Randy Moss is ruining everything


Randy Moss is ruining everything

By Adam Hart

Randy Moss was right: his time in New England was magical. In 2007, the Patriots found the Holy Grail of passing productivity.

But his recent departure has brought great trouble upon our land. If only we heeded that line from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Water? No thank you, sir. Fish make love in it.

Wait, sorry. Wrong quote.

The Grail cannot pass beyond the Great Seal. For that is the boundary, and the price, of immortality. Thats more like it. Then that morally-questionable Austrian lady brings the Grail past the seal and the earth opens up something fierce. She dies. Indiana Jones lives. But he comes back and makes a terrible movie about the X-Files.

Just as in the film, awful, mostly-unspeakable things have occurred since Moss left, passing the Great Seal that is New England's western border. Make no mistake, all the devastation is directly related to Randy Moss, his departure and his essence. Luckily, these awful, mostly-unspeakable things are entirely typeable:

Oct. 6 - Randy Moss traded to Minnesota for a 3rd round pick. Recent New England 3rd rounders: Taylor Price, hasnt played; Tyrone McKenzie, in Tampa; Kevin OConnell, gone; Shawn Crable, barely playing finally starting to make an impact; David Thomas, winning a Super Bowl in New Orleans. Yeah, you see how its bad.

Oct. 7 - Deadspin.com releases voicemails and explicit images which allegedly originated with Brett Favre, Moss new quarterback. Turmoil ensues. Minnesota goes 1-3 before Moss is waived. Most devastating: insufferable Favre talk -- both sexting and non-sexting related -- consumes the sports media world for weeks to come.

Oct. 15 - Teen whatever-he-is Justin Bieber acts like hes not Canadian and disses Moss friend, Tommy Boy, in a rap. Also, I am forced to end my holdout on learning how to spell Bieber.

Oct. 26 - Celtics relieve themselves on the Miami Heats coronation, 88-80, giving Cleveland proof their curses are effective. An increase in practicing witchcraft is a bad thing, especially in Cleveland. Wonder how the Patriots looked feeble against the Browns? Curses, thats how. Im looking at you, Brian Daboll.

Oct. 28 - Randy Moss insults a caterers food. Thats the extent of the harm.

Oct. 30 - I go to a Halloween party dressed as Twitter. Only a few people understand the costume. No one told me it was an Amish party.

Nov. 2 - Randy Moss is waived by Minnesota, but Chillys reign of monotonous terror drones on and on -- soap-opera style.

Nov. 3 - The carnage ramps up when Rent Is Too Damn High Party candidate Jimmy McMillan loses New Yorks gubernatorial race. Rent remains too damn high. As a karate expert, I think this path of destruction is getting a little out of hand.

Nov. 7 - Patriots kicker Stephen Gostkowski tears his quad, ultimately landing him on the season-ending IR. As if thats not enough, a domino-effect problem arrives in New England three days later.

Nov. 7 - Patriots lose mightily to the Cleveland Browns. Eric Manginis packed-lip smirk is immediately engraved in New Englands memory. Somebody get that man a spittoon. And a speech therapist.

Nov. 8 - Find out through Facebook an ex-girlfriend is engaged. Not to me. Cancel her from my newsfeed out of spite. That'll show her.

Nov. 9 - Felger and Holley gang up on Chris Gasper over -- what else? -- the Patriots' offense without Randy Moss. Felger feeds off Moss bashing. He grows more powerful by the hour.

Nov. 10 - Those people stuck on the cruise ship voice their complaints about being without -- gasp! -- air conditioning and hot showers. Death toll is still being figured, but it expects to be in the zeros. Sadness toll, though, is approaching 100 percent. This whining is annoying. Like, look on the bright side: at least youre only held hostage by your boredom, not Somali pirates.

Nov. 12 - Skyline is released in theatres. Skyline.

Nov. 13 - Economies in New England and Minnesota are in disrepair directly resulting from the lack of Moss jersey sales now that he's playing elsewhere. His is a profit not unlike Bernie Madoff's, except that it is totally unlike it.

Nov. 14 - Steelers fans break out the Terrible Towels. No wonder those pieces of fabric are so scary; theyre like the size of a handtowel. Hows anybody going to get dry with one of those? Plus, they do nothing to stop Tom Brady from extending his lease on the Steelers.

Nov. 14 - The Tennessee Titans lose a game in which Moss collects just one reception, opening him to further criticism. Felger's power is reaching unsafe levels.

Told you there was a lot of horrible stuff going on. How many of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is that?