Everyones talking about Larry Lucchinos letter to Red Sox fans, so I figured Id have some fun with it. And by have some fun, I mean be mean and sarcastic.
Dear Season Ticket Holder:
Ooh, very intimate.
As we cross the midpoint of our 2012 season, we thank you for your loyal support thus far. We met many of you at our new spring home, JetBlue Park at Fenway South, and renewed more acquaintances as we opened the 100th Anniversary season at Fenway Park.
Wow. Major upset! It took him 42 words to mention the 100th Anniversary. I had 12 in the office pool.
We sensed that the nostalgia touched you, and we hope to continue to celebrate this special anniversary from time to time throughout the year.
Hmm, this a little creepy. Ok, Season Ticket Holder, now show us on the doll where nostalgia touched you.
Our play on the field has at times tested the mettle of the faithful. It could be maddening one day, enthralling the next day. Along the way, we have seen our bullpen gel, young players emerge, and veterans lead.
He had me until veterans lead. Was that just a throwaway line, Larry? Did you need that third article and think: Aw, what the hell? Lets just say veterans lead! If so, its too bad because it takes away from the message and the fact that the first two things are actually true.
We have watched the team coalesce into a close group. Personalities are enhancing the chemistry, such as the cheerful Cody Ross, the friendly Mike Aviles, and the inspiring story of Daniel Nava.
Cheerful and friendly? Larry, you can do better than that. Especially for two guys as gritty as Aviles and Ross. Friendly and cheerful are good words for the girl who walks around Fenway balancing the case of Poland Springs on her head, or John Henry after a couple glasses of Chardonnay. Not two tough-as-nails baseball players.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia has shown power, in the clutch, worthy of an All-Star. And as the talented Will Middlebrooks forced his way into the lineup, we bade farewell, with gratitude, to Kevin Youkilis, who helped us win two World Championships.
Not sure why it bothers me so much when people refer to Kevin Youkilis as having helped Boston win two World Championships. I mean, the guy did enough for this city on his own merit to get credit for crap he didnt really do. (i.e. contribute in the 2004 playoffs.) But whatever. Not a big deal. Thats in the past. We already bade farewell.
The one constant on the field has been our beloved Big Papi, David Ortiz. How thrilled we were that our gregarious leader reached the 400-home run plateau in a career that we hope will forever be with the Red Sox.
Vintage Lucchino. Over-the-top to the point of insincerity. "What? What do you mean Big Papi doesnt like the way we treat him? Didnt he see my letter to the Season Ticket Holders?!"
The one constant off the field is that we have had a veritable All-Star Team on the disabled list. As we begin the second half, we look forward to the return of the varsity, including Jacoby Ellsbury, Carl Crawford, Andrew Bailey, and the ever-dirty Dustin Pedroia.
Hmm . . . whats a good adjective I can use for Dustin Pedroia . . . lets see, Ive already used friendly, cheerful and inspiring . . . Ive used clutch, talent and gregarious. Oooh, how about ever-dirty? Oh yes. Thats it. Youve done it again, Luchhino! Muahahahah!"
While this infusion of such talent in late July may make other General Managers green with envy . . .
Oh yes, Im sure there are tons of GMs out there thinking: Aw man . . . Cheringtons getting back a 31-year-old, out-of-shape outfielder who needs Tommy John surgery and a closer who will be hurt again in two weeks . . . no fair!
. . . you can be sure that Ben Cherington and his Baseball Operations Staff will approach the July 31 trading deadline with their tireless work ethic.
Which I will undermine with weasel-like weaseliness . . ."
If someone can further help this club, and if the deal makes sense, we will be aggressive. We want to play October Baseball this year.
Good news, guys. The Red Sox are only going to make a trade if it helps the team and makes sense. And some good news for you, Larry. The last game of the regular season is on October 3. October Baseball, baby!
But on a serious note, I think the key phrase from this section is makes sense. Because I have a feeling that what might make sense to people who actually care about this team, might not be what makes sense to Larry Lucchino.
Meanwhile, as you come to Fenway Park throughout this season, we hope you will come earlythe secret to fully enjoying a sports venue.
Enough about the playoffs . . . lets get to the good stuff!
Now A Living Museum, Fenway Park probably leads the league in bronze plaques and commemorative displays along the concourses.
Enjoy them at your leisure early . . .
Don't you just know that Larry pronounces "leisure" in way that rhymes with "pleasure."
. . . well before the escalation of excitement as game time approaches. And as always, if you have reactions, suggestions, or ideas that will make the ballpark experience even better, we invite you to send them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear email@example.com, I have one reaction, one suggestion and one idea.Reaction: Horror, at the sight of what ownership has done to this team.Suggestion: Fenway Sports Group should sell the Red Sox.Idea: Fenway Frank "Pigs in a Blanket"
By the way, if were in your neighborhood for a visit during Acts of Kindness Month this month, please come over and say hello. We enjoy listening to you, and we enjoy talking baseball with you. Were your biggest fans. So, on behalf of John Henry . . .
Who's currently reading over my shoulder.
. . . Tom Werner
Who's currently napping.
. . . our partners
LeBron James and Liverpool F.C.
. . . and our entire organization
Except for Wally. He says to go screw.
We thank you again, and we look forward to seeing you at Fenway Park.
But even if you don't come, we're still going to tell everyone that you did.
Keep the Faith,
And buy a brick!
and Rich Levine