A1: Welcome back to the Alphabet preview where it’s only Week 3 but the stakes are already high!
Nah, just kidding.
We’ll still have fun though.
Big Game: Cincinnati (2-0) at Baltimore (0-2)
Everyone’s freaking out about the Ravens and we’ll do the same later in this space — but what about the Bengals? Here they are with a chance to not only improve to 3-0 but also take a three-game lead on rival Baltimore only three games into the season. Then again, a loss drops the Bengals to 2-1, and then next week they have a tough game against the Chiefs, followed by a tougher game against the Seahawks, followed by an even tougher trip to Pittsburgh.
In that case 2-0 can become 2-4 mighty quickly, especially with Andy Dalton and Marvin Lewis steering the ship.
Conference Calls:
Jacksonville (1-1) at New England (2-0): The Jaguars ride high into New England — and the Pats think that’s just adorable.
Chicago (0-2) at Seattle (0-2): The Bears arrive at the Q to remind everyone in Seahawks Nation: “Hey, it could be worse!”
Atlanta (2-0) at Dallas (2-0): Not a good sign when it’s Week 3 and Jerry Jones is the healthiest guy on the Cowboys payroll.
Oakland (1-1) at Cleveland (1-1): I refuse to believe that one of these teams will start the season 2-1, so let’s just assume this ends in a tie.
Division Drama:
Buffalo (1-1) at Miami (1-1): The Bills won’t be talking much trash after what happened last Sunday. Meanwhile the Dolphins can’t talk ever again after losing last week to the Jaguars.
New Orleans (0-2) at Carolina (2-0): Given the state of the Saints they might prefer to play this one against a team of actual panthers. Put them right out of their misery.
Indianapolis (0-2) at Tennessee (1-1): In a last ditch effort to ruin Chuck Pagano, Ryan Grigson has named himself as the Colts new starting left tackle.
San Francisco (1-1) at Arizona (2-0): Anquan Boldin returns to his roots in Arizona with only one thing on his mind: “Oh my God, Larry!? I can’t believe you’re still here.”
Everyone Else: The rest of the rest.
Kansas City (1-1) at Green Bay (2-0): The Chiefs are one of only two NFL teams with an undefeated record at Lambeau. Well, at least until Monday night.
Denver (2-0) at Detroit (0-2): It’s a reunion for Peyton Manning and former coach Jim Caldwell. You can only imagine Peyton’s big smile and Caldwell’s blank, lifeless stare the first time their eyes meet.
Philadelphia (0-2) at New York Jets (2-0): The Jets have never beaten the Eagles. Ever. That’s pretty jarring at first but then you take a second and it’s like: “Oh right. They’re the Jets.”
Pittsburgh (1-1) at St. Louis (1-1): Le’veon Bell returns for the Steelers. The over/under on Antonio Brown receptions is set at 29.5
San Diego (1-1) at Minnesota (1-1): Have to go with the Vikings here because if there’s one thing Minnesota offensive coordinator Norv Turner knows how to do, it’s find ways for the Chargers to lose.
Tampa Bay (1-1) at Houston (0-2): This must be a culture shock for Vince Wilfork, who’s on the verge of his first career 0-3 start. On that note, this is already his first career 0-2 start. On that note, this year was only his second career 0-1 start. On that note, it turns out the Patriots have been pretty good over the last decade.
Forecast: They could be looking at some light rain this week in Miami (Bills/Dolphins), Baltimore (Bengals/Ravens) and Carolina (Saints/Panthers), and they’ll be thanking Jeebus for the roof and air conditioning in Arizona — where it might hit 100 degrees for kick off between the 49ers and Cardinals.
Goodell’s Corner: As always, your weekly note from Commissioner Roger Goodell:
Hey gang! It’s your old buddy Roger here — and I don’t know about you but I just hate this time of year. You know, when the season starts and on the field stuff like actual football steals the headlines, and all those people who spent so much time calling for my head and demanding that I be fired basically forget that I even exist. It’s a real bummer! :( That said I just want to take a second this afternoon and remind you of a few things about ME.
* I’ll make roughly $40M this year, which is more than the combined salaries of Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers.
* I dedicated my offseason to spreading lies and manipulating evidence in an attempt to the ruin the life and reputation of one of the greatest players my sport has ever seen.
* I still, to this day, refuse to admit that there’s a link between playing football and serious brain injuries. I have lied about and withheld information that could ruin players’ lives and their families’ lives and I really truly don’t care.
* I’m going to kidnap and eat your dog.
Well, that’s a wrap. Until next time — go Jaguars!
Hot Seat: Again it’s crazy for a coach to be on the hot seat only two games into the season — especially when that coach has won three playoff games in the past two years and is only a season removed from the AFC Championship. But crazy is the name of the game in Indianapolis and things are probably going to get worse before they get better. And if they get bad enough there’s no question that coach Pagano will pay the price. But who will replace him?
I don’t want to tell Ryan Grigson how to do his job, but what about Trent Richardson? Here’s currently unemployed so that won’t be a problem. And better yet this time the Colts won’t have to give up a first round pick.
Infirmary: Game-time decisions that could turn game day results.
Darrelle Revis (groin): You figure that Revis will play and play well. He could have his groin surgically removed and still pick off Sam Bradford a few times.
Eddie Lacy (ankle): Lacy hasn’t practice all week (as of Friday morning) and that will have to change if he’s going to play on Monday night against the Chiefs.
Drew Brees (shoulder): At this point why not try throwing left-handed for a few quarters? Couldn’t be much worse.
DeMarco Murray (hamstring): Do you know that Murray could run for zero yards on Sunday and his yards per game average would drop by less than two? In the words of Tom Brady’s good friend Donald Trump: “That’s very sad.”
Judgment Day: Teams with the most on the line this week:
AFC – Baltimore (0-2): This is all about the Ravens because if they finish this week at 0-3 that means that the Bengals will be 3-0 with a three-game edge in the division. Not only that but Baltimore follows Sunday’s game with a trip to Pittsburgh (on a short week!) for Thursday Night Football. After that they catch a break with 10 days to prepare for the Browns but then head west for back-to-back road games against the 49ers and Cardinals. The truth is that they’re in a ton of trouble either way but at least beating the Bengals would give them something to build on.
NFC – Philadelphia (0-2): Chip Kelly is the man NFL fans love to hate. Anyone is the man that Philadelphia football fans love to hate. This season couldn’t have started much worse for Kelly and the reality on top of the aesthetics of losing to the Jets on Sunday might cause an uprising. And you know who doesn’t mind? The Phillies.
Keeping the Faith: (The following is brought to you by the Church of NFL Fans For Uplifting News And Moral Justification)
You probably know that Matt Cassel was traded to Dallas this week for some insurance in case Brandon Weeden can’t carry the load. But what you might not know — and what I didn’t before finding this story — is that playing for the Cowboys was Cassel’s childhood dream.
“My father grew up in West Texas, in Lubbock, and I've got family here,” Cassel said this week. “I grew up a Dallas Cowboy fan all my life. So to actually have it come true finally and actually be here is a dream come true, and I'm really excited about it.”
Pretty cool. Best of luck, Matt.
Life of Hochuli: It’s sunrise on Sunday morning and Ed Hochuli stands in the middle of the Research Triangle, methodically stroking his muscular jaw.
Hochuli: OK, boys. Saints/Panthers kicks off at one, so we only have time for one stop this morning. Whaddaya think?
Hochuli (in a high-pitched voice, flexing his right bicep): “Chapel Hill, papa! You know I love dem ‘Heels!”
Hochuli (in a deep voice, flexing his left bicep): Hell naw! Let’s do Durham, daddy! I’m a Dukie ‘til I die!
Hochuli (in a high-pitched voice): Oh shut up, you didn’t even like Duke until Laettner got there!
Hochuli (in a deep voice): Dude that was almost 30 years ago — and I wouldn’t talk! You only like North Carolina because you had a crush on Dante Calabria!
Hochuli: Woah. WOAH! Now that is QUITE enough from you two. And since you can’t decide, I will: We’re on to Raleigh! Wolfpack, baby!
Hochuli (flexing both biceps at once): Aw, daaaaaad!
Milestones: Last week Tom Brady and Drew Brees were in a race for 400 career touchdowns, and this week they’re still chasing it. Brady needs one against the Jags. Brees needs two at Carolina. In the meantime here’s another race to keep an eye on.
The Broncos’ DeMarcus Ware takes the field in Detroit with 128 career sacks. The Packers’ Julius Peppers takes the field on Monday night against the Chiefs with 128 career sacks. The first to reach 130 will be only the 13th player in NFL history to get there.
Numbers Game: Since the NFL playoff field expanded in 1990, 124 teams have started 0-3 and exactly three have gone on to the playoffs. That’s 2.4 percent. That’s a minor miracle. And that’s kind of ironic because the last 0-3 team to make the playoffs was the 1998 Buffalo Bills, who were quarterbacked by the miracle man himself — Doug Flutie.
Only the Lonely: Here’s where we track and speculate on who will be the last winless team in the NFL this year — and here’s where I made an absolute fool out of myself last week. How bad was it? Well, last week I listed the five teams I thought were most likely to go the longest without a win, and those teams (Cleveland, Tampa, Oakland, Washington and Jacksonville) went 5-0 in Week 2. 5-0!
Even more incredible is that there are now only eight winless teams (Baltimore, Indianapolis, Houston, Chicago, Detroit, Philly, Seattle and New Orleans) and among them six finished with a winning record last year, five won 10 or more games and four made the playoffs. That’s NFL parity for you. Or maybe it’s just small sample size? Whatever it is here’s an updated list with the top three winless contenders — from weakest to strongest:
3) Baltimore: Week 5 against the Browns looks like their next best chance, and if it doesn’t come then it won’t come until maybe Week 8 against the Chargers or Week 10 against the Jaguars.
2) New Orleans: They’ll most likely lose in Carolina on Sunday, but then they host the Cowboys in Week 4, and depending on the Brandon Weeden situation that could be a prime opportunity to get on the board. Then again, there’s also the Drew Brees situation. If he’s out for any extended period of time and Luke McCown takes the reigns, the Saints could be searching for a while.
1) Chicago: They’re going to lose on Sunday in Seattle. Then they host the Raiders in Week 4, and that looks like the Bears best chance. But then again with Jimmy Clausen at the helm and Alshon Jeffrey still not right, there’s no guarantee. In that case, if the Bears do start 0-4, their schedule goes — at Kansas City Chiefs, at Detroit, vs. Minnesota, at San Diego, at St. Louis, vs. Denver and at Green Bay. Suddenly it’s Thanksgiving, and do the Bears have a win yet?
(Editor’s Note: Congrats to the Ravens, Saints and Bears on their impending Week 3 victories.)
Patriots Place™: Three quick predictions for Sunday at Gillette —
1) The Pats will beat the Jaguars 42-17.
2) Tom Brady will throw for 375 yards, five touchdowns and no interceptions.
3) Brady will lose out on AFC Player of the Week honors to Peyton Manning — who will throw for 250 yards and three scores in a 31-28 win over the Lions.
Quiz Show: While DeMarcus Ware and Julius Peppers race to become the 13th player in NFL history with 130 career sacks, can you name the 12 who are already there?
****
1. Bruce Smith (200)
2. Reggie White (198)
3. Kevin Greene (160)
4. Chris Doleman (150.5)
5. Michael Strahan (141.5)
6. Jason Taylor (139.5)
7. Richard Dent (137.5); John Randle (137.5)
9. Jared Allen (134)
10. John Abraham (133.5)
11. Lawrence Taylor (132.5); Leslie O'Neal (132.5)
Reunion: The Chargers visit Minnesota on Sunday for the first time since November 4, 2007. The Vikings won that game 35-17, but more importantly Adrian Peterson set an NFL record with 296 rushing yards.
Of course Norv Turner was the head coach of the Chargers that day, and now he’s the Vikings offensive coordinator. Asked this week if he’ll look to utilize Adrian Peterson in a similar fashion on Sunday, Turner looked puzzled and replied: “Who’s Adrian Peterson?”
Survivor: Last week a nation of survivor pools were struck by the bubonic plague, so if you’re still alive you most likely took the Steelers over the 49ers or less likely the Panthers over the Texans or the Pats over the Bills — but at any rate, congrats. You’re a genius. You’re the envy of your friends and probably in a decent position to win a large chunk of money. Now there’s only one question: Can I have some?
OK but for real, your reward this week is the choice between a pair of gimmes: Seahawks over Bear or Pats over Jaguars.
If forced to choose I’ll take the Seahawks because there’s no way they’re falling to 0-3 — at home — at the hands of Jimmy Clausen. Plus there will be more than a few opportunities to roll with the Pats down the road, and at this point it’s hard to say that about Seattle.
Trash Talk: The Bucs are in Houston this week, which must be exciting for Jameis Winston. That’s because after the draft back in April, he was asked about some of things he was looking forward to most in the NFL: “The player I'm most looking forward to play against has to be, probably J.J. Watt,” Winston said. “It's going to be a fun matchup.”
Yes. Very fun. It’s nice to see that kind of confidence and bravado in a rookie. And no doubt his offensive line appreciates the sentiment.
Asked this week about Winston’s trash talk, Tampa right tackle Gosder Cherilus said: “I wish he didn't say that.”
Upset of the Week: The UotDUBS debuted with a win last week when the Falcons beat the Giants, and this week we’re going with another NFC team, but the win will come over an AFC team. In this case we’re talking about the Rams over the Steelers and here’s why. For one, the Rams are always dangerous at home. For two, they’ll be playing with an extra chip on their proverbial shoulder after that horrific performance in Washington. And finally, while the Steelers are better in the long term with Le’Veon Bell back in the mix, it might take a game to re-adjust to his presence.
Vegas Values: The Alphabet went oh-for-three on Vegas Values last week but came so close to a big payday. We had 10-1 odds on Scott Chandler catching a touchdown in a Patriots win, and that barely slipped through his fingers (twice!). We also had 4.5-1 odds on Antonio Brown making 10 or more catches — and he had nine. The third bet was 6-1 on Ryan Fitzpatrick throwing three or more interceptions on Monday night but whatever, you can’t win them all. You can however lose them all. Anyway the alphabet is undeterred and back with two more value prop bets this week.
Sammy Watkins goes for 150+ receiving yards (+2000): Watkins was shut out on three targets in Week 1 and then broke out a little against the Pats with six catches on eight targets. With two games under his belt with Tyrod Taylor, Watkins is ready to explode and the Dolphins allowed a 150-yard receiver just last week. Of course 150 is no easy feat but for 20-1 odds it’s worth the risk.
Brandon Weeden throws more than 2.5 interception (+700): You’d think that the Cowboys might try to protect Weeden and play it safe with a more run-centric attack — but then you remember that the Cowboys don’t really have a running attack and will probably end up in shootout against Matty Ice and Julio.
Worst of the Week: I don’t want to call the Raiders/Browns game the Worst of the Week because the match-up is kind of endearing. With that said there’s no question that these are the two worst franchises in the NFL and this week ESPN’s Pat McManamon dove deep into the duel disaster.
Here are a few highlights:
Neither the Raiders nor the Browns have made the playoffs since 2002, and since then they’ve compiled a combined record of 121-267, which is a .311 winning percentage. Over that time they’ve also combined for one winning season, 20 seasons with 10 or more losses, 29 starting quarterbacks and 15 head coaches.
Now if you’ll please take a second and gather round, and join hands, and close your eyes and give thanks for Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.
Amen.
X Marks The Controversy: Bad news, Patriots fans: An NFL source told the Boomer and Carton radio show that there’s “no doubt” Brady will serve his suspension this year.
Good news, Patriots fans: That source is actually an alcoholic baboon who works as a part time janitor at NFL HQ — so his opinion carries very little weight.
Bad news, Patriots fans: That alcoholic baboon janitor is actually in line to succeed Roger Goodell as commissioner.
Good news, Patriots fan: That qualifies as an upgrade.
Yesterday’s News: The New York Giants began this season in the worst way possible, with a literally inexplicable division loss to the Cowboys followed by a meager defeat in their home opener against the Falcons. Today, between the Cowboys injuries, the Eagles miseries and last night’s beat down of the Skins, those same New York Giants just might be NFC East favorites.
Zee End: That’s it. Enjoy the games.
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