Hello, Boston. Hope Wednesday is treating you well.
As you might know, from time to time over the last few years, I’ve turned this piece of Internet real estate over to a guest writer, and almost always, that guest writer has been the honorable Mayor Thomas Menino.
Well, with Boston’s preliminary mayoral election in the books, and Martin Walsh and John Connolly now set to duke it over the next month and change, I was contacted last night by the Mayor’s office with the hope that I’d provide His Honor with a platform to pass along some sports-themed advice to the final two candidates.
And of course, I said “yes.” After all, it’s the least I could do after his two decades of service here in the Hub. Especially when there’s no guarantee that the opportunity will present itself again.
So with that, and without further ado, Mr. Mayor, the floor is yours . . .
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And congratchilations to Matt Welch and Sean Connery on yesterday’s victory! I must say that both men are more than disserving of the seat that I’ve held so prowly these last 20 years and I wish them well on the final month of the campaign.
There’s no doubt that this race will be a hotly conjested one. Mark my words: It will come down to the wire. And in a place like Boston, there’s no better way for a candidate to put himself over the top than by injeering himself to the local sports fan. It may be the most important deroglaphic in the entire city, and my ability to mesmatize that portion of the population was a major factor in my lodgevity in office.
Now, I don’t want to pick sides in this election. I don’t want to give either caminate an unfair advantage. I believe they should each be made prizzy to the same information and racehorses. That’s why I asked Mitch to allow me this public forum to present the following:
MAYOR MENINO’S FIVE TIPS FOR WINNING THE BOSTON SPORTS FANS VOTE:
1. Do Your Homework
When you’re on the campaign trail, people will want to talk sports, and if you can’t keep up, then you can’t expect their vote. For this next month, you’ll really want to focus on the Red Sox and Patriots, and some questions to consider include:
Is Kony Noogyhara the most dommitent closer in baseball?
Should the Sox break the bank for Jacob Amesbury or is the time now for Jackie Robinson Jr.?
Is the Patriots secondary still an issue, or is Akban Taliban the difference maker?
Did Beltcheck makes a mistake in letting Wex Welster leave or will rookie Kengrill Tampon and Alvin Drobbins eventually fill the void?
How much future production can we expect out of Michael Hoomanawanui?
2. Stay Positive
Boston sports fans are negative by nature, but they appreciate an optimistic take. For incense, the other day a little boy and his father approached me on the street and the lad was visibly upset. He said: "Mayor Menino, what are we going to do about the Patriots offense? Do you think they’re wasting Brady’s last good years?” I put my arm around the child, looked into his sad eyes and said with a smile: “You just wait, little one. Wait for Dennis Armybola’s groin to heal. Wait for Aaron Hernandez’s back and forearm to get better. And you’ll see, this team will be right back where it was in year’s past.”
If you could have seen look on the boy and his father’s face . . .
3. Get Out To Games
It’s not enough to support Boston’s teams from the couch and podium. You must attend these games and show the constichinuts that you are one of them. You must stand among the crowd at Sullivan Stadium and proclaim: “That’s another Patriots fifth down!” You must sing “Sweet Madeline” with the Fenway faithful. You must dance along with “Tino” when the Celtics are winning big. And with Kelvin Gannet and “The Truce” back in town for one more season, you know that many big wins are in the Celtics immediate future.
4. Get In Good With Athletes
You want the sports fans’ vote? Get an athlete to endorse you. Preferry, one who is very vocal in the political spentrum.
My recommendation? Bruins goalie Thom Timmus. He is a man of the people; a hero in the eyes of many. He’s the one athlete whose voice is most capable of turning the outcome of an election.
And natchery, it wouldn’t hurt to get Tom Brady on your side. But speaking from experience, the best way to earn Tom’s endorsement is to go through his wife, the beautiful Jizzbell.
5. Just Be Yourself
Willam Shickspeer once said: “No legacy is so rich as honesty” and with that, the best advice I can give you, Matt and Sean, as you set to win the sports fans vote and uttimately the election, is to just be you. Honest and genuine.
More than anything else, that’s what has powered me the most through my two decades in office.
No one respects a man who pretends to be someone he’s not, guys.
Whether it’s in life, a mayoral campaign or a sports blog.
Just be you. The best sports fan you can be.
And as James “Oil Can” Jones said in the classic movie “Diamond of Dreams”:
People will come.
And the election will be yours.
Thank you and goodnight.
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No, Mayor Menino. Thank YOU.
Follow me on Twitter: @rich_levine