By Jon Fucile
Things are not going well in Miamis sports world. The Heat couldnt handle the Mavericks. Nobody gives a crap about the Panthers even though they just signed a slew of has-been and never-was players. Now even the Dolphins are suffering.
Despite having roughly 72 celebrity owners, season ticket sales are way down. According the Miami Herald, season ticket sales are the worst they have been in 28 years. The Miami Herald reports the Dolphins had 61,000 season ticket holders in 2006 and 51,000 last year, but this year they barely have 40,000.
As a result, each one of their D-list owners has started offering a bunch of zany promotions in an attempt to get more sales.
Talentless singer, terrible actress and overrated looker Jennifer Lopez has promised that the next one hundred people to purchase season tickets can be extras in her next movie.
This would have worked better if Lopez said she was going to force people to be in her movies if they didnt buy season tickets. Fear is a powerful motivator.
Remember Fergie from the Blacked Eyed Peas? Yeah, neither do we. How fast did her career die? In response, she decided to go to the place where young quarterbacks chances die and she bought a piece of the Dolphins. She has promised a spot as a back up dancer in her next annoying music video to anyone and everyone who buys season tickets!
If she promises to keep her clothes on for the rest of her life and hide that Skeletor face under a paper bag well buy season tickets to the Dolphins right now.
Gloria Estefan not only writes incredibly terrible songs but she also loves to own a part of terrible teams like the Dolphins. She had the right idea, however. She threatened to throw a free concert every day until all Dolphins season tickets were sold out.
The horrified and terrified residents of Miami quickly started scooping up tickets after just the first day because the one thing more painful than watching the Dolphins is listening to Gloria Estefan.
Following Glorias lead, Miami Dolphins part owner and tennis star Serena Williams threatened to pummel any current season ticket holders who did not renew.
Maybe she should threaten the Miami scouts to not be so awful or shell pummel them.
Miami is just ridiculous. They are the NFLs version of the Montreal Canadiens. They are still living off the past, harking back to their undefeated season in the 70s that most of their current fan base was not even alive for. They keep drafting quarterbacks but refusing to properly develop them while also refusing to obtain a reliable veteran quarterback who actually knows how to play football.
Miamis ownership group is proving once again that it is quality, not quantity, which you need to be successful. Even Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder can see that no one is showing up because fans have absolutely zero faith that this franchise wants to win or knows how to build a winner.
Even they can see that this team stands no chance until they get a competent quarterback and even they can see that letting marginal stars or stars that havent been popular since the early 90s is not exactly making fans rush to games. Youre awful, Miami.