Thanksgiving with the Mayor, Part 3

Thanksgiving with the Mayor, Part 3
November 29, 2013, 2:30 pm
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Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Welcome back to the Internet. If you missed Part 1 of Thanksgiving with the Mayor, you can read it here.
 
If you missed Part 2, you can read it here.
 
And if you read both of those first two parts and want to read the third and final part, you can do that right here, and right now —
 
Just set the scene: At this very moment, Mayor Menino, his wife, David Ortiz, Tom Brady, Gisele, Rajon Rondo, Rob Gronkowksi, Patrice Bergeron, Koji Uehara and his translator are all sitting around the Thanksgiving table.
 
The Mayor just told everyone that he has an important announcement. And then, completely out of character, asked “Gronk” (who’s now hammered and wearing a Hulkamania tank top), instead of “Gonk”, to take a seat.
 
“Wait,” Brady asked, “did you just call him Gronk?”
 
 
Thanksgiving with the Mayor
 
Part 3: End of the Road
 
 
Brady: Seriously, did anyone else hear that?
 
Rondo: Yeah, I heard it.
 
Menino: Well, you heard right . . . ‘Rajon Rondo.’
 
Bergeron: What the heck?
 
Menino looks around the table.
 
Menino: Patrice Bergeron. Rob Gronkowski. Gisele Bundchen, Tom Brady.
 
Rondo: Freaky.
 
Menino: Dante Scarnecchia. Doug Mientkiewicz. Jarrod Saltalamacchia. Michael Hoomanawanui.
 
Ortiz: Dios mio, man. What the hell is this?
 
Uehera: 私はまだ私はここでやっているのか分からない。この地獄は何ですか
 
Menino: 地獄は、私は浩二、生きてきたものです。真実は無料で、あなたが設定されます。
 
Translator: Wait, and you know Japanese?!
 
Menino: Go have your cigarette, tomodachi. I can take it from here.
 
Uehera: だから、これは全ての冗談だった
 
Menino: はい、浩二。私は悪い感じが、時間はどこかについて白状する権利である。
 
Uehera: 私はあまり気にしませんでした。あなたがおどけている。
 
Gisele: OK. ENOUGH. Can someone please explain what’s going on here.
 
Mrs. Menino: Isn’t it obvious?
 
Gronkowski: The Mayor is Chinese?!
 
Menino: No, Gronk.
 
Brady: Mayor Menino, please. You have to tell us what this is all about.
 
Menino grabs his wife’s hand, and takes a deep breath.
 
Menino: It was all an act.
 
Gisele: Get out!
 
Bergeron: Nooooo!
 
Rondo: I knew it.
 
Gronkowski: Wait, what was an act?
 
Menino: Everything.
 
Bergeron: No way. You were lying!? Why would you lie to us? To everyone?! Mrs. M, please tell me you weren’t in on this. Please . . .
 
Mrs. Menino: I’m sorry, Patrice.
 
Bergeron gets up and runs into the kitchen.
 
Mrs. Menino: You OK in here, Tom?
 
Menino: Yeah, I’ve got it. Go talk to Patrice.
 
Gronkowski: Can I come, too? This is all such a shock and everything. Really think I need another shot.
 
Mrs. Menino: Come on, Robby.
 
Mrs. Menino puts her arm around Gronkowski and they walk into the kitchen.
 
Brady: Mr. Mayor, please.
 
Menino: It started innocently enough. It was May of 2010, and Angela and I were having breakfast before the big Bobby Orr statue unveiling at the Garden. It was one of those beautiful spring mornings in Boston. Everything was perfect. The Bloody Marys were flowing like the strands of Kelly Olynyk’s hair. So, we were messing around, just having fun, coming up with ideas for my introduction speech. At one point, as a joke, I said: ‘Man, can you imagine the reaction if I refer to Adam Vinatieri as Jason Varitek?’ We had a good laugh, but didn’t think that much of it.
 
Ortiz: Wait, so—
 
Menino: Poopy, please. I’ll answer your questions in a second.
 
Ortiz: What in the—
 
Menino: So, it’s later that day. I’m up at the podium. Going through my spiel: ‘“Havlicek stole the ball . . . Fisk waving the ball fair . . . Flutie launching the Hail Mary pass . . .’ and then for a split second, I caught Angela’s face in the crowd. She smiled in a way that made me feel more alive than I had in 10 years. Something came over me. And then, for whatever reason, I said it: ‘ . . . Varitek splitting the uprights.’’
 
Gisele: OK, great. So it was all some stupid joke. Tom, can we get out of here now.
 
Menino: The reaction was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I mean, I was on SportsCenter! Everyone was talking about Mayor Menino.
 
Uehera: 我々は、すべてのスポーツセンターにしてきた
 
Menino: I know, Koji. But you have to understand. I think all you guys can understand. Once you get a taste of the limelight, it’s hard to walk away. Fame can consume a man.
 
Gronkowski stumbles back in; now wearing only his boxers.
 
Gronkowski: Wassssuuuup?! What are you dorks talking about in here?
 
Menino: Go lie down on the couch, Gronk.
 
Angela! Can you and Patrice please grab Gronk’s keys.
 
Brady: But people were making fun of you.
 
Menino: Please, we were making fun of them. I mean, here were thousands and thousands of people going on and on about how stupid I was. Making jokes at MY expense. Yet at the same time, they’re living in a city run be ME. And THEY kept electing me over and over. Come on! It was hilarious.
 
At first, we only planned to do it one more time. In June of that year, I was speaking at a dedication for the Tobin Community Center and made reference to NBA commissioner “Donald Sterns.” People went nuts. I saw Stern at Club Med a few weeks later and we laughed about it for hours.
 
After that, it was like a drug. I couldn’t stop.
 
Ortiz: Man, I don’t know how you even live with yourself, man. Lying to all those people for so long.
 
Menino: Oh come on, David. We all have our secrets. Can anyone here say that they’ve truly never told a lie in a time of —
 
Rondo: I didn’t really tear my ACL.
 
Entire table: ?!?!
 
Rondo: Man, it feels good to finally say that out loud.
 
Brady: But —
 
Rondo: It’s all part of Ainge’s plan. Think about it: I played two overtimes after tearing it! How is that even possible? Truth is I’ve been ready since last May. But Danny needs me on the sidelines. Said to sit tight until he can bring in a few more pieces or he’ll trade me wherever I want to go. It’s just one of those things where—
 
Brady: I don’t know what the Mike linebacker does.
 
Entire table: ?!?!
 
Gisele begins rubbing Brady’s back.
 
Brady: No clue. I know it sounds good, so every time I’m at the line I just pick a guy and call him the Mike. But it could be anyone. I have no idea.
 
Rondo: That doesn’t make sense. How do you keep winning?
 
Gisele: Um, because he’s Tom f---ing Brady. Duh.
 
Uehera: 私はストリッパーに恋している
 
Menino: Wow! Koji! Really?! That’s um, well, that’s interesting, and may I also add, rather troubling. But I’m glad you got it out in the open. I’m glad we all are. I can’t tell you relieved I am to—
 
Ortiz: Eh, guys?
 
Everyone looks at Ortiz.
 
So, uhh, you know how Papi said he was going to get to the bottom of that positive drug test? Well, umm, I did. And, you see . . .
 
Boom!
 
There’s a crash in the living room, and every one runs in to check on what happened. Gronkowski is passed out under a collapsed book shelf. Snoring peacefully with a satisfied grin on his face.
 
Menino: Damn it, Gronk.
 
Someone’s phone beeps.
 
Gisele: Oh, God. That’s the babysitter. Tom, the kids are throwing up again. Let’s go. We need to get home.
 
Brady: OK, just wait one second. I want to—
 
Gisele: We need to get home.
 
Brady: But —
 
Gisele: Mayor, thank you for whatever this was. We’re leaving.
 
Brady: See you guys.
 
Brady and Gisele walk out.
 
Ortiz: Yeah, man. This is getting weird. Papi’s out of here.
 
Menino: But Poopy, wait!
 
Ortiz punches Menino in the face, as Mrs. Menino walks into the room.
 
Mrs. Menino: Yes! There it is! Pay up, Tommy boy.
 
Menino: (Lying on the ground) Nope! That was No. 5! I called him Poopy one other time when you were in the kitchen!
 
Rondo: Yeah. Umm, think it’s time for me to leave, too. Papi, wait up.
 
Menino: Oh come on, guys. We haven’t even had dessert!
 
Rondo: Hey yo, Koji. Let’s go, man. Party’s over.
 
Uehara: あなたが犬である
 
Menino: Koji, I know you’re angry, but there’s no need to be mean. Honey, where’s Patrice?
 
Mrs. Menino: He left 20 minutes ago, Tom. Said it will be years before he can trust again.
 
Doorbell.
 
Menino: I’ll get it!
 
Opens door.
 
Belichick: Where is he?
 
Menino: The living room.
 
Belichick: OK, get him guys.
 
Nate Solder and Logan Mankins walk in and into the living room. They clear out the book shelf, throw Gronkowski over their shoulders and walk out without saying a word.
 
Menino’s left standing alone by the front door, and then sulks back into the living room. He steps over the discarded book shelf and lies face down on the couch. A few minutes pass before he hears his wife walk in from the kitchen.
 
Menino: What a disaster. I can’t believe it all came to this.
 
She taps him on the shoulder and hands him a tall shot of Cuervo.
 
Mrs. Menino: Well, you know what? I can believe it.
 
Menino: Huh?
 
Mrs. Menino: And I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m proud of you, Tom. I’m proud of what you did tonight. I’m proud of this near perfect prank we pulled on the entire world these last few years. I’m proud of everything you’ve ever done! I love you.
 
Raises her shot glass.
 
Mrs: Menino: To the Mayor?
 
A huge smile comes over Menino’s face.
 
Menino: To the mayor!
 
 
The end.
 
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