OK, so we can obviously rule out the entire National League.
You have a better chance of seeing Larry Lucchino standing outside Theo's bedroom window with a boom box than you do of seeing David Ortiz in the N.L.
Next, let's consider the reigning American League playoff teams.
After all, you assume that Ortiz wants to play for a winner:
Texas: They're already paying Michael Young 32 million over next two years. At 35, Young can still play a little third base, and a little more first base, but more than anything he's a DH. Made 69 appearances last year, and that will increase.
Tigers: Hey, remember Victor Martinez?
Yankees: They've already expressed their disinterest, although things can always change. But what won't change is that 37-year-old Derek Jeter and 36-year-old Alex Rodriguez are at the point where they'll need their share of reps in the designated slot. (Also, I don't care that they're Yankees, that last sentence is depressing as hell).
Tampa Bay: This one's interesting, especially if the Rays don't bring back Johnny Damon. But then again, if the Sox aren't willing to give Papi what he wants (and we have to assume that, all offers being equal, Ortiz would stay in Boston), why would the Rays? Overpaying is not their style.
OK, so how about other perennial contenders?
Angels: They still have Bobby Abreu on the hook for another season, and Kendrys Morales should finally return after the most costly home run celebration in Major League history.
White Sox: They owe Adam Dunn 44 million over the next three years. Ha. Also, soon-to-be 36-year-old Paul Konerko's around for the next two years and getting DHier by the day.
And perennial non-contenders?
A's and Mariners: Both these teams are in the market for a DH, but there's no way Ortiz makes the leap. Or if he does, he'll immediately regret the decision. You don't spend nearly a decade as a hero in the most obsessed baseball city in America and make a seamless transition into the doldrums of the AL West. Also, while we're here, let's eliminate the rest of the AL Central: Indians, Royals and Twins = not happening.
And lastly, how about the rest of the A.L. East?
Blue Jays: Their need for Ortiz decreased when they picked up the option on Edwin Encarnacion, but I suppose there's still might be some interest. Idea: If the Jays want Papi so badly, the Sox should sign him themselves and then offer Ortiz straight up for John Farrell.
Orioles: You know Buck Showalter would love this. The guy's more concerned with the Red Sox than he his own team. But then again, if they're looking for an aging Dominican DH, they're better off re-signing Vlad Guerrero he'll come cheaper. Or better yet, how about bringing both Vlad and Papi in and having them race around the bases for the job? At the end of the day, much like with the A's and Mariners, I don't see Papi sucking it up and committing two (or three) years to basement Baltimore.
And at the end of free agency, despite alleged interest and other offers, I don't see Papi anywhere but Boston. He and his agent can posture all they want.
There's no better fit and no more likely destination.