By Mary Paoletti
Florida ended BYU's We're-Not-Actually-A-Cinderella run last night with an 83-74 overtime win. When rooting around for post-game stuff, I found a pre-game piece from the Orlando Sentinel. The story included this:
"Sweet 16 question of the day: How many players would the Florida Gators, BYU's opponent tonight, have eligible if UF forbade sexual relations?"
Interesting. Interesting in a way that makes no sense.
Kids who go to BYU know about the whole 'Mormons and no premarital sex' thing.
Kids who go to Florida know that there is no 'Mormons and no premarital sex' thing.
Kids who have sex before marriage at Florida might fear their Mamas' shame, venereal disease and other stuff, but they don't have to worry about appearing before an Honor Code Office.
Kids at BYU who have sex before marriage at BYU have to fear their Mamas' shame, STDs, and institutional discipline.
If the Gators also weren't allowed to get horizontal, they 'wouldn't' just like the BYU kids 'don't.' So the number of eligible players would be, in theory, the same as BYU's number: All but one.
But the Gators ARE allowed to get horizontal.
Let's assume, for the sake of reality, that all of them then do. If the team suddenly had the BYU Honor Code slapped on them for the Sweet 16, zero would be eligible.
BUT they went in to the Sweet 16 not knowing about the brand new eligibility rule, so there was no reason NOT to get horizontal and therefore the eligibility standards wouldn't be valid.
See what I mean? BYU players have a practical reason to not get busy. Gators -- beyond moral crisis (lolz) --do not. You cannot compare the two.
Since there's no logical way to make sense of it the question that was essentially asked at the press conference was, "How many of your players, Billy Donovan, are currently hitting the business?"
And that's just weird. As well as nobody's business.
Donovan handled it well. He did have other options, though.
Reporter: How many players on your roster are currently making whoopie?
Donovan: Im not entertaining nor addressing nobodies.
Reporter: My name is Mike. Can you clarify your comment?
Donovan: Winks Next question.
Reporter: How many players on your roster are currently taking rolls in the hay?
Donovan: I already answered that.
Reporter: What? No you didn't.
Donovan: I said already answered that. Shut up or I'll punch you in your face.
Reporter: How many players on your roster are currently knocking boots?
Donovan: I don't know, but if any do it's just a bad mistake. Just a bad mistake.
Reporter: A bad mistake in the decision or a bad mistake in execution?
Donovan: It was a bad mistake. I just said that.
Reporter: How many players on your roster are currently bumping uglies?
Donovan: Thinks hard Fourteen. No, wait, thirteen. Maybe it is fourteen....
Reporter: Can you give names?
Donovan: Ask your Mama.
Donovan: Get outta' here, you weirdo.