Minnesota collapse: It's all Favre's fault (again)


Minnesota collapse: It's all Favre's fault (again)

By Jon Fucile
Special contributor to WickedGoodSports.com

Over the weekend, a game between the Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants had to be re-scheduled until Monday and moved to Detroit after the Metrodome roof collapsed.

At first glance, the collapse appears to be caused by excessive snow on the roof of the Metrodome. However, upon closer inspection, it appears the roof collapsed under the weight of Brett Favres massive ego.

Look at that smug face

What many fans dont realize is all the self important, egotistic, self-serving speeches Brett Favre gives before and after every gamepress conference float up and get caught in the Metrodome roof. Quite frankly, it's amazing this did not happen sooner.

Vikings ownership has been aware of this potential issue for quite some time, but they continue to keep letting Favre play and talk. They dont have the guts to tell him to just shudda his face. By now you might be asking yourself; If Vikings ownership was aware of this issue, why didnt they act sooner to prevent this from happening?

Simple: Lack of funds.

Follow us as we take a look at a few of the things that prevent Vikings ownership from maintaining a safe roof.

Fake Fans Cheering Favre On

Vikings owner Zygi Wilf is constantly spending money on actors dressed like Vikings fans to follow Brett Favre around and cheer him on in his everyday activities. Favre has such a fragile ego that he needs the constant cheering to get through his day. Otherwise he might realize how awful he is and suffocate himself in his Wrangler jeans.

Going to the bathroom. Eating dinner. Playing a game of Connect Four with his daughter. All of these actions are accompanied by cheering fans.

And actually, while playing a series of games of Connect Four against his daughter one day Favre sustained a minor finger injury between games while biting his nail. Favre immediately brought up his iron man streak of 356 consecutive Connect Four games and pretended he was more hurt than he actually was.

Zygi Wilf then had to pay for the retirement press conference in Favres kitchen, where Favre tearfully announced his retirement from the board game.

But as the fake Vikings fans cheered, Favre suddenly found the strength and courage to continue and returned to the living room to play the next game. However, with only a few spaces remaining on the board, Favre for some reason dropped his red piece in a sea of black pieces, allowing his daughter to capitalized and grab the victory. However, with all the paid fans cheering his name, Favre spiked a football in his daughters face and celebrated in the living room.

Always Buying Tissues

Brett Favre is a drama queen of the highest order. He makes the Kardashians look amateur by comparison.

But all the crying requires A LOT of tissues and Zygi is constantly buying Kleenex for Favre. When the Vikings kitchen is out of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Favre cries. When his teammates make fun of his Crocs, he cries. When his Blackberry says the digitally enhanced picture of his private area hes trying to send to some college girls he met is too large to send, he cries. When well, you get the point.

All those tissue boxes add up.

Unfortunately, Zygi realized far too late he shouldve just bought stock in Kleenex when he signed Favre.

Buying Depends

Brett Favre is old. Sometimes.accidents happen. Whether he hits a big pot hole in his truck and gets spooked, gets steam rolled by the slowest linebacker on the field when he holds the ball way too long, when he gets home and finds out his wife found out he was sending naughty pictures again or when he throws an interception and has to walk to the sidelines and face his team, sometimes a man of his age just cannot control those bowels.

That is why his uniform looks so thick in the pants. Hes got adult diapers on. You know how whenever Favre is injured and the Vikings release a report saying his plans have changed? They mean his diapers.

Fake Injury Reports and Doctor Visits

At some point of every game Favre has played in the past two years he gets injured and then spends the next week talking to anyone with a camera or microphone about how his games started streak might end and how hurt he is (thankfully, this streak finally came to an end Monday night).

But then he always miraculously recovers and plays as everyone across the country talks about what a super awesome, tough guy he is. You see what is happening here people? Hes playing you like a fiddle.

What about the X-rays and injury reports you ask? All fabricated on Zygi Wolfs dime.

Wolf pays the team doctors to keep their mouths shut about Favre being healthy and buys X-rays of actual injured people from local hospitals while Favre hides out in his basement playing Deer Hunter and laughing at all the reports about how he is doubtful.

These are just a few of the reasons the Vikings cannot afford to either fix the roof of the Metrodome or clear off the snow. It's all Brett Favres fault and the Vikings did it to themselves. But seeing as how Favre starting hawking merch of his streak as soon as it ended, maybe Zygi Wolf can get in on that and make some money back.