By Mary Paoletti
I read on Deadspin that some Chi Omega sorority sisters invited three UNC Tarheel ballers to spring formal. That's not the excellent part. The excellent part is that one of the girls wrote an email to the sorority chapter "with a helpful list of ways to keep from embarrassing themselves and their organization in the face of omigod basketball players."
Well. Deadspin isn't the only site with access to stuff like this. WGS was tipped off to a similar email this afternoon. This one involves SORORI-TEE-HEE and some campus athlete-celebrities. Looks like SORORI-TEE-HEE even used Chi Omega's message as a template. Scandalous!
Here's the copy WGS recovered:
From: Katie Lastname
Date: March 30, 2011 4:30:19 PM EDT
To: "The Sorority Mailing List"
Subject: sorority Tomorrow Night's Mantra: Keep Your Cool & Respect Yourself Reply-To: "The Sorority Mailing List"
Dear TEAM SORORI-TEE-HEE,
The rumors are true - I am taking Kurt Throwsfar, Henry Leaperdude, and John Fastguy with Missy Lastname and Susie Lastname for Formal -- Ya! That's a Capital 'F'! In case there haven't been any rumors about me bringing three members of the JV indoor track team -- First of all, I don't even believe it! Lol! It's just too scandalous! But, second of all, consider them spread and NOW confirmed!
I have told the boys that there is a band and a lot of fun so I expect it to be but I do not want to see celebrity shocked drunkies because they are never fun.
Please respect the following list of things that are important to me:
- Please DON'T Take a picture of them with ALCOHOL nearby or in the photo - I will be chugging my drinks right before photographs are taken when I am posing next to them. I will be doing a full photo shoot before (on the track!), during, and after (by the long jump pit!) the Formal. This is for ME and only ME, by the way.
Back to the alcohol stuff. We ALL have brilliant FUTURES so try to nip the the Life-Ruining photos in the bud. This includes any candids around Stephanie and Angel because you girls are too ugly. Lol. JK! Angel, you know you are not ugly!
We are a family, not a tabloid magazine. But if any of you who have family members who work for tabloid magazines and would pay me for the photos, let me know.
- Please DON'T Ask them if they are going to try out for VARSITY - PLEASE TELL YOUR DATES NOT TO ASK THEM THIS EITHER - Boys are just as much jock sniffers as we are tiny track shorts chasers. Just play cool...
- Please don't leave your dates to ask mine annoying questions, they are human and actually quite young in age (I heard that Henry Leaperdude is actually 14!) - no need to scare them. Track stars supposedly spook easily and I only have one tranquilizer dart left from last year's formal! They will probably take pictures but be kind. I will be posing in all the pictures. AGAIN -- I WILL BE IN EVERY PHOTO BUT YOU CANNOT BE. I will welcome all high fives. I will consider chest bumps. Don't try fist pounds -- those are stupid.
- PLEASE DO NOT Force drinks on them (they should not be drinking as they are UNDER 21!!!! and FULL OF POTENTIAL!! maybe you are in that category too...passionate and full of potential is way hotter than illegally boozy. Although, illegally boozy and incoherent can be hot. Depends on the athlete)
- Don't stare too hard at them - this is not only hazardous for your eyeballs, but makes you look like a weirdo - have fun it's a party let's not make them feel too godlike I mean after all they were lucky enough to get asked to this function!
I want these boys to see how awesome SORORI-TEE-HEE is and thus we will be rising to the top of the cool charts. I have seen the actual charts and we are in rough shape. Last week's PowerPoint presentation on Vera Bradley handbags actually dipped us below desirable levels.
They are going to "other" formals Saturday and I dont want to hear that SORORI-TEE-HEE's were too crazy and the "others" were better. No sir - SORORI-TEE-HEE will be 1 in their hearts. And maybe in their pants, too, if I'm lucky! Lol.
If not, I have a certain Plan B that will make them more agreeable (thanks Stephanie and Rachel for all your hard work! love having a pharmaceuticals and an animal science major on hand! lol!). More on that in our next meeting.
Sooo please use your manners, your swagger, and your mace -- lol oops! I mean GRACE-- to have an excellent time tomorrow night!
F and a Christmas tree and nanner-nanner-poo-poo for life!
YOUR SORORI-TEE-HEE PRESIDENT GIRL