By Adam Hart
The internet is flooding with allegations Rex Ryan and his wife, whom Rex once compared to Tom Brady's bride, produce foot fetish videos. But the big guy only had this to say Wednesday:
"I know you need to ask, it's a personal matter."
What in the what? That's not the Rex Ryan we know and like as a friend. There's no need to be coy. Be yourself; make a joke out of the whole thing.
Until he gets his plan of attack figured out, here's a bevy of situations creating a conflict of interests for Rex. Actually, it's more a merger of interests:
Ed Hoculi: The Jets player was stopped short of the first down. There is no penalty on the play, but I figured it appropriate to explain the Jets need a foot to move the chains. Does this. Repeat: the Jets need a foot.
RR: That's EXACTLY what we need.
Team Statistician: Coach, you do know there's three feet in a yard, right?
RR: Expletive right I do.
Mike Westhoff: Look, we've got the Bears this week. They might try that surprise onside kick crap, so everybody be on your toes!
RR: All ten of your beautiful toes.
Jim Nantz: And Santonio Holmes is out with a foot.
RR: Wish I was out with a foot right now. Heck, who am I kidding. One foot won't cut it anymore -- I need two.
Woody Johnson: Still can't believe I'm footing the bill for that sexual harassment training. Should've just denied, denied some more and pawned it on Belichick.
RR: You're doing what to the bill?!
(O-Coord.) Bill Callahan: Coach, remember when you said we'd win the Super Bowl? Well, the Patriots have taken over the top spot in the AFC East.
RR: Are you saying there's a mutiny afoot? . . . Please say there's a mutiny afoot.
Mark Sanchez: Hey, Coach. Just bought a new car. It's one of those hybrids.
RR: Ha! Nice move, Nacho. Pretty soon they'll be selling those Flintstones cars again. You know, the ones they power with their big, neanderthal feet. Actually . . .
Training Staff: Tomlinson has a slight case of turf toe.
RR: Ooo, I like the sound of that. . . . Wait, what's turf toe?
Mark Sanchez: Coach, I watched this great movie this weekend, Happy Feet.
RR: Not what you thought it'd be, right?
Mark Sanchez: . . . Uh, not sure what you mean. It was really good, fun for the whole family.
Team Equipment Manager: Coach, we're traveling to Soldier Field this week. They've got shaky turf, so I'll be advising players on their spikes. Got to have good footing.
RR: I'm all about good footing. All day every day.
Braylon Edwards: For the team flight, we were thinking of switching it up a bit. We want to watch Footloose instead of 300.
RR: I'm listening. . .
Reporter: Coach, any word on new sponsorship deals with with golf product supplier FootJoy and athlete's foot medication Tinactin.
RR: Can't comment. But I'll say the Jets organization would be proud to be associated with companies doing great work in the field of foot pleasure.
That's more like it.