By Jon Fucile
America's Hat. That Country to the North.
Canada is known by many names to us here in America. C-eh-N-eh-D-eh. Canada. For so long they've been a punch line in jokes.
What is big, boring and cold? Canada!
What do pee and Canadian beer have in common? The taste!"
They've put up with the abuse with a smile. We think. Not sure. They all look weird. Then America started messing with Canada's biggest import and now things are getting hairy.
Yes, a few American NHL teams recently traded for players from Canadian teams and all of a sudden there are "visa problems" preventing these players from escaping moving to America to be with their new teams and drive cars to work instead of a moose.
Hockey players have long been Canada's biggest commodity and are responsible for 98 of their total income. America is trying to get a piece of that hockey pie.
Chris Kelly (Boston from Ottawa) and Kris Versteeg (Toronto to Philadelphia) were recently traded and magically had visa issues which delayed them from joining their new teams in a timely manner.
Visa issues was just another phrase for riots.
Canada hasnt seen an uproar like this since they found out Alaska was actually part of America.
Kelly and Versteeg, desperate to get out of Canada before they died of boredom or moose meat parasites, tried all sorts of ways to get out of the country while the Canadian government made up all kinds of lame excuses to keep them in Canada.
They tried to have friends smuggle them out of the country in the trunk of a car, but they were busted by border patrol.
They tried riding a moose and jumping over the border..
..but they were stopped by an angry Canadian mob.
With their visa issues still not worked out, Kelly and Versteeg tried to dress as Mounties and told some Canadian officials they were going to invade America, but Canadian cesspool Pam Anderson intercepted them and infected them. Tough luck boys.
While recovering, the traded duo had an epiphany.. Canada.. doesnt have any weapons! They can just walk home if they wanted to and Canadians really cant do anything about it, especially if they fight anything like the Montreal Canadiens.
But hey, nice try Canada. Youre so adorable. Maybe youll get us next time. Maybe.