The 85th Academy Awards were held last night at the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood — and Rob Gronkowski was supposed to be there.
But he wasn’t.
As the story goes, Gronk was slated to work the red carpet as a correspondent for the NFL Network — interviewing celebrities, cracking jokes, gronking it up for the crowd— but late last week, the appearance was abruptly canceled.
Speculation was that this decision came from the top of the Patriots organization; that the Krafts, Belichick and company have grown tired of Gronk’s off-season antics and want him out of the spotlight.
Of course, that theory makes a ton of sense. It’s entirely believable.
But it’s not true.
Instead, it turns out that Gronk skipped the Oscars in order to HOST the first annual Boscars™ — a new award show celebrating achievement in Boston sports.
The event was held last night at the Orpheum Theatre and all the stars were in attendance. And while I’m legally prohibited from publishing the details of the entire show — which will air sometime in the spring — the Boscar committee has agreed to let me run with the transcript of Gronk’s opening monologue (which went over just about as smoothly as you might imagine).
So with that, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, the host of the 1st annual Boscars . . .
Cue applause and Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock n Roll,” as Gronk slides across the stage wearing nothing but white socks, a white button down and his tighty whiteys. He over-slides his mark and crashes forearm first into the orchestra; the crowd erupts in laughter.
“Uh huh huh huh. . .”
“Um, good evening everyone and uh, welcome to the first annual Boscars!”
“Yo soy host Rob Gronkowski, and I’m honored, humbled and TOTALLY PSYCHED to be up here in front of so many superstars of the Boston sports scene . . . and John Lackey.
Laughter, as the camera cuts to an unamused Lackey.
“Nah, I’m just foolin’. Uh huh huh, you know, we really have a great night planned, and I can’t wait to get the PARTY STARTED!”
Suddenly, an unidentified Gronkowski brother fires a can of Busch Light at Gronk. He catches it, chugs it and then spikes the empty.
“Now THAT’s how you drink a beer!
“Anyone got some Popeye’s?!”
The crowd erupts, as the camera pans back to Lackey, who’s still not laughing but appears to have lost 20 pounds.
“Uh huh, so like I said, I just want to thank everyone for coming tonight, and like I said, it’s amazing to be up here in front so many great athletes. Only in a city like Boston can you find enough star power to pull off an event like this, and I know I speak for everyone when I say that we’re all so grateful to call Boston home . . .”
Applause, as the camera pans to Wes Welker sitting with his wife, Tom Brady and Gisele.
“Or at least for another few weeks, right, Wes?”
Welker shakes his head; cut back to Gronk who’s now only wearing tighty whiteys.
It’s good to see my quarterback here, too. You know, people always ask me what it’s like to share a huddle with one of the greatest QBs of all time, and my answer is always the same:
"TOTALLY awesome . . ."
Applause, as Brady smiles and raises a glass of red wine in Gronk’s direction.
“. . . but I’d give it all up for just one night with that Yummy Mummy! HA!”
Gisele storms out, as Brady chases after her. Gronk hops off stage to deliver a high five to another unidentified brother.
“Ah, come on, Gis! I’m just foolin’. Uh huh huh . . . so it looks like Danny Ainge his here tonight."
“Been a crazy few weeks for you, ay buddy?"
Camera pans to Ainge, who nods in approval.
“I sympathize with you, bro. I know it’s not easy to pull the trigger sometimes. Like when you’re propositioned by a girl, but you’re not sure if you might eventually get a better proposition from a better girl and then you’re like — wait a second — maybe I can have both!”
The crowd erupts as Gronk stage dives into a pack of Gronkowski brothers and runs up and down high fiving everyone in the aisles. By the time he’s back on stage, the tighty whiteys are gone and he’s completely naked.
“Haha! Now we’re cooking! Uh huh huh, you know what? This whole night reminds me of an after party I was at last weekend in the champagne room at the Spearmint Rhino when—”
Suddenly, his mic goes, as man in a gray-hooded sweatshirt is seen scrambling out the back door.
The show cuts to a commercial and the first annual Boscars are underway . . .