By Mary Paoletti
Have you heard? Leafs fans are throwing waffles onto the ice at the Air Canada Centre!
This is not a good thing.
No, as warm and delicious as waffles may be, having them hurled at your head is not as friendly a sign of affection as one might think. The following explanation comes from The Puck Doctors:
The Toronto Sun has identified a man, known as Jack M., as the culprit. Nicknamed the "Waffle Man," Jack vows to strike again if the Leafs continue to struggle on the ice.There were a few seconds left in another obviously lost Leafs game when the 27-year-old construction worker pulled out the soggy waffles he had stashed under his jersey and chucked them onto the ice of the Air Canada Centre on Thursday."They need to wake up and eat some breakfast," Jack, who asked not to be identified, said in a Saturday interview, hours ahead of the Leafs meeting with Montreal. "Im just trying to help them out with a balanced diet."The "diehard Leafs fan" said he didnt throw the waffles out of disrespect to the players, explaining, "I love them, but somebodys got to say something."
What better way to say, "Wake up!" to a professional athlete than to throw a box of Eggos at a him? My first thought was that the waffles were a symbol for the Leafs being deliberately ambiguous in their play. Wrong. My other thought went back to when Detroit Red Wings fans threw octopi on the ice in the 1952 playoffs to sympolize the number of playoff wins standing between the team and the Stanley Cup. Maybe the 41 or so little waffle cells (syrup traps) represent Toronto's projected losses for the season. Wrong again. Shows how creative I am.
This whole thing got me thinking, though. What would Bruins fans throw on the ice right now? Boston is 3-5 in in its last 8 games. The B's last outing produced a 3-0 shutout -- by the other team -- and many disgrunted Bruins fans. So what would these people throw if so inspired? Here are a few ideas.
This might anger DHS workers somehow... something about graphically violent images that would confuse younger fans... whatever... but it could make a strong point. You guys are babies. See? Here are a bunch of them raining down on your head to illustrate the point. If fans could find dolls named Sally that pee when pressed it would be an even stronger statement. FULL BEER CUPS I'm kidding! Clearly, kidding. How crazy do you think I am?
THE OPPONENTS FANS
This is a very 'Boston' choice. The Hub's sports fans love brawling, whether during a win over the Yankees or a loss to the Canadiens. Beyond all the blue collar psychology of it there's the simple fact that Boston is great at drinking beer and beer can bring out the nasty in a person. How satisfying would, instead of just punching that annoying Canadiens fan, picking up the guy and tossing him onto the ice? Not sure about what message it would send to the Bruins but it would probably relieve some angst.
As long as people are getting thrown, Favre is an easy choice. The message here is simple: Nobody likes Favre but if he injures one of you guys when hurled down there then we wouldn't be that mad. And that's a problem.
VARIOUS ANIMAL HEARTS
I'm not sure how easy or difficult animal organs are to procure but the effort would be worth it. The Bruins have been flat, completely lacking emotion or desperation. What they need is heart! Get it? I figured it would at least be easier than finding complete circulatory systems to toss.
SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS
This suggestion runs in the same vein (no pun intended) as the "good breakfast" idea. Boston must not be eating well before games. They should cabro-load. Best part of this plan is that the Bruins don't need to sweep the stuff away and trash it. They should use the shovels to feed the players. So somebody wrangle Favre (again with the puns) and start cooking... the Thrashers are in town tonight.