By Adam Hart
Phil Simms is guilty of a broadcasting pet peeve: turning a player's actions into a quoted statement.
Tom Brady throws a touchdown pass.
"Tom Brady says, 'Wait a minute, you're not stopping me today, Steelers Defense.'"
James Harrison violently sacks the quarterback.
"And James Harrison says, 'Wait a minute, I want you dead.'"
And so on.
Imagine, just for this post, if it was accepted practice for reporters to attribute quotes to athletes based solely on their actions. I promise, afterward you can go back to imagining yourself firing off wishes in one of those State Farm commercials. Sure, the one with the girl from 4E if you want.
JUPITER, Fla. (WGS) -- The St. Louis Cardinals made their best offer to Albert Pujols, and he said, "Nope. That's garbage. Get that out of my face."
Sources would not comment as to whether the Cardinals actually treated the offer like garbage.
Pujols, widely considered the most-feared batter in the National League, is set to become a free agent at the end of the season. St. Louis would like to continue negotiating with Pujols, who said, "Not-uh. I imposed a Wednesday deadline that wasn't met. Now go away; I don't want to talk to you no more."
The reported gap in negotiations centers on money, not years. The Cardinals are said to have offered 200 million total -- plus a possible ownership stake in the team -- to which he replied, "Can't accept that terrible deal. What's that, 25 million per year? Chump change per year's more like it."
". . . Psst. HELP ME. My agent and the MLBPA say if I accept anything less than 300 million over ten years, they won't be friends with me anymore. I really like having friends. HELP!"
The plea has done him no good, and he is reportedly cracking under the pressure of negotiating a deal on which the MLBPA is banking. Late Wednesday, Pujols said, "Oh yeah?! You're premature, Justin Bieber. How do you like them apples? Not very much I suspect."
Oh, wait. Turns out Pujols issued a statement and you can forget all those made up, mis-attributed quotes. But it was fun while it lasted.