By Adam Hart
Somehow he was declared out Saturday, only to be re-declared not all that out on game day. He started, tossing a touchdown and a pick, before being knocked from the game. It was described as a head injury. This is a pretty boring paragraph.
Okay, here's two regular guys serving on the MNF crew with your pick of any network's regular play-by-play guys. I chose Mike. Perhaps they'll finally tell Brett Favre the truth.
Mike: And -- surprise, surprise -- Brett Favre will start tonight against the Bears. It's his first outdoor home game in three years, playing this kids' game in the frigid Minnesota night. He woke up today and said, "I'mma give it a go." Trust me, I heard it on the baby monitor.
Franky: He can't play in a dome, but he's fine for a cement field? His nerdy teammate tweeted it the other day: that's asking for a concussion.
Mike: . . . Just adding to his legend here tonight.
Favre throws a screen pass to Percy Harvin, who uses his speed and elusiveness to score a touchdown.
Mike: Oh, what a play! Brett Favre completes a 23-yard touchdown pass to Percy Harvin. Some thought the touchdown he threw on November 14th would be his last. We'll see about that.
Hal: Huh? It's definitely not his last touchdown pass. We just witnessed something that cancels it out. What is wrong with you?
Favre throws an intended screen pass that's deflected into the hands of Julius Peppers for an interception.
Mike: And Favre's pass is deflected into the hands of Julius Peppers!
Franky: Geez, and I thought throwing the ball with no feet on the ground was great mechanics.
Favre, wrestled to the ground by Corey Wootton, rests motionless on the field until a teammate tells him the cameras are focused on him -- the process begins. He slowly rises to the familiar arms of the Vikings training staff. Favre is knocked from the game with what is described as a head injury.
Mike: Oh no.
Hal: That didn't even look like a bad hit. He was spun to the ground.
Franky: Don't be surprised, Hal. He's 41, nothing but a bag o' bones.
Mike: A bag of magnificent bones.
Mike: In case you missed it earlier, Brett Favre was sacked by Corey Wootton. It may be the play that ends his career.
Hal: Probably should be. Guy's old as . . . trees.
Franky: Seriously, I don't even let my dad stack wood, never mind get crushed by 300-pound dudes. That's not innuendo, by the way.
Hal: He can't even get out of his own way. I just hope somebody is smart enough to stop him from trying to play ever again.
Mike: I wouldn't put anything past him.
Franky: Squints Now you're just spewing lines Favre's said himself. Ruffles through Mike's notes. Shock engulfs his face. These are ALL things Favre's said, directives he's written.
Mike: . . . Okay, that's enough. Thank you gentlemen for joining me.
Hal: Wait a minute. When you said during that commercial break, "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain" you weren't just showing your love for The Wizard of Oz? You were trying to keep this charade going.
Mike: Really, that's enough.
Franky: No. It's not enough. If your senile father almost burned down the house trying to make waffles, would you still allow him in the kitchen?
Mike: . . . No.
Franky: Then why aren't you telling Favre the truth? He's old. He's injured. He can't protect himself. He might be bad, but you're appeasing him. That might be worse.
Mike: I guess you're right.
Hal: So what are you going to do?
Mike: Stop describing Brett Favre as great.
Franky: And when are you going to do it?
Wish this were true and not totally fabricated. But not every wish can be realized as a Christmas miracle.