big black robe wooshing around his legs. Dan Ellis' butler pulls out a 40 and starts drinking. Pacioretty picks up the DIE CHARA! shirt.
PACIORETTY: I'll give it to my mom.