The Inept Axis is plotting

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The Inept Axis is plotting

By Adam Hart
CSNNE.com

Location: A secret underground lair in the outskirts of Indianapolis. Eleven men sit, gathered around an oblong table in a surprisingly well-lit room; it being underground and all. Come to think of it, a work order for new LED lights was filed last -- shhhhh, they're starting.

Bill Polian: Gentlemen, you all know why we're here: the Patri-oughts. They've beaten us, beaten us real bad. For some, it only inflicted minor damage. Others suffered catastrophic derailments.

Marv Lewis: Tell me about it. Twelve games later and we've only got two wins. TOcho doesn't deserve this.

Mike Tomlin: What TOcho doesn't deserve is Carson Palmer. He's about as accurate as the NFL investigation into my boy Big Ben's social outings. Am I right?
Crickets: This noise, unimpeded.

Rex Ryan: So what d'ya propose we do there old BPol?

Bill Polian: It's Bill.

Brad Childress: I say we exact cold, calculated revenge.

Ozzie Newsome: Sounds like a good idea.

Brad Childress: Seriously? You mean you guys are willing to actually listen to me?

Tony Sparano: Who wouldn't listen to you? You wear glasses. They're like ear magnets.

Chan Gailey: Wanna hear something crazy? With my glasses on, I kind of look like Steve Nicol, the New England Patriots' soccer coach.

Rex Ryan: That's some great insight there Channy. Remind me to call you next time I'm having trouble falling asleep.

Jim Schwartz: Wait, maybe he's on to something. He can probably waltz right into their offices, if he knows how to dance a waltz. And if he can pick up an English accent.
Chan Gailey: Well, I have been watching a lot of Michael Caine movies lately during our team film sessions. Maybe that'd help.

Bill Polian: But we can't stop there. These Patri-oughts -- that's how you say it, right? -- are primed to go on another of their Super Bowl runs if we don't stop them. For some reason fans value those silver trophies over regular-season greatness. I blame the media and it's love for shiny things.

Mike Martz: We'd all be fine if the NFL would just force all teams to move into domed stadiums. Everything would fall into place for us.

Brad Childress: Yeah, except for when that Wrangler-wearing, no-good Brett Favre isn't standing where he's supposed to when the roof collapses.

Ozzie Newsome: Umm, what?

Brad Childress: Nothing.

Mike Martz: I just can't believe the league is actually allowing a Super Bowl to be played in New Jersey -- far from tropical temperatures and wind-free domes.

Rex Ryan: Super Bowl? The Jets are going there!

Tony Sparano: . . . Right. You'll be tending to your pigskin graveyard.

Philip Rivers: Well, what if our only problem is having an inept coach? I think firing Norv would solve this problem pretty quickly.

Everyone else: No!

Rex Ryan: Hey, Phil, why don't you and your angry eyebrows hit the road? But if you decide to come back to apologize for bringing up the 'F' word, grab me a Chalupa or something . . . Ah, what the hell. Make it two.

Mike Tomlin: Can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm with Rex. Let's grab some gosh-darn lunch.

Jim Schwartz: Yeah, I'm happy with our progress.

Tony Sparano: Lunch it is.

Mike Martz: I don't know about this guys. My regular lunch time is 12:15. I have problems adjusting to pretty much everything.

Rex Ryan: Bet you even have a hard time adjusting yourself. Hehe.

Bill Polian: Ahem. Then we're agreed: we'll do something in the near to future to stop the Patri-oughts.
Brad Childress: Ok. But once we settle on a plan, no audibles. I can't take any more audibles.

Meanwhile...
Location: Gillette Stadium.

Bill Belichick: Alright guys. It's on to the Packers. We've got a big week ahead of us. They're great on offense, defense, special teams. Let's get to work.

Brad Stevens podcast: 'Only goal around here is a championship'

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Brad Stevens podcast: 'Only goal around here is a championship'

Mike Gorman and Brian Scalabrine talk with Boston Celtics Head Coach Brad Stevens at Celtics Media Day about raised expectations for the upcoming season, how Al Horford will fit, can Isaiah Thomas build off an All-Star season, and how high are his goals. 

Plus, Kyle Draper and A. Sherrod Blakely discuss whether or not some critiscism could come Stevens' way if the Celtics doesn't perform well in the playoffs.

MORE PODCAST Isaiah Thomas: ‘Just getting to the playoffs in Boston isn’t good enough’

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