By Mary Paoletti
CSNNE.com
I was on Twitter this morning (because I fear that if I sever the umbilical cord with Twitter.com I'll melt and die like the wrong-choice knights in The Last Crusade) when I saw this hashtag: papsleavebiebsalone
Curious.
I've been on a Columbo kick lately and so decided to investigate passive-aggressively.
"Biebs" is easy: Justin Bieber, pop sensation and blight upon my sensibilities.
"Leave Biebs alone": Another easy one. Some responsible citizen must be taunting the little turd. Excellent.
And then there is "Paps."
My first thought as a Boston resident is 'Papelbon.' Could Jon Papelbon be harassing Justin Bieber?
It's possible; Paps is a talker. And he's not always respectful with his words. So I suppose the Paps of Red Sox renown could be the guy.
There's just one more thing: why bother with Bieber?
Paps has other things to worry about, like the team's current 2-8 record, his own 3.0 ERA (an improvement from 9.0), being dumb. Stuff like that.
Possible theories:
1. Papelbon is secretly in love with Tom Brady and so hates Biebs.
2. Making fun of Bieber is fun and easy, and it makes a pass pitcher feel better about himself.
3. Bieber started it.
4. I've got the wrong "Paps."
I don't actually care to find out if it's somebody else. Lucky for this passive-aggressive detective, a simple click on the cheerupjustin hashtag revealed the answer.
Paps is Pretentious People-speak for 'Paparazzi' --> The paparazzi needs to leave Biebs alone.
It was my own brain that tricked me into thinking that this is a sports related story when it is, in fact, just about a spoiled brat who dreamed of fame is now complaining about fame. Or something.
There are a couple of loose ends I'd like to tie up. Nothing important, you understand.
1. Something should be done about the cult of gibberish-speaking weirdos who want Bieber to cheer up. Who gave them computers? That was a dangerous move. Who knows what kind of chaos they can create with access to the internet. Let's squash them now before they breed.
2. We should all also be horrified about the fact that 20 Biebs-tweets roll in every 30 seconds. I've never wanted anybody to cheer up so badly in my life. Not even Jesus.
@itzcallum I don't know who you are, Callum Thomas, is but you're very hilarious inappropriate.
@helenaMag10: I'm really freaked out that there are people out there who expect me to fall down and hurt myself. That's mean and doesn't make sense.
Oh, well. Case closed.