Somebody stole Evan Longoria's AK-47.
The appropriate response to such news is not, "Why?" but, "Why does Eva have an assault rifle?" Because I believe my sole purpose in life is helping people, I decided to think of possible reasons. Unfortunately, I only had one minute left before I'm supposed to leave for work so it's a short list. No point in over-thinking something like this.
WHY DOES THE THIRD BASEMAN FOR THE TAMPA BAY RAYS NEED AN AK-47?
2. Mowing (down) the lawn
4. Ran out of things to spend money on
5. Everybody else has one
6. Matt Garza's facial hair no longer around to protect him