The Super Bowl drinking game

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The Super Bowl drinking game

Yesterday morning, I wrote about the struggles of enjoying a Patriots-less Super Bowl, and within that post I wondered: What goods a Super Bowl party when theres nothing to celebrate?

Why bother getting the band back together for a night of football and fun, when theres a decent chance that it will end with the Ravens standing on top of the world?

Above all else, why submit yourself to the aggravation of watching Ray Lewis be Ray Lewis, when you could just as easily spend the night, say . . . licking the railings at the Kenmore T stop, taking a pavement nap in the middle lane on Storrow Drive, or bathing in a tub of lukewarm dog urine?

These are important questions, but at the end of the day, let's be honest, it's going to be really hard to avoid the Super Bowl. And once you tune in assuming the game's not a total clunker it will be even harder to change the channel.

And anyway, let's not forget that this is the last NFL football game for a long, long time. Starting next week, there are no more Sunday excuses. There will be errands to run, chores to be completed and not much else to take your mind off the fact that another Monday is fast approaching. So, we might as well enjoy the game while we can. Even if it means running out to Dick's, picking up a Kaepernick jersey or even better, Moss! and rooting for the Niners like Tom Brady's life depends on it.

Of course, in this scenario, you're voluntarily placing yourself back in harm's way; susceptible to another tidal wave of disappointment. But come on. This is America! This is the Super Bowl! Kenmore, Storrow and your dog's voluminous bladder aren't going anywhere, but this is football's last hurrah. We'll miss it when it's gone.

If you're still not convinced, may I suggest incorporating alcohol into the equation?

Obviously, it's important that any "lube" as a certain QB likes to call it is ingested with a certain level of moderation and common sense, and only if it falls within the laws set forth by the United States of America. But given all that, here's a little Super Bowl drinking game that might make the experience a little more enjoyable, and help take your mind off the fact that Tom Brady will be watching the game from the same place you are his couch . . . next to his billionaire super model wife . . . inside his 20M, 22,000-square-foot LA mansion . . . which is surrounded by a moat.

Standing Room Only Super Bowl Drinking Game
(Note: The choice of beverage is entirely yours. Beer is probably the safest, but I suggest having an enormous vat of whiskey andor tequila handy in the event of a runaway Ravens victory)
Take a sip . . .
Every time you hear the phrase: "America's Most Watched Network"

Every time Phil Simms says something that makes absolutely no sense.

For every commercial that features an animal acting like a human.

For every mention in any form of HarBowl, Super Baugh, etc.

Every time Jim Nantz discusses Ray Lewis in a manner that, out of context, could be confused with a description of President Obama or The Pope.

For every sideline shot of Alex Smith holding a clipboard.

For every completion allowed by Chris Culliver (two sips if the completion is followed by one of the announcers awkwardly making reference to the Culliver "gay teammate" controversy)

For every shot of an actor or actress currently starring on a CBS show.

Anytime anyone says "PISTOL"

Take a swig . . .

For the extent of Lewis' pre-game dance routine.

After every mention of "The Blind Side"

For any shot of a 49ers fans wearing deer antlers on his or her head.

Every time the camera pans to Jack and Jackie Harbaugh.

After every Randy Moss reception (with each swig preceded by a toast: "To Randy!")

Every time the words "Joe Flacco" and "elite" are used in the same sentence.

Every time Simms says something that does make sense, but is also 100 percent false.

For every reference to Art Modell (with each swig preceded by a toast: "To Cleveland!")

For every discussion of Colin Kaepernick's tattoos.

Take an aggressive chug . . .
After every mention of the Patriots, especially the AFC Championship.

Every time Bernard Pollard knocks a player unconscious or otherwise incapacitated.

If Dan Marino makes a statement about his love child during the pregame show.

If there's a fatality in the Puppy Bowl.

Finish every drop of alcohol in the house . . .

If the game's tied with less than two minutes left, the Niners are driving, and Ray Lewis intercepts Kaepernick for a Pick Six.

Next, proceed to pack your bags and moving the family to Guam. Far, far away from the insufferable insanity that's sure to follow.

And that's it.

Enjoy the game.

If you're boozing, obviously be safe, and most definitely don't drive.

And oh yeah, here's my pick:

49ers 35, Ravens 24.

I think we can all drink to that.

Rich can be reached at rlevine@comcastsportsnet.com. Follow Rich on Twitter at http:twitter.comrich_levine

Arizona Cardinals place franchise tag on Chandler Jones

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Arizona Cardinals place franchise tag on Chandler Jones

PHOENIX - The Arizona Cardinals, in an anticipated move, have placed a non-exclusive franchise tag on outside linebacker Chandler Jones after failing to reach a long-term deal with the player.

The non-exclusive tag allows the Cardinals to continue negotiating with Jones through July 15. If another team makes him an offer, Arizona can either match it or receive two first-round draft picks.

It's unlikely that any team would express interest in Jones, however, given what it would cost.

Under the franchise tag, Jones would receive about $15 million for the coming season.

Acquired in a trade with New England a year ago, Jones had 11 sacks, four forced fumbles, two fumble recoveries and 15 tackles for loss last season

Jones has 25 1-2 sacks over the past two seasons, third-most in the NFL over that span.

The Cardinals' move came two days before the NFL deadline for making franchise designations.

It also came on Jones' 27th birthday, prompting teammate David Johnson to tweet "Happy BDay to `The Man,' `Mr. Franchise' himself.....The one and only."

The franchise tag move came as no surprise.

Club President Michael Bidwill has stated all along that Jones would not be going anywhere, that the team didn't make the trade - sending guard Jonathan Cooper and a second-round draft pick to New England - to keep him just for one season.

"We're not going to mess around with that," Bidwill said in a recent interview on Arizona Sports 98.7 FM. "He's a great pass rusher, but if we can't agree to terms that work for us, we're just going to franchise him, and his people know that."

Jones immediately upgraded what had been an average Cardinals pass rush at best. His fellow outside linebacker Markus Golden had 12 1-2 sacks and seven tackles for loss. Together they form one of the better outside pass rush combinations in the NFL.

By all accounts, the contract talks with Jones have been cordial and Jones has said he wants to stay in Arizona.

"I love it here," he said near the end of last season. "I love the vibe that the people give off and I can see myself being here for a long time."

Chandler heads a long list of free agents that the Cardinals must either re-sign or let go. That group includes starters defensive tackle Calais Campbell, safety Tony Jefferson and inside linebacker Kevin Minter.

Mayock: If I'm Cleveland, I'd be 'stoked' to land Garoppolo for No. 12 pick

Mayock: If I'm Cleveland, I'd be 'stoked' to land Garoppolo for No. 12 pick

NFL Network draft expert Mike Mayock quarterbacked a marathon conference call with reporters from around the country on Monday in order to shed some light on the prospects who will compete at the combine later this week. One thing that stood out? He's not ready to crown anyone in this year's crop of draftable signal-callers.

As a result of the dearth of pro-ready talent at quarterback, Mayock recognized Patriots backup Jimmy Garoppolo as perhaps the top target for any quarterback-needy team. Garoppolo might interest the Cleveland Browns in particular, Mayock noted, because of the number of picks they have near the top of the draft.

"In my opinion," Mayock said, "if I'm the Cleveland Browns and I've got No. 1 and No. 12, if I came away with either [defensive end Myles] Garrett or [defensive tackle] Jonathan Allen at No. 1, and gave up the 12th pick in the draft to get Garoppolo? I would be stoked.

"I would feel like I had a difference-maker on defense and we had a quarterback on offense. Now let's get to work. We got five in the first 65 picks. Let's get to work. From my perspective, especially looking at the quarterbacks this year, if they gave up No. 12 and could get Garoppolo, I'd be all over that."