By Justin Aucoin
The NHL began its new concussion protocol last night. Any players suspected of having a concussion has to sit in a quiet room for 15 minutes while a team physician examines him.
Exactly what this protocol will entail is still TBD, of course.
"Yeah, they're still working on the protocol, but it does take effect and the loose ends are being tied up. It's a pretty tough protocol to deal with. What is deemed a concussion? I don't want to go there yet. We're still trying to nail it down." NHL VP Colin Campbell
You dont want to go there yet? Youre enacting a protocol but arent sure whats deemed a concussion nor want to talk about it? Wow. Were sure the players are feeling safer already.
Nothing like enacting a protocol that doesnt seem to have any direction, nor is close to completion.
But since the NHL is still working out the kinks, as it were, we decided to lend a helping hand in them deciding if someone has a concussion with a mere five questions.
Note: Were not doctors; nor do we play one on TV. But we have a blog so, clearly, were experts.
1. How many fingers am I holding up?
a. 2 (2 pts. Hes a hockey player; he might not know how to count)
b. 4 (1 pts. See above; it could be a lucky guess)
c. Oh god, oh god! Why is Ralph Wiggum my physician? (10 pts. Though its a legit question)
2. What do you think hit you?
a. Car (5 pts)
b. Truck (10 pts)
c. Johnny Boychuk (50 pts)
3. What actually hit you?
a. Mike Giardi (2 pts. Really, Secret Agent Giardi did this to him? Hes probably faking.)
b. Mary Paoletti (25 pts. Never make fun of UConn again!)
c. Johnny Boychuk (-50 pts. He survived the hit; that counts for something right?)
d. Matt CookeTrevor GillesOther goons (10 pts. Probably got an elbow to the head)
4. Who are you?
a. Insert name (5 pts. Mightve just read the nameplate of their jersey)
b. Marc Savard (100 pts)
c. My name or my idegosuper-ego? (-5 pts for being so lucid)
5. What do you see?
a. A face (2 pts. Not bad)
b. Nothing (5 pts. No imagination)
c. My MRI? (15 pts. Theyre right)
0 -20 = No concussion. Free to return.
21 50 = Possible concussion. Flip a coin.
51 = Definitely a concussion. Keep him out. Call the NHL or, if youre in Montreal, call 911.
He can go back and play unless hes the star forward for the away team of an interdivision rival in a tight hockey game; then hes kept out.