By Adam Hart
The NFL, WGS has learned using its imagination, is issuing a slew of reparations for other gaffes in Dallas.
The newest reparations come in response to its steps to quell the anger of 400 fans turned away from their originally-purchased seats at Super Bowl XLV. The NFL expressing compassion? Hurry, the League's doped up or dying or something.
Problem: Christina Aguilera's dirrty National Anthem.
Compensation: One Rene Rancournament, free plus 6.95 shipping and handling.
Problem: Fans shackled to their stadium seats to make the space-age Halftime Show look appealing to the 111 million television viewers.
Compensation: One free Jumbo Pretzel, because snack time was canceled due to the shackling.
Problem: 111 million people witnessing ARod being fed popcorn by Cam Diaz.
Compensation: A bib and sippy cup. For ARod. Because he was all in a tizzy over the ordeal. Being shown on TV is considered "an ordeal" for a multi-millionaire, right?
Problem: A mis-timed -- thanks, Xtina! -- overly-expensive F-18 Flyover.
Compensation: 450,000 refunded to the U.S. government. But not if it's going to that filthy, job-killing health care bill! Or that filthy, job-killing Environmental Protection Agency. Or that filthy, job-killing ditched habit of President Obama's. With these provisions, we'll save so many jobs from being murdered.
Problem: Not one mention of Brett Favre during the entire broadcast.
Compensation: NFL Network airs Slingin' It: The Brett Favre Story every night at 7:30 until a new CBA is reached. Alex Trebek never stood a chance. Smug jerk.
Problem: Dallas' mayor literally deflated after the Super Bowl problems.
Compensation: Oh, sorry. Not literally.
Problem: Patriots weren't in the Super Bowl.
Compensation: No lockout, pending the amount of greed possessed by the owners. . . so, bank on a lockout.