Sheen keeps winning; LeBron tries losing

Sheen keeps winning; LeBron tries losing
March 2, 2011, 6:02 pm
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Goal: Adam Hart
Assisted by: Mary Paoletti, Charlie Sheen
CSNNE.com

Losing

The greatest publicity campaign in the history of sports. Thanks, Charlie Sheen.

Location: A well-lit conference room in Miami. Dim lighting is bad for one's eyes. LeBron James has assembled his team of yes-men for a strategical meeting concerning his public persona. Commence eavesdropping:

LeBron: This Charlie Sheen thing is getting out of control. Guy is everywhere. The news, radio, talk shows, twitter. How do we get this kind of exposure?

Erik Spoelstra: By copying his schtick! Just start saying "winning" about everything.

LeBron: Wrong again, Spo'. What's that make you, 0-for-342 on the season? Chuckles No, I'll be doing the exact opposite.
Chris Bosh: Flops out of his chair

LeBron: Amazing idea, I know, Chris. And you might want to stay down there, because I'm about to blow your mind.

Fancy ripple effect to signify a shift to LeBron's plan playing out.

Nancy Grace: Because we couldn't get Charlie Sheen on the show, we have the next best thing: LeBron James.

LeBron: Thank you, Nancy.
Nancy Grace: Mr. James, we've noticed a sudden change in your attitude. What gives?

LeBron: Right, Nancy. Look, for years people have shamed me into trying to be something I'm not -- a winner. I'm fed up. Winning isn't everything. Yeah, I said it. I'm losing. Everything.

Nancy Grace: Fake gasps, shakes head disapprovingly. Turns up Southern drawl Mr. James, I don't know what to...
LeBron: A simpleton like you can't grasp it. But I lose so hard it makes the Carolina Panthers jealous. I tried winning for the people, being a super-human winner. Not-uh. No fun. Losing -- not trying at all -- is where it's at.

Nancy Grace: Sir, I don't think your bosses will like thi...

LeBron: I love your negative attitude right now. You like losing, too?
Nancy Grace: I beg your pardon?

LeBron: I just assumed that you're a loser. All the signs are there. I only came here because I thought you were one of the chicks that Charlie Sheen had a threesome with.

Nancy Grace: You get the hell off my show!

LeBron: Stands up, bows I just lost the hell out of that interview! CHYEAH! That's how you DO it. I'd like to see Paul Pierce or Ray Allen try to lose like that.

Security escorts James to where Spoelstra, Bosh and D'Wade are waiting backstage

Spoelstra: So, how is that going to help the team?
LeBron: Erik, Erik, Erik. Philosophize with me for a second. Puts arm around coach This isn't going to help us at all. This whole thing is going to help ME get more attention. You feel me?

Spoelstra: I honestly... I just... I don't think I can do this anymore. Puts head in hands
Bosh: Flops around on floor like hooked fish

Wade: Get. Me. Outta here.

LeBron: Guffaws like Bill Cosby I loved that commercial. But you need to embrace losing, my man, really roll around in it.

Wade: Looks down at Bosh, who is still flopping No, I'm serious. We just lost to the Knicks... we've got Orlando, San Antonio and Chicago coming up. Get me OUT OF HERE.
Location: A satisfied LeBron sits in his giant mansion, clutching a tub of buttered popcorn. Lights dimmed, he turns on the news, expecting to see wall-to-wall coverage of his awesome publicity stunt.

News Anchor: Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi has issued a new threat. He says if the United States invades his country, thousands WILL die.

LeBron: Stands up OH, COME ON. WHA'DDA I GOTTA DO?!