WickedLeaks: The Gonzalez Hoax

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WickedLeaks: The Gonzalez Hoax

By Adam Hart
CSNNE.com

A series of cables revealing the inner workings of the Adrian Gonzalez trade has been released by WickedLeaks, the preeminent publisher of confidential false documents.

Wicked Good Sports has obtained the e-mail "cable" series, and presents it to you in its original form:

FM: RDSXWNR HNRYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXTVGY

It is protocol to exclude vowels from the heading of these cablegrams, but 'sometimes Y' has always caused me to overly ponder. Discontinuance of this mode of communication may be for the best, my dears.

FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY

John, I think now is not the sometime 'Y' is a vowel. Plus, how will we dominate the international sport theatre if we don't play the part? It's like we're professional diplomats; reminds me of using walkie talkies as a kid -- "over."

FM: RDSXWNR HNRYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXTVGY

Your imagination runs so wild, Tom. And I like it like that. The cablegrams will proceed as planned.

My bride has informed me this "Felger" has been menacing all about the radio waves, propagating suspicion of our motivation with the Red Sox portfolio. Granted, ratings have dropped where other sports have gained. I may order you to once again manufacture public interest in this portfolio.

FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY

One uuuhh word: Hoax.

FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY

Larry, you forgot to include Theo on that last cable.

Anyway, a hoax is the greatest form of a ratings booster. Remember Balloon Boy? That was television gold. But where will we find a weather balloon?

From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner

I have some encouraging news. Conversations to acquire Adrian Gonzalez from the Padres for prospects have reached the final stages. We will not part with any Major League talent. This is a steal, but only if we sign him to a big-money, long-term deal. Can I get you three to sign off on this?

FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY

Come on, Theo. Didn't you receive the memo on cable heading protocol? I've attached a copy to this cable.

But you say his name is Adrian, huh? Any relation to Adrian Beltre? It'd be great TV to use that on our season storyboard: Two brothers reunited in Boston to help defeat the Evil Empire. I'll get my writing staff on it ASAP.

From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner

No. Adrian is his first name; they are in no way related. And Beltre is not coming back. We talked about this.

San Diego is ready to move on if we don't give them an answer soon. Please let me know if we can commit something like 180 million to him.

FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY, RDSXGM

I'd prefer ARod.

From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner

Really, it'd be so much easier if we could just do this in person. Or over the phone?

FM: RDSXWNR HNRYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXTVGY

Negative.

Theodore, we have monies prepared to allocate toward the payment of a premier employee. The acquisition of the Liverpool portfolio has no doubt created angst in Boston. We have foreseen the need to offset that angst with such an employee. It is my understanding that he will bring quite the return in baseball and monetary production. An asset like Mr. Gonzalez would add worth to the Red Sox portfolio. The green light has been lit remotely from Liverpool, a city with wondrous cloud cover.

FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY

Signing Gonzalez would be great. I mean, we can even get ratings on Telemundo. But let's not forget about the hoax.

From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner

Hoax? No hoax. I'm telling San Diego the deal is on. We're flying in Gonzalez for a physical and negotiations on an extension. My phone will be off for most of Sunday. Don't do anything stupid.

FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY

Alright guys, now that grumpy-pants is gone let's build some drama here. It's Saturday and every media outlet in New England is slobbering all over this Adrian deal. We need to extend it to Monday. That football team is hogging the stage -- MY STAGE!

FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY

Easy there, uuhhh Tom. My team has leaked a uuhhh missive that negotiations have hit a uuhhh uuuhh roadblock. Fear mongering is our safest uuhhh bet. At 3pm a second uuuhh missive will inform the media we did not meet our uuhhh deadline.

FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY

Perfect! That will be our hoax: Adrian's not coming to Boston, sorry. Then when they've all but turned on us, we win them over again by acquiring him. I can't wait to have Beltre back. Wow, Larry. You really are an evil genius.

FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY

I just like to uuhhh expletive with Theo.

FM: RDSXWNR HNRYT: RDSXPRZ, RDSXTVGY

You fine gentlemen have done a bang-up job securing an increased market share for the Red Sox portfolio. My bride has gathered a few samplings of reaction to our ruse via my prefered form of communication, the Internet. What else is a bride good for, am I right?:

@MikeGiardi, @ElGuaposGhost, @Marc_Bertrand, @SI_JonHeyman

The fear has most definitely been mongered.

FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY

And now once Theo reaches his deal we'll look heroic, like we swooped in and defeated the evil agent and his contract demands. It's almost too easy. I hope the viewers don't catch on. It'll be like a good episode of CSI.

FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY

Let's take it a step uuhhh further. I'll leak that we uuhhh want to take him for a uuhhh proverbial test drive before we sign him to an extension.

FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY

This will drag out interest in our club even longer! "Will the Red Sox let the same thing happen with Adrian they let happen with the catcher they traded for, Pedro Martinez? No way they let another slugger walk as a free agent?"

From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner

Guys, what the hell is going on? I'm getting blasted all over the place for "low-balling" Gonzalez. It's like a tsunami of hate. I just got out of negotiations. We have a deal in place: 7 years, 170 million -- less than Teixeira. Why does the media think the deal is off?!

FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY

Because I uuhhh told them so. I am now leaking that the trade is uuhhh complete. But it's anyone's guess if we keep ARod past this uuhhh season.

From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner

Larry, it's not ARod. This is Adrian Gonzalez. .29831101 last season. He's seven years younger than ARod. You lost out on him a long time ago. Get over it.

FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY

Fair enough. But, Theo, it would be wise to not let slip a "we did it for the show" during Monday's press conference. Your life job depends on it.

From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner

I seriously hate you. All of you.

When word broke Sunday that Gonzalez would not be coming to Boston after all that attention, it was easy to picture that giant Jiffy Pop floating in the sky. Without Falcon captaining it.

After knee injury, Beleskey set to return for Bruins vs. Blackhawks

After knee injury, Beleskey set to return for Bruins vs. Blackhawks

BRIGHTON, Mass – The Bruins, looking for a spark after terrible, back-to-back losses to the New York Islanders and Detroit Red Wings, are hoping the return of Matt Beleskey from a knee injury can help provide the inspiration. 

The blue-collar left winger has missed the past 23 games with a torn MCL in his right knee suffered in early December against the Buffalo Sabres, but now he’s easing back into the lineup on the fourth line in Friday night’s showdown with the Chicago Blackhawks.

Beleskey was skating with Dominic Moore and Austin Czarnik on the fourth line at morning skate at Warrior Ice Arena and should be expected to throw a few hard hits and play with some intensity in his return.

“I’m ready to go and excited to get back out there,” said Beleskey, who has been skating with the team for roughly a week after giving the knee sufficient time to heal. “I’ve just got to keep it simple and do what I do well: Be hard on pucks, take the body and just try and find your groove. You don’t want to expect too much in your first game back, but you just want to be able to contribute.

“’I’ve been saving [the pent-up energy] for a while, so I’m ready to get back out there and hopefully provide a spark for us.”

The Beleskey return also provides the player with a bit of a reset button after a slow start to the season that saw him with two goals and five points along with a minus-6 rating in 24 games played for the Black and Gold prior to his injury. Here are the projected line combos and D-pairs against the Blackhawks based on morning skate today:

Marchand-Bergeron-Vatrano

Schaller-Krejci-Pastrnak

Spooner-Nash-Backes/Hayes

Beleskey/Blidh-Moore-Czarnik

 

Chara-Carlo

Krug-McQuaid

Morrow-Liles

 

Rask

Thomas on not getting All-Star start: 'It hurts but I’ll be all right’

Thomas on not getting All-Star start: 'It hurts but I’ll be all right’

WALTHAM, Mass. –  Isaiah Thomas stood before the media throng on Friday afternoon at the Celtics’ practice facility and answered all the questions with the usual truthful tone sprinkled with a bit of humor.
 
But you could sense that he was still bitter about the results announced by the NBA on Thursday as to who will be the starters in next month’s All-Star Game.
 
Cleveland’s LeBron James, Giannis Antetokounmpo of Milwaukee and Chicago’s Jimmy Butler were the frontcourt starters announced by the league. In the backcourt you will find Cleveland’s Kyrie Irving and Toronto’s DeMar DeRozan, who finished in a tie with Thomas in this first season in which fans, media and players all have a say in who will be the game’s starting five, as opposed to past seasons in which the starters were chosen strictly by fans.
 
DeRozan and Thomas finished in a tie under the voting system, but DeRozan moved ahead of Thomas due to a tie-breaker (fan vote), in which DeRozan had about 41,000 more votes than Thomas.
 
“It’s not the end of the world; it’s all good,” said Thomas. “I was disappointed, but those guys deserve it as well. I did everything I could in my control to put myself in position to be a starter. It’s not the end of the world.”
 
Especially knowing that the coaches will vote him on to the team for the second year in a row.
 
But for Thomas to be even in the conversation speaks to how the league’s new system of choosing All-Star starters, makes the whole choosing of starters about more than just a popularity contest, which is the irony of Thomas being left off the starting five – it ultimately came down to DeRozan receiving more votes from fans than Thomas.
 
“I didn’t really look at it. I didn’t look at what the reason was, but it is what it is,” Thomas said. “I’ll use it as motivation. I have to get better. That’s all I took out of that. I’m not where I want to be.”
 
Thomas finished fourth in fan voting for the starting nod, but was second among players and first among Eastern Conference guards among the media.
 
“I appreciate everybody who voted for me, especially you [media] guys,” Thomas said. “The media showed me some love and then my peers showed me love too.”
 
But as far as coming so close to being an All-Star starter and not making it, Thomas said, “It hurts but I’ll be alright. I’ll use it as motivation and keep going.”
 
Thomas is having a banner season that has elevated his name and game into the conversation for the league’s MVP award that so far is being led by Houston’s James Harden and Oklahoma City’s Russell Westbrook.
 
He averages 28.7 points per game, which is tops among Eastern Conference players and fourth overall. 

Among his more notable accomplishments this season, he scored a franchise-record 29 points in the fourth quarter of a win over Miami, and in the same game, wound up scoring a career-high 52 points.
 
Thomas isn’t the only NBA player who has had a season that most would believe would result in him being an All-Star starter.
 
“You look in the west, [Oklahoma City guard Russell Westbrook] averages a triple-double and he didn’t get in [to start],” Thomas said. “I guess…I’ll let everybody debate for me and argue for me. Those guys that made it who start, they deserved it.”