By Jon Fucile
When the Washington Capitals stop celebrating the fact that they DIDNT choke and actually made it by the New York Rangers, forward Brooks Laich should probably see a doctor.
According to the ever reliable, always honest and upstanding Sean Avery, Brooks Laich bit him at some point during the series.
There are just some things you don't do. You can punch a guy. Face wash a guy. Call a guy's mom a fat woman of loose morals. But you don't bite! That is over the line. Or something. Who knows.
If youre going to bite someone, just make sure it is not Sean Avery. Averys skin is lousy with infectious toxins! Mr. Laich has no idea what he has brought upon himself.
By now he probably has a fever. His skin feels like it is moving. He has weird thoughts running through his brain.
Suddenly he feels like he has no talent and wants to wear women's underwear. He has the urge to wave his hand in front of his coachs face when he is drawing up players at practice. If Laich sees a picture of Dion Phaneuf he instantly becomes annoyed.
Brooks Laich.has caught Aver-abies. There is currently no known cure. Laich will soon be a giant douche for the rest of his life. Hell suck at hockey and everyone will hate him. And those are some of the better symptoms.
Poor, poor Brooks Laich. Heres what you can expect to be like over the next couple weeks as the Aver-abies take over.
First, youll lose the desire to play hockey. Youll be at your local super market and pick up the latest issues of Cosmo and Vogue. Youll go home and draw sketches of dresses you want to design. Then youll stop showing up to practice and apply to be an intern for Teen Vogue magazine.
Soon after Brooks will have the urge to wear terrible, awful fashion accessories everywhere. The worst will be the giant sunglasses that hell wear anytime of day, regardless of the weather. Hell take pride in looking like a giant idiot.
After he gets a pair of the most ridiculous sunglasses he can find, Brooks will suddenly hate having anything that somebody else has not already had. New pair of pants? Nope, Brooks doesnt want that. Great looking steak dinner? If someone else has not already taken what they want from it, get it out of here!
Brooks will officially enter the Sloppy Seconds phase of his infection.
Hell go through the trash looking for food people threw out.
And try to date all of Averys ex-girlfriends.
Finally, Mr. Laich will develop a hatred for fat people, especially fat people named Martin. Hell taunt them any time he sees them. Hell call them names in front of their friends. Hell break rules to humiliate them.
Then the transformation will be complete. Brooks will be one of the biggest pieces of crap in history.
Abandon all hope Brooks Laich. Youre infected. Just give up now.