By Adam Hart
"Qatar?!" you might be saying, pronouncing it like this robot lady.
Yes, this Middle Eastern countryemirate landed the title of host of the 2022 World Cup, beating out Bill Clinton and the United States of America. Here's why:
1) Sure, it's parked in the same neighborhood as Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Oman and Yemen. But I hear they all recycle.
2) They're running out of ways to spend our oil monies.
3) You remember those female Dutch fans tossed out for rogue advertising? Tell them to stay home. The most reliable source in the world, The Internet, explains: "It doesn't need a very deep understanding of the culture here to realise that showing your stomach and thighs here is deeply offensive to locals." Finally, soccer fans won't be distracted by any of this. Or this. Except they might be, because the internet is a dirty, rotten liar.
4) Things promise to get weird -- two Vuvuzelas.
5) Average highs range from 106 to 111 degrees over the month-long span of June 11th to July 11th. "Woah, that's wicked hot!" Don't fret, it bottoms out at a cool 84 degrees. All start times will be from midnight to 5 a.m. local time, which means a more productive workday for Americans pretending to be interested in soccer.
6) The Qatari bid committee asked the right question:
7) Just kidding. They obviously replaced "Philly" with "Qatar" in this Southwest spot. Who could ever turn down the "Well, there's a lot, a lot of culture here" line?
8) Just throwing them a bone. The world won't be around to celebrate any type of cup -- World, Stanley or Solo -- in 2022 anyway. You know it, I know it, Lil' Wayne knows it:
"The world about to end in 2012 anyway. 'Cause the Mayans made calendars, and they stop at 2012. I got encyclopedias on the bus. The world is gonna end as we know it. You can see it already. A planet doesn't exist: There's no more Pluto. Planes are flying into buidlings -- and not just the Twin Towers, but dudes who play baseball Cory Lidle are flying planes into buildings. Mosquitoes bite you and you die. And a black man and woman are running for president!"
Encyclopedia don't lie.
9) Red Sox ownership bought Liverpool, an EPL team. Maybe this'll teach those pesky Americans to stick to their puny MLS.
10) The Middle East has never, ever hosted a World Cup. Sharing is caring.
That about wraps it up. There's no life lesson or snarky closing line. Go in peace and read something else on Wicked Good Sports.