Red Sox struggles will continue; team will capitalize

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These are desperate times for the Boston Red Sox.

Heading into Tuesday night’s match-up with Minnesota, the Sox have lost six of seven, 10 of 14, and 19 of their last 29 games. Eight weeks into the season, they’ve only strung together one three-game winning streak compared to five losing streaks of three games or more. At this very moment, Boston has the league’s third highest payroll and the fourth worst run differential, and even though it’s only June 2, these developments have Sox fans reaching for the snooze button, or the remote, or the handle of Jack Daniels or that bottle of cyanide. It’s altogether frustrating and infuriating, and at the same time — paralyzing. Just knowing that no matter what you wish the Sox would’ve done last winter or what you think they should do this summer, they’re more than likely not going to do anything.

They can’t go back and overpay Jon Lester or James Shields, or resist pulling the trigger on Kung Pao Panda. Looking ahead, they’re not going to fire John Farrell midseason because they didn’t even fire Bobby Valentine midseason. They’re not going to fire Ben Cherington midseason because Larry Lucchino’s too busy building a new stadium for the PawSox. They’re not going to shift focus to the future because there are too many older guys under big contracts. They’re not going to trade away the future because it will take a lot more than Cole Hamels to salvage this mess. Basically, Fenway Sports Group is going to wait and hope that this mediocre team somehow creeps back towards the top of this mediocre division, and injects some life into a fan base that’s more deflated than Jim McNally’s waste line.

But here’s the thing about Fenway Sports Group: They may be down but they’re never out. They may be desperate but they’re not defeated. Even if this season has been one non-stop carousel of lemons, you better believe that Tom, Larry, Dr. Charles and the boys have built a lemonade stand. After all, as Mark Twain once said, “Last place is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”

With that, the gang at FSG — in accordance with the fact that this entirely made up so please don’t take it seriously — has a special and exciting announcement for Red Sox Nation.

It’s Fenway Futility!

Brought to you by, who else . . . but WB Mason.

Between now and the All Star Break, the first game of each Boston home series will be transformed into a celebration of historic struggles and blunders to remind the Fenway Faithful that as much as this sucks it can always suck worse. And also, keep coming to games and giving us your hard-earned money.

Anyway, here’s the schedule.

Buy your tickets now!

June 2 vs. Minnesota Twins: Former Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine throws out the first pitch; Sox Poet Laureate Dick Flavin entertains during the seventh-inning stretch with a live reading of his latest work: Dankest Basement.

All fans in attendance will receive a special half off coupon for a wrap at Bobby V’s Sports Bar in Windsor Locks, Connecticut. For every wrap that’s purchased, Pablo Sandoval promises to eat three.

June 5 vs. Oakland A’s: On the silver anniversary of their classic battle, Roger Clemens will throw out the first pitch, while umpire Terry Cooney crouches behind home plate and emphatically calls it a ball.

In an act of comradery, the A’s have agreed to trot out 58-year-old Dave Stewart against the Sox. (Oakland is currently listed as the 6-to-1 favorite.)

June 12 vs. Toronto Blue Jays: It’s been 23 years since the Blue Jays won their first of two straight World Series titles, but don’t forget that the Red Sox finished dead last that season.

To commemorate the achievement, two-time All Star Scott Cooper will throw out the first pitch and will be joined for pre and post game autograph sessions by former teammates Luis Rivera, Bob Zupcic, Joe Hesketh and Herm Winningham.

June 15 vs. Atlanta Braves: The Braves moved to Atlanta from Milwaukee in 1966, but before that, they moved to Milwaukee from Boston in 1952. In fact, the Braves represented this city in the 1948 World Series — which as crazy as it sounds, would’ve been an All-Boston World Series if the Sox hadn’t choked away a one-game home playoff against the Indians.

In honor of that defeat, the Sox are rolling back all* concessions at Fenway Park to 1948 prices. So come on by, and get a taste of how far that dollar used to take you.

Braves/Red Sox great Steve Avery will throw out the first pitch.

(*Roll back prices not applicable to alcohol, food or souvenirs.)

June 23 vs. Baltimore Orioles: While supplies last, all fans will be given the choice between three signed baseball cards:

1) Brady Anderson from his 50 home run season in Baltimore.

2) Curt Schilling from his World Series MVP season with Arizona.

3) 1989 Mike Boddicker.

July 3 vs. Houston Astros: First 10,000 fans will receive a special Jeff Bagwell bobble head.

Larry Andersen throws out the pitch.

July 7 vs. Miami Marlins: In the spirit of godly Marlins slugger Giancarlo Stanton, the Sox are bringing back the man who once played a similar role at Fenway:

That’s right, Jack “The Ripper” Clark will throw out the first pitch — and also perform “America the Beautiful” during the seventh-inning stretch.

July 10 vs. New York Yankees: The Sox close out Fenway Futility with a bang as Bucky Dent, Aaron Boone and Brent Stevens (the great grandson of Babe Ruth) will be on hand for a pre-game Q&A.

Derek Jeter and Nomar Garciaparra will throw out the first pitch.

And stick around after the game, for a special video tribute to the post-Boston playing careers of Johnny Damon, Jacoby Ellsbury and Wade Boggs.

Yup, that’s right.

Catch the fever!

And keep coming to Fenway . . .

And keep spending that money . . .

This new PawSox stadium isn’t going to pay for itself.

Follow me on Twitter @rich_levine

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