Rich Levine's Week 5 Alphabet NFL Preview

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The Week 5 Alphabet NFL Preview . . . 

A1: DFS GTH

Who knows what will happens next with this FanDuel/DraftKings “insider trading” scandal? A few days in and there are already class-action suits popping up. It feels like only a matter of time before the government slaps down some legitimate regulations. But whatever the ultimate fallout is, let’s agree that these guys deserve it. Honestly, how stupid can you be? Here you’ve created this fantastic little company that exposes the country’s obsession with fantasy sports and gambling — and just happens to fit perfectly inside a little-known legal loop hole. This time last year, you’re already making serious money. You’re giving away millions of dollars, making so much more, and creating all sorts of organic buzz. All you need to do is sit back, refine the product, and let the cash roll in. Let the buzz grow. After all, real sports gambling is illegal, they’re not allowed to advertise, yet that industry rakes in billions upon billions of dollars every year. Why? Because Americans will go to any lengths to gamble on sports. They will come to you. But the daily fantasy people just didn’t have that kind of patience. Or maybe they got too greedy. Or maybe they were scared of the competition. At any rate, they lost their damn minds and started inking much-publicized deals with professional sports leagues. They initiated relentlessly painful ad campaigns that offended the average consumer on at least three or four levels. They didn’t need to do this. They went blind with power. It’s like imagine you move into a new apartment, plug in your TV and the place is already wired for cable. Every channel. The deluxe package! After one month, there’s no bill. After two months, there’s no bill. Apparently this account has fallen through the cracks and you’re in line to reap benefits. Guess there’s only one thing to do in a case like this, right? Right. Make a huge “WHO WANTS TO COME OVER AND WATCH FREE CABLE” sign and march around with it every day outside Comcast headquarters.

Big Game: Seattle (2-2) at Cincinnati (4-0)

Last week there was only one game (Minnesota at Denver) where both teams came in with a winning record. This week there's zero. ZERO. Damn you, parity. Damn you, Goodell. That said, Seahawks at Bengals isn’t so bad. This is a game we can learn from. First of all, how good are the Bengals? Are they legit contenders, or just a good team that’s taken advantage of a favorable schedule and destined to eventually Bengal everything up?

And then how good are the Seahawks? Was a little bitching all it took to get Russell Wilson and Jimmy Graham on the same page? Is Kam Chancellor really the savior on defense? Can jet fuel melt steel beams? CAN IT?! Plus, looking down the road we know that the Seahawks need home field to get back to the Super Bowl. A loss to the Bengals here combined with a Green Bay win would leave Seattle four games behind the pack and the Pack.

Conference Calls:

Buffalo (2-2) at Tennessee (1-2): Last week Bills fans got to relive Wide Right against the Giants. This week it’s the Music City Miracle against the Titans. God bless you, Bills fans.

San Francisco (1-3) at New York Giants (2-2): The Giants have a big advantage at quarterback with Eli Manning over Colin Kaepernick. Then again they’d have an advantage with Cooper Manning over Kaepernick.

St. Louis (2-2) at Green Bay (4-0): Rams rookie Todd Gurley ran for 146 yards last week in his first career start. That’s more yards than Marshawn Lynch has run for all season. That’s more than DeMarco Murray has run for all season. That’s more than Natrone Means has run for all season! And that’s the Rams' only chance in Green Bay: Give it to Gurley.

Pittsburgh (2-2) at San Diego (2-2): Never saw Willie Mays play for the Mets, but imagine if -- after that -- Mays continued his career in Pittsburgh. That’s how depressing Michael Vick is right now.

New Orleans (1-3) at Philadelphia (1-3): Two of footballs biggest disappointments face off in a city that’s accustomed to that very thing.

Washington (2-2) at Atlanta (4-0): Despite a rocky start and a purely evil owner, the 'Skins still think they can make something of this season. This would be a chance to convince the rest of us.

Arizona (3-1) at Detroit (0-4): The Cardinals are coming to town. Has anyone told Jim Caldwell?

Division Drama:         

Denver (4-0) at Oakland (2-2): The Broncos haven’t lost a division road game since the Time of Tebow. Coincidentally, that loss came at Oakland in the Time of Jason Campbell.

Cleveland (1-3) at Baltimore (1-3): Two franchises linked both through history and their current place at the bottom of the AFC North standings.

Everyone Else: The rest of the rest.

New England (3-0) at Dallas (2-2): Bill Belichick + Extra Week + Brandon Weeden = Pooooor Brandon Weeden.

Chicago (1-3) at Kansas City (1-3): Both teams are 1-3, but while one has the guts of 9-7 squad, the other has the guts of a dead jellyfish.

Jacksonville (1-3) at Tampa Bay (1-3): The Jags and Bucs battle to avoid the title of Florida’s Biggest Loser. Just kidding. We didn’t forget about you, Dolphins.

Forecast: It’s once again a pretty timid Sunday for weather — with one exception. Last week it was Hurricane Joaquin tearing through DC, and this week it’s Hurricane Hoodie heading straight for Dallas.

Goodell’s Corner: As always, your weekly note from Commissioner Roger Goodell:

Hey gang. It’s your old pal Roger here, but please -- call me Mr. Commissioner. Anyway, as you know this week there’s more controversy swirling around the integrity of our game. This time it’s the Cowboys' Greg Hardy who made headlines with a sloppy gun reference, and who when asked about Sunday’s game with the Patriots said: “I love seeing Tom Brady. He’s cool as crap. Have you seen his wife? I hope she comes to the game. I hope her sister comes to the game, all her friends come to the game.” Now as the commissioner of this league, let me be the latest to say that this kind of speech is uncalled for. I won’t have it! I mean -- how dare he say that Tom Brady is ‘cool’? HOW DARE HE?! Tom Brady is a cheater. Plain and simple. Sorry, Tommy. The rules apply to everyone.

Anyway, let’s go Cowboys!

Hot Seat: The Hot Seat claimed its first victim last week, but the Hot Seat wants more. Of course that’s incredibly insensitive because these are real people with real families and losing a job stinks -- but the Hot Seat is relentless. Anyway, the next obvious coach on the firing line would be Chuck Pagano, but instead we’re looking at the guy Pagano replaced in Indianapolis. The guy who’s currently running the Lions into the ground. The guy who approaches his job with all the fire and unbridled tenacity of your grandmother merging onto a rotary.

You realize that Caldwell is supposed to be some offensive savant, right? When the Lions hired him two years ago, he was the “innovator”. He had Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson and the rest of the NFC was screwed. Anyway, in their last three years under defensive-minded Jim Schwartz, the Lions finished 4th, 17th and 13th in total offense. Last year under Caldwell they finished 22nd and this year they rank 29th. They’ve scored 38 points in their last three games. They’re the only team left without a win. The Hot Seat demands action! 

Infirmary: Game-time decisions that could turn game day results:

Marshawn Lynch (hamstring): Add a calf injury to the hamstring injury and there’s even more reason for the “12” to be concerned.

Alshon Jeffrey (hamstring): Jeffrey has missed the last three games but his return on Sunday could be the difference between the Bears losing in blowout fashion and the Bears losing in blowout fashion.

Karlos Williams (concussion): If Williams can’t go he’ll be replaced in the backfield by a guy named Boom (Herron) or a guy named Boobie (Dixon). Which one does Rex Ryan prefer? “Eh, we got anyone named “Toe?”

Just Watching: How the BYE teams will spend their week —

Miami (1-3): Installing a new regime; remaining a horrible team.

New York Jets (3-1): Looking at the standings. Rubbing their eyes. Looking at the standings again. Rubbing their eyes.

Carolina (4-0): Party on the riverboat!

Minnesota (2-2): Party on the sex boat!

Keeping the Faith: The Bills signed Billy Cundiff this week, which serves as important inspiration to all former NFL kickers out there. If you have a pulse, there’s still a chance.  

Life of Hochuli: Ed Hochuli walks out of his Phoenix-area house wearing white sneakers and a valor jumpsuit with cut-off sleeves. He breathes in the Sunday morning air.

Hochuli: “Ah yes, boys. Smells like a day off. So what should we do today?”

Hochuli (in a high-pitched voice, flexing his right bicep): “Well, Daddy — there’s new American Indian sports exhibit at the Heard Museum. Maybe we can go check it out and stop for some fro-yo on the way home?"

Hochuli (in a deep voice, flexing his left bicep): “Nah, screw that, Pops. Let’s grab a few beers and go go-kartin!!"

Hochuli: "Ooh, what’s that? Did someone say ‘Do bare knuckle push ups in the park’? Now that’s a great idea. Let’s go!"

Hochuli (flexing both biceps): "Awww, Daaaaaad!"

Milestones: Remember Peter Warrick? What about Ron Dayne? What about LaVar Arrington? What about Shaun Alexander? Yes, of course you do, and you’re now wondering: What do they have in common?

Well, they were all selected in the first round of the 2000 NFL draft, and 15 seasons later only one player from that first round class is still active. His name is Sebastian Janikowski, and this Sunday Sea Bass will set a record for most games played (241) in a Raiders uniform.

Tom Brady will break that same record with the Patriots, but that’s not the story here. We’re talking Janikowski. On that note you might think: “Eh, big deal. Dude’s just a kicker.”  And that’s fine, but guess what? That kicker is under contract for at least two more years, at which point his career earnings — for kicking a football — will top $47 million.

Numbers Game: 0

Good news for Andy Dalton. Weird news for Seattle.

The Seahawks haven’t intercepted a pass this year. They’re one of only three teams in that category and -- not that we need to hammer home how pathetic of a distinction that is -- the other two teams are New Orleans and Washington.

One True King: This used to be “Only the Lonely”, a section that speculated on which team would be the last to win a game. Well, that debate is over. Congrats to Coach Caldwell! And now this is One True King, a section that will speculate on which team will be the last to lose a game. Right now, after four weeks, there are six undefeated teams -- New England, Cincinnati, Denver, Green Bay, Atlanta and Carolina -- and while the Patriots and Packers are the favorites to be the last one standing, here’s a dark horse: The Falcons.

Atlanta hosts Washington this Sunday in a very, very winnable game. After that, here’s the rest of the schedule: @New Orleans, @Tennessee Titans, vs. Tampa Bay, @San Francisco, vs. Indianapolis, vs. Minnesota Vikings, @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers, @Carolina, @Jacksonville, vs. Carolina, vs. New Orleans.

Now obviously any divisional road game will be tough. The two games against Carolina will be tough. But just in general, the Falcons schedule is not that tough. They’ll hang around with the unbeatens for a while.

Patriots Place™: Here’s a fun stat from NFL.com: Brandon Weeden is 5-18 (.217) in his career. Quarterbacks that enter a game against Bill Belichick's Patriots with a career winning percentage under .250 are 1-10 with a combined 9 touchdowns and 11 interceptions.

Decent chance that Weeden matches the 11 INTs himself on Sunday.

Quiz Show: As stated earlier, Sunday will mark Sea Bass Janikowski’s 241st career NFL game. That ranks sixth on the all-time active list.  Can you name the five active NFLers who have played more than 241 career games?

Answer:

5) Charles Woodson

4) Shane Lechler

3) Phil Dawson

2) Peyton Manning

1) Adam Vinatieri

Reunion: Reunions don’t get much sweeter than the one last night between Andre Johnson and the Texans. AJ reconnected with the fans he entertained for 12 years. He caught two touchdowns. He left town with a win. And, most importantly, he rode out with a clear conscience, looking back on Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett with a wildly thankful smile. Oh no, wait -- Andre Johnson doesn’t smile.

Everything else is true, though. Happy reunion. 

Survivor: Lots of close calls last week with the Colts almost losing to the Jags and the Chargers almost losing to the Browns. The Cardinals did lose to the Rams, which probably knocked out a few people, but the Alphabet had the Broncos over the Vikings, so the alphabet survives.

But for all of last week’s indecision, this week there’s one pick that stands out above the rest. Kansas City over the Bears.

Lock it in and forget about it. 

Trash Talk: White Castle brought the heat this week on Twitter when inviting Russell Wilson to come eat at one of their Cincinnati locations:

“Hey, @DangeRussWilson. Stop in and we'll treat you like royalty. We don't speak for the @Bengals D-line, though.”

After that Taco Bell decided to get in on the fun and tweeted:

“Hey @DangeRussWilson, stop in and we’ll treat like royalty -- and leave you with crippling diarrhea.”

Upset of the Week: The U of W improved to 2-1 last week with the Bears upsetting the Raiders, and this week’s upset will occur down in Tennessee where the Titans will knock off the Bills. Why, you ask?

Oh, you didn’t ask? OK, fine. But just remember that Marcus Mariota is for real, the Bills secondary is very much not, the Titans are healthy coming off the bye and Buffalo is the exact opposite.

Vegas Values: For the second straight week, the special player props weren’t posted in time to creep into the preview -- and all we can say is: Thanks, Obama. Anyway, there ARE a few basic player props that look tempting so here are two. 

Odell Beckham Jr. — over 90.5 receiving yards: The 49ers stink and ODB will be hungry after a quiet game against the Bills. 

Keenan Allen — over 74.5 receiving yards: Good things happen when Rivers looks for Allen and the Steelers secondary is middle of the road.

Worst of the Week: Let’s give this week’s award to Greg Hardy, but also to everyone who wrote or tweeted or otherwise broadcasted their “Greg Hardy is the devil” hot take on Thursday morning or later -- a.k.a., after Katie Nolan eviscerated him on her Wednesday night show. The truth is that Hardy made his comments on Tuesday. No one flipped their lid and took a stand. Most people just laughed. Then Nolan did her thing, the reaction was justifiably fantastic, and then everyone was up in arms like: “Yeah! She was awesome -- now look at me: I’m awesome too!” Media at its worst on the heels of media at its best.

X Marks The Controversy: Just in case you missed it, Roger Goodell still doesn’t care that he spread lies and manipulated evidence to help ruin a Hall of Famer’s image and terrorize his personal life

Yesterday’s News: When given the choice between Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett, the only choice is death.

Zee End: That’s it. Enjoy the games.

Follow me on Twitter @rich_levine

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