Dear loyal subjects,
As you may have read in this morning's paper, or in stories across the "Internet," the Boston Red Sox have reached a crossroads in our search for a manager.
We interviewed many very capable and viable candidates, but after an assortment of thorough conversations among the Sox brain trust (aka me talking to myself in the bathroom mirror), we've decided that, so far, no one fits the bill. No one's good enough for "you."
There are rumors that we were "very" interested in Dale Sveum, which I can finally reveal were a HILARIOUS joke. You really thought we'd hire Send 'Em In Sveum?
Please. I was just messing with Theo.
I know how badly that little twirp wants Sveum. So, why not make him squirm? What's wrong with a few sleepless night? Why not bring Dale in for a second interview, and freak out that ungrateful punk of a protege?
And I'll tell you this: Even if we were slightly interested in Sveum initially that changed as soon as the Cubs got involved. I mean, if Theo's interested in someone you stay the hell away, right? We're talking about the same guy who thought it was a good idea to sign John Lackey and Carl Crawford. JD Drew? Julio Lugo? Edgar Renteria? All Epstein.
In fact, do you know Theo didn't even want us to hire Terry Francona? Nope, he HATED Terry. Said he'd never last. And you'll never guess who Theo suggested we bring in instead
Think about that for a second.
Anyway, I thank you all for your time. I know it's a little out of the ordinary for the king president and CEO of a Major League Baseball team to reach out to his fans like this, but what can I say? That's Larry Lucchino.
Honest. Open. Benevolent.
Never stupid enough to pay 15.5M for two years of Mike Cameron.
And here to remind you that this organization won't rest until we find a man capable of leading the Red Sox into another era of dominance.
Or at least a guy who's willing to do whatever I tell him.