By Jon Fucile
Special contributor to WickedGoodSports.com
Hes at it again. Oh, that zany Rex Ryan. He just cant get the Patriots out of his head. Even when hes not playing against them.
Yes, sexy Rexy just couldnt keep his mouth shut. Again. And not just at lunch. He began launching verbal assaults at the Patriots before the Jets even beat the Colts. When asked about facing Peyton Manning, Ryan needlessly took a shot at Brady and the Patriots:
"The guy is tremendous. There is no one else like this guy in the league. Nobody studies like him. I know Tom Brady thinks he does. I think there's probably a little more help from Bill Belichick with Brady than there is withPeyton Manning.
Ryans obsession with the Patriots and Brady borders on creepy. We heard a rumor that Rex Ryan paid big money to buy a set of game used Tom Brady underwear and will disappear for hours into his room with the undergarments.
It almost seems like Rex Ryan knows he cant beat Brady in a playoff situation so has to talk about it out loud to anyone who will listen in order to convince himself. Right now Rex is probably talking to Sanchez about an elaborate plan to kidnap Brady Celtic Pride style so Brady cant play Sunday.
But hey if Rex wants to challenge Brady, fine. But putting our bias aside, who would really win? Lets check the tale of the tape and find out.
ACHIEVEMENTS AND ACCOLADES
Three Super Bowl victories, two Super Bowl MVP awards, most career Super Bowl completions, fastest quarterback to reach 100 wins, most touchdown passes in a season, super model wife with a man face the list goes on and on and on. Like Rex Ryans stomach.
Won a Super Bowl as defensive coordinator with a Ravens team that couldve won with a monkey coaching, North American hot dog eating champion, holds record for most times stuck in a revolving door in a single year and was the inspiration for the game Hungry Hungry Hippos when a Milton Bradley employee got the idea after seeing Rex Ryan at Old Country Buffet one day.
SCORE: Brady 1, Ryan 0
Brady is often described as fit and trim and has one of those butt chins that makes the ladies swoon. Rex Ry, um, some girls have even said Bradys face was chiseled by the gods themselves. Brady has been known to occasionally run laps at practice without getting winded or bend down without splitting his favorite slacks. Women have been known to get violent for a chance to get at Brady.
Ryan loves his wifes feet so much because he hasnt seen his own since 1962. People walk up to him on the street and ask him when the baby is due. At the zoo, elephants go wild and use their trunks to make whistling noises when he walks by. He gets winded while driving. Winnie the Pooh started doing his stoutness exercises when someone told him he was starting to look like Rex Ryan. Ryans physique can best be described as a combination between Orpah and Jabba the Hutt.
SCORE: Brady 2, Ryan 0
Rex Ryan has accused Brady of not studying hard enough, but Bradys record pretty much speaks for itself. From his winning record to his streak of passes without an interception, Brady obviously studies opposing defenses enough to completely rip them apart.
The only thing Rex Ryan studies is the Dennys menu.
SCORE: Brady 3, Ryan 0
ACTIVITIES OUTSIDE OF FOOTBALL
Brady knows football. That seems to be it. Oh and models. He knows those. But he doesnt seem to have any non-football athletic accomplishments when hes not embarrassing defenses on the field. Rexy on the other hand.
Rex might have won 10 Super Bowls in a row in his head, but in reality hes actually a ten time Sumo Wrestling champion. He was recently banned from Japan because Japanese officials thought he was juicing his stomach, and said there was no way a man could be that out of shape naturally. Sorry Japan that is all Rex and your Sumo warriors simply dont compare.
SCORE: Brady 3, Ryan 1
WHAT ABOUT THE ANIMALS?
Brady might be intense and mean on the field sometimes but off the field hes a kind, gentle soul. He loves all animals, big and small. He even loves farm animals and has been known to take in sick goats and nurse them back to health. Hes one hell of a guy.
Rex is the exact opposite. His hunger knows no bounds. Not even animals are safe. Were not talking about steak or bacon. Not even cow hooves in Rexs case. Rex Ryan loves to eat poor, innocent puppies and kitties!!!
Terrible. What kind of human being would do something like this?!?!
SCORE: Brady 4, Ryan 1
We could go on and on.
The fact is Brady and the Patriots do their talking on the field, while Rex Ryan resorts to name calling and publicly calling out his opponents in a futile attempt to draw attention away from that fact that his team really isnt that good and is lucky to be where they are. He can call out every Patriot he wants. New Englands track record speaks for itself Rexy. See you Sunday.