Thanksgiving with the Mayor, Part 1

Thanksgiving with the Mayor, Part 1
November 27, 2013, 12:30 pm
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Every year, on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, Boston Mayor Thomas Menino hosts a special pre-holiday dinner at his house, and invites Boston’s most powerful sports figures to come over and celebrate. Naturally, 2013 was no different.
But as part of his decision to step down as Mayor of Boston, Menino also decided that this would be the final year of his classic Thanksgiving tradition. And as a result of that decision, I decided it was only right to chronicle the event, so that it could take its proper place among so many other special moments in Boston sports history.
For the sake of length, and finagling three clicks out of this story instead of one, the night will broken down into three parts. Part 1 is today. Part 2 will be up by the time you need a break from your family tomorrow. Part 3 will be up on Friday as you spend all morning, day and night bouncing between the couch and the bathroom. So here we go —
Thanksgiving with the Mayor
Part 1: The Arrival
Menino: Ah, yes. The first guests have arrived. Another Menino Thanksgiving is under way!
(Opens door)
Tom Brady: Hey there, Mr. Mayor! Thanks again for having us. You know my wife, Gis—
Gisele: His name is Tom.
Menino: Huh?
Gisele: My husband’s name is Tom.
Brady: (Laughing nervously) Mr. Mayor, please, don’t worry about it. We really appreciate the invite. Is anyone else here?
Menino: Nope. You’re the firsts. And you know what they say: Early worm gets the bird. Please come in and have a seat in the living room. Let me take your coats.
Gisele: I’ll hold mine. It’s freezing in here.
Menino: (rubbing his hands together) Oh boy, now we’re cooking. Please, make yourselves at home.
(Opens door)
David Ortiz: (smiling, goes in for a hug) Just Big Papi, man. There’s no Poopy around here. I brought you this casserole, though. It’s got all that good s*it in there, too.
Menino: Casserole? Poopy, you shouldn’t have. Here let me take your mink.
Ortiz: Mink? This is wolf fur, man! My boy Peavy killed it himself.
Menino: Yes, yes. Well OK. Come on in. The Bradley’s are already here.
Ortiz: Wait, Jackie?
(In the living room)
Gisele: Paaaaapi!!
Ortiz: G! What’s up, baby?
(Gisele runs up and gives him a hug)
Tommy! What’s good? I watched you guys against the Broncos, man. Papi lost his sh*t!”
Brady: (smiling) Ahhh, yeah. Thanks, David. It was a great game. We can still get better, though. Still have ways to improve. You know, we were all really inspired by —
Ortiz: Dayum, girl. Look at those shoes! Manolos?
Gisele: Hell yeah! You like ‘em? (glances at Brady) It’s nice to have someone notice.
Menino: I’ll get it!
(Opens door)
Rajon Rondo: (smirking) What’s up?
(Rondo walks in)
Patrice Bergeron: (from outside) Hey, wait! Don’t close that door!
Menino: Patrick! So glad you could make it.
Bergeron: Mr. Mayor. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. And wow, I know I say this every year, but what a beautiful house you have.
Menino: (blushing)
Bergeron: Here, I brought some flowers for your wife. And here’s a nice bottle of wine for the party. Also this morning’s newspaper was on the front lawn, so here you go. Should I take my shoes off before coming in?
Menino: No, no. Just follow Roger into the living room. Tim, Poopy and Jizzle are already in there. I’m gonna go put this stuff in the kitchen.
(In the kitchen)
Menino: (dances through the door) I love it when they call me big POP-PA!
Mrs. Menino: Ooh, Tommy. Those are beautiful!
Menino: Damn straight! Bergeron brought them. Here, put the vase next to the spice rack he got us last year. And when you get a second, go take a peek in the closet. You gotta see Ortiz’s coat!
Mrs. Menino: Haha. Did you call him Poopy again?
Menino: (Laughing) I couldn’t resist. Went with Hondo one more time, too. Gotta get them in while I can!
Mrs. Menino: God, I love you.
Menino: Love you, too. Gotta go!
Mrs. Menino: Wait, quick. One more shot of Cuervo?
Menino: Aw, sure. Let’s have some fun. To the Mayor!
(Opens door)
Menino: Gonk!
Rob Gronkowski: Uhhhuhhuh. Hey, Mr. Mayor. Thanks for having me and everything. Here you go. I brought something for the party.
Menino: A six-pack of Coors Light? Gonk, that’s perfect. It’s so great to see you again. Come on, let’s check out the living room. Just about everyone’s here.
(In the living room)
Gronkowski: (raising the roof as he walks in) Yo! What’s up, fellas?
Brady: Heyy!
Ortiz: Groooonk!
Bergeron: Yeah!
Rondo: (looking down at his phone)
Gronkowski: Uhh, hey Gisele. (staring down at his flip-flops) Uhhhuhhuh, Happy Thanksgiving.
Gisele: Aw, thanks Robbie. You too. Are those special turkey prints on your Zubaz?
Menino: I’ll get it!
(Opens door)
Laaahdog. What’s up? Right on time, as always.
Larry Lucchino: You know me, Thomas. But listen, I can’t stay. Just wanted to come by and say a quick hello and Happy Thanksgiving. Also, I need a little more insight on this Walsh character. When’s the right time to let him in on our little deal?
Menino: (distracted; looking over Lucchino’s shoulder) What the hell?! What’s Belichick doing here?
Lucchino: Oh wow. This is perfect. Listen, I’m just gonna look straight ahead, but nod to me when he’s within earshot, OK?
Menino: Yup.
Lucchino: (loudly) YEAH, SO YOU KNOW. LIKE I WAS SAYING, MR. MAYOR. WAITING SIX WHOLE years between winning the World Series was just sooo difficult. I can’t imagine how ANYONE in sports could go longer than that between championships and still look at themselves in the mirror.
Bill Belichick: Screw you, Larry.
Lucchino: Oh, hey Bill. Didn’t see you there.
Menino: Why, umm, coach Belcherick, uhh, to what do I owe—
Belichick: Cut the act, Menino. Just do me a favor and make sure Gronkowski stays out of trouble. Worst case scenario: Steal his keys, and have Bergeron give him a ride home.
Menino: Got it.
Belichick: OK. (walks away)
Lucchino: Bill, we missed you at the World Series DVD release the other day!
Belichick: (raises his middle finger without looking back or breaking stride)
Lucchino: OK, I gotta run, too. Love to the Mrs. I’ll see you next week at Poker Night. Whose turn is it to host?
Menino: Think we’re on Henry’s yacht.
Lucchino: Ugh. Can’t stand the smell in there. OK, see you then.
(In the kitchen)
Menino: (Bursts through the door) Honey, you will not freaking BELIEVE what just — Oh, um, hey Patrice, I mean, um, Patrick.
Mrs. Menino: Honey, Patrice insisted on helping us get a head start on cleaning the kitchen while I finish up dinner. We’ve got it under control. See you in a few minutes. Is everyone here?
Menino: Just waiting for one more.
(In the living room)
Gisele: What are you even talking about?
Rondo: I’m just saying that I think my outfit looks a lot better than yours.
Gronkowski: Don’t listen to him to him, G. You are seriously smoking right now.
(Off the to the side)
Brady: David, you gotta level with me. I need this right now. Tell me it’s worth the wait.
Ortiz: Tommy, look in to my eyes as I tell you this . . .
Menino: I’ll get it!
(Opens door)
Koji Uehara: 私を持っていただきありがとうございます
Translator: Thank you for having me.
Menino: (bowing awkwardly) No, no. Thank YOU guys. Please, follow me into the living room.
(In the living room)
Ortiz: Koji! My man!
Uehara: こんにちは、大型の父
Translator: Hello, large father.
Menino: OK, everyone! Listen up. You’re all here, so let’s move into the dining room. It dinner time!
(In the kitchen)
Menino: Where’s Bergeron?
Mrs. Menino: He’s out setting the table. Is everyone here?
Menino: Yup. Uehara just showed up with his translator.
Mrs. Menino: All righty. Let’s do it. One more shot?
Menino: Aw, what the hell. Make it two.
To be continued . . .

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