Lackey for manager!

Lackey for manager!
September 30, 2011, 2:13 pm
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By Adam Hart

Terry Francona is leaving his managerial post with the Red Sox.

There's no time to mourn; the search for a new manager must begin. And they don't even have to look too far.

John Lackey.

Seriously. Hear me out:

The Red Sox will transfer Lackey's contract in its entirety to a managerial contract -- 15.25M per year through 2014 -- with the provision he never throws another pitch. Not even in BP. He'll keep his press conferences short on words and heavy on breathing. More in-depth answers will be available to the media via text message.

Manager Lackey promises to keep intact the clubhouse culture he helped cultivate. He may even use a six-man rotation, which will coincide with the marketing department's Six Packs For Six Man Budweiser advertising campaign.

The pitching staff will appreciate it. Not just the off-day, in-game drinking part, but the fact their manager will always blame the fielders, the wind, the crowd, the grass -- everything -- for poor performances. Oh, what am I saying? There are no poor performances! Everyone battles and has good stuff, for sure.

Red Sox Nation will soon grow fond of the annual spring training St. Patrick's Day game. During the 7th-inning stretch, Manager Lackey will serenade the crowd with a rendition of It's Not Easy Being Green.

He may not have been glorified for throwing pitches at Fenway. But he'll go down in history as the best brick-throwing manager in Red Sox history -- Fenway Park 100th Anniversary Bricks!

For sure.