Brady vs. Ryan: a tale of the tape

Brady vs. Ryan: a tale of the tape

By Jon Fucile
Special contributor to WickedGoodSports.com

Hes at it again. Oh, that zany Rex Ryan. He just cant get the Patriots out of his head. Even when hes not playing against them.

Yes, sexy Rexy just couldnt keep his mouth shut. Again. And not just at lunch. He began launching verbal assaults at the Patriots before the Jets even beat the Colts. When asked about facing Peyton Manning, Ryan needlessly took a shot at Brady and the Patriots:

"The guy is tremendous. There is no one else like this guy in the league. Nobody studies like him. I know Tom Brady thinks he does. I think there's probably a little more help from Bill Belichick with Brady than there is withPeyton Manning.

Ryans obsession with the Patriots and Brady borders on creepy. We heard a rumor that Rex Ryan paid big money to buy a set of game used Tom Brady underwear and will disappear for hours into his room with the undergarments.

It almost seems like Rex Ryan knows he cant beat Brady in a playoff situation so has to talk about it out loud to anyone who will listen in order to convince himself. Right now Rex is probably talking to Sanchez about an elaborate plan to kidnap Brady Celtic Pride style so Brady cant play Sunday.

But hey if Rex wants to challenge Brady, fine. But putting our bias aside, who would really win? Lets check the tale of the tape and find out.

ACHIEVEMENTS AND ACCOLADES
Tom Brady
Three Super Bowl victories, two Super Bowl MVP awards, most career Super Bowl completions, fastest quarterback to reach 100 wins, most touchdown passes in a season, super model wife with a man face the list goes on and on and on. Like Rex Ryans stomach.

Rex Ryan
Won a Super Bowl as defensive coordinator with a Ravens team that couldve won with a monkey coaching, North American hot dog eating champion, holds record for most times stuck in a revolving door in a single year and was the inspiration for the game Hungry Hungry Hippos when a Milton Bradley employee got the idea after seeing Rex Ryan at Old Country Buffet one day.

SCORE: Brady 1, Ryan 0
PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES

Tom Brady
Brady is often described as fit and trim and has one of those butt chins that makes the ladies swoon. Rex Ry, um, some girls have even said Bradys face was chiseled by the gods themselves. Brady has been known to occasionally run laps at practice without getting winded or bend down without splitting his favorite slacks. Women have been known to get violent for a chance to get at Brady.

Rex Ryan
Ryan loves his wifes feet so much because he hasnt seen his own since 1962. People walk up to him on the street and ask him when the baby is due. At the zoo, elephants go wild and use their trunks to make whistling noises when he walks by. He gets winded while driving. Winnie the Pooh started doing his stoutness exercises when someone told him he was starting to look like Rex Ryan. Ryans physique can best be described as a combination between Orpah and Jabba the Hutt.

SCORE: Brady 2, Ryan 0

STUDY HABITS

Tom Brady
Rex Ryan has accused Brady of not studying hard enough, but Bradys record pretty much speaks for itself. From his winning record to his streak of passes without an interception, Brady obviously studies opposing defenses enough to completely rip them apart.

Rex Ryan
The only thing Rex Ryan studies is the Dennys menu.

SCORE: Brady 3, Ryan 0
ACTIVITIES OUTSIDE OF FOOTBALL

Tom Brady
Brady knows football. That seems to be it. Oh and models. He knows those. But he doesnt seem to have any non-football athletic accomplishments when hes not embarrassing defenses on the field. Rexy on the other hand.
Rex Ryan
Rex might have won 10 Super Bowls in a row in his head, but in reality hes actually a ten time Sumo Wrestling champion. He was recently banned from Japan because Japanese officials thought he was juicing his stomach, and said there was no way a man could be that out of shape naturally. Sorry Japan that is all Rex and your Sumo warriors simply dont compare.

SCORE: Brady 3, Ryan 1

WHAT ABOUT THE ANIMALS?
Tom Brady
Brady might be intense and mean on the field sometimes but off the field hes a kind, gentle soul. He loves all animals, big and small. He even loves farm animals and has been known to take in sick goats and nurse them back to health. Hes one hell of a guy.

Rex Ryan
Rex is the exact opposite. His hunger knows no bounds. Not even animals are safe. Were not talking about steak or bacon. Not even cow hooves in Rexs case. Rex Ryan loves to eat poor, innocent puppies and kitties!!!

Terrible. What kind of human being would do something like this?!?!
SCORE: Brady 4, Ryan 1

We could go on and on.

The fact is Brady and the Patriots do their talking on the field, while Rex Ryan resorts to name calling and publicly calling out his opponents in a futile attempt to draw attention away from that fact that his team really isnt that good and is lucky to be where they are. He can call out every Patriot he wants. New Englands track record speaks for itself Rexy. See you Sunday.

Morning Skate: Another setback for Flyers top pick Nolan Patrick

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Morning Skate: Another setback for Flyers top pick Nolan Patrick

Here are all the links from around the hockey world, and what I’m reading, while wondering what Melissa McCarthy is going to do now that Spicey is gone.

*The debut for Philadelphia Flyers top pick Nolan Patrick has been scratched due to “an infection in his face.” Boy, this kid can’t get healthy, can he?

*Detroit Red Wings coach Jeff Blashill is 100 percent sure that the Winged Wheels will be making a return to the playoffs this season.

*PHT writer and FOH (Friend of Haggs) Jason Brough has hope returning to the city of Houston that they might get an NHL franchise one of these days.

*Travis Yost delves into shooting percentage and some of the nuances when properly trying to break it down statistically.

*There are new season ticket charges for Habs fans in Montreal, and boy are they pissed off about it. Feels like the kind of thing that could push them to riot in the streets or flood 911 emergency lines if the Canadiens aren’t too careful about it.

*Young Blues defenseman Colton Parayko signs a five-year deal with St. Louis to avoid salary arbitration while the D-man taken exactly one pick before him by the Bruins in the draft, Matt Grzelcyk, is going to be hard-pressed to move past the AHL level this season.

*For something completely different: What would Ivan Drago have been doing with his life after his showdown with Rocky in Mother Russia?

 

 

Bean: Nobody should ever compare Love Actually to the Warriors

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Bean: Nobody should ever compare Love Actually to the Warriors

I’ve never met Jemele Hill. I think she and Michael Smith are great and I completely respect her bravery in voicing the unpopular (but correct) opinion that “Bad and Boujee” is good, but not great. This isn’t about Jemele Hill. It’s about a question she asked and an attempt to answer it. 

Hell no it is not. Know why? Because the Warriors are awesome. Know what’s not awesome? Love Actually. 

All that these two things share is that they’re both loaded with stars. The Warriors have Steph, Draymond, Klay and Durant. Love Actually has Liam Neeson, Bill Nighy, Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman, Billy Bob Thornton, a child who kind of looks like Satan, etc. They’re both loaded. 

Yet the Warriors won and there is no debating their greatness. There is absolutely debating Love Actually’s greatness, since it isn’t great.  

It’s at this point that I should disclose that Pete Blackburn and I had a collective two-hour meltdown about all the reasons why Love Actually is terrible. There were lots. That’s why it took two hours. 

Here are some things about the Warriors:

- They won their second NBA title in three years. 

- They went 16-1 in the postseason. 

- Steph Curry made 56 more three-pointers than anyone else in the playoffs.  

- They led the NBA with 115.9 points per game. 

Here are some things about Love Actually:  

- The movie starts with a weird 9/11 reference. 

- Casual homophobia is rampant. 

- A widower gets mocked for his sexual inactivity very recently after his damn wife died. 

- The movie likely birthed thousands of eating disorders. 

- A guy decides to cross his best friend and make a run at that guy’s wife just so he can break it off immediately. The much coveted lose-lose-lose to ensure a weird life for everyone. 

- Somebody whose job it is to be a people person sexually harasses every woman in his office. 

- The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom has a woman fired because he wants to have sex with her. 

- The writer whose wife cheats on him storyline is literally the most boring thing in the history of the world. It makes The Steps of Knowledge in “Legends of the Hidden Temple” look like “Mad Max: Fury Road.” 

So no, Jemele Hill, “Love Actually” is not the Golden State Warriors of romantic comedies. Know what is? “Crazy, Stupid, Love.” That movie also has a loaded cast (and a better one, at that) with outstanding execution. 

Steph Curry is Cal. Six teams passed on him, but he made them rue the day. Draymond Green is Jacob, as he pulls a lot of stunts but he’s as lovable as lovable gets. Kevin Durant is David Lindhagen: He’s got his detractors, but he’s what makes the team the best. 

Love Actually stinks.