By Mary Paoletti
Deadspin just introduced me to an absurd fan letter. It's short, so we'll go through it together. Author's words are in italics; my commentary is in bold.
CONTEST: How Crazie are you?By Dennis Chen and Elizabeth ChenMarch 22, 2011
We just returned from watching Dukes nail biting win over the Wolverines and we were whole-heartedly dismayed by the lack of passion exhibited by the Duke students in attendance. The Wolverine fans unarguably out-cheered the notorious Crazies from beginning to end.
ZOMG THAT'S WHY DUKE LOST THE BASKETBALL GAME! Wait, they won. So the problem is that the Duke fans lost the cheering contest. But it wasn't actually a contest, right? I'm confused.
As hard as the Duke cheerleaders and pep band tried, they werent able to get the Crazies off their butts for the first 25 to 30 minutes of the game.
But I thought Duke's fans were called the "Cameron Crazies." Don't they melt if they step outside their Gymnasium of Evil and into sunlight? Maybe I'm missing something.
There must be a hardcore contingent of "Crazies" that travel.
Anyway. They failed. Or, the cheerleaders and pep band failed, I don't know. I'm getting lost in this convoluted process. But, again, Duke did win the game so I'm not feeling the urgency here.
We know the seats at Time Warner Cable Arena are more comfortable than the shoe-worn bleachers of Cameron Indoor, but we would hope that Dukes quest for a back-to-back championship would be enough motivation to get the Duke students to cheer for every offensive and defensive series.
Okay, that makes sense.
Coach K needs to focus 100 percent of his time on his players and the game,
and he shouldnt have to personally pump-up the crowd like he did in the second half.
Dennis and Elizabeth are on a roll now!
In an effort to take some of the burden off Coach K,
Oooh. Timeout. "Burden"? That's a strong word. I'm not comfortable putting Krzyzewski's effort to pump up the crowd on par with, I don't know, F.D.R.'s battle with polio.
we would like to sponsor the airfare and cost of admission for the most passionate Duke student to attend the rest of the Duke Mens NCAA tournament games and be a rally captain to lead the Crazies in 40 minutes of cheering to try and give our Blue Devils a home court advantage away from Cameron.
Wait...what? Do you even know how much that would cost? BRB -- need to surf the internets.
-- 11 minutes later --
Flight to Anaheim, CA departing March 23, departing March 28 (assuming Duke makes the Elite 8 and I have to come back to work on Monday): 671Five nights at Days Inn Anaheim Buena Park (Is this even near where the game is being played?): 275Ticket to Thursday's games in really crappy section: 275Ticket to Saturday's games in really crappy section: 188 (But you know that price gets jacked if Duke beats Arizona. And if Duke plays UConn in the Elite 8, multiply the price by 10)Total price of Duke making it ONLY to Elite 8: 1409Do you know how much tickets to the NCAA championship cost? YOUR SOUL. AND YOUR MOM'S SOUL, TOO.
To be considered, post a short 1-minute video to YouTube pleading your case and copy the link in the comments section of this letter on the Duke Chronicle website by noon on Wednesday. Go Duke!!
Dennis and Elizabeth Chen
There is only one thing to do with a contest like this: Sabotage.
Some diehard fan (I propose one from UConn, but UNC would be fun, too) should do her... or his... damndest to win and take the free ride.
And when Duke is down double-digits to Arizona, the hundreds of Cameron Crazies look to their brazen "rally captain" to up the obnoxiousness. It's then that said captain will rip off her... or his... Duke hoodie to reveal her true identity.
The Cameron Crazies would be completely deflated, their sense of entitlement being smacked down by treason. Of course, Duke will probably win the basketball game, but the fans would be devastated and that's clearly all that matters.
It would be glorious. It would be justice.
...It should be me.