Hansbrough the perpetrator

Hansbrough the perpetrator
March 17, 2011, 9:06 pm
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By Adam Hart

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Celtics fan: This guy I know, he was really mean.

Operator: How was he mean, sir?

Celtics fan: Um, he assaulted this other guy I know.

Operator: Where did this happen, sir?

Celtics fan: At the TD Garden.

Operator: Is the victim badly hurt?

Celtics fan: His feelings, yes.

Operator: Sir, you can't call 911 to report hurt feelings.


Operator: Sigh. Explain the situation for me, please.

Celtics fan: Deep breath. OK, so it was late in the game and the Celtics were gonna win easy but Tyler Hansbureau drove the lane all mean and made a MONSTER dunk on Delonte West but it was Delonte's first game back from an ankle injury so it wasn't all that nice to ruin his return. Was it?

Operator: . . .

Celtics fan: I mean, it's not as bad as what Dwyane Wade did to Perk, but I'm sure you guys are already on top of that one.

Operator: . . .

Celtics fan: So what is the punishment for dunking on someone while having a mean face?

Operator: Sir, this is the police. We don't handle offenses on the playing field or, in this case, court.

Celtics fan: I see. Do you have the number for Montreal's 911?

Operator: Wait a minute. Are you also a Bruins or Habs fan?

Celtics fan: Habs, oui.

Operator hangs up.