By Mary Paoletti
No Bill Belichick press conference at Gillette today.
It's not really weird that the schedule got screwed up, what with Week 13's game being on Monday and all. But this is PatriotsJets week. We need to feed an especially hungry beast.
Because of how huge a game this is for both 9-2 teams, WGS is holding a special press conference to make up for this afternoon will lack. Coaches Belichick and Ryan have agreed to answer our questions a little differently though. They're going to swap roles in the style of Tanguay and Felger's "FACEOFF."
WGS QUESTION: Coach "Belichick", how would you say the Jets look going into Monday night's game?
RYAN as BELICHICK: They're a real good team. Have been since we first saw them. Good in all phases of the game. The Jets can run, throw, kick and play defense.
(Hey! How'm I doin? Do I sound like Bill or what? This is harder than I thought! Having no personality is a expletive art! Holy expletive!)
WGS: Doing great.
WGS QUESTION to BELICHICK as RYAN:
How about you, coach? How different are the Patriots since you last played them?
BELICHICK as RYAN: I don't get this. You want me to pretend I'm Rex Ryan? I'm trying to prepare my team for a football game. If I say I'm hungry will you guys back off?
WGS: C'mon, Bill. Play along.
BELICHICK: What'd you say to me?
WGS: Covers head ...please?
RYAN: Yeah, Bill! Play along! Tell 'em you just want to kick some Patriots ass! 'Cause that's what my boys are gonna do: kick ass! With all due respect to you Bill, a'course. Guffaws
WGS QUESTION: Can you talk a little bit about what getting Danny Woodhead from the Jets has done for your team?
RYAN as BELICHICK: Well we had our eye on him since he was in college...
Guffaws again Oh, Lord, I can't get that expletive out with a straight face! I don't know how you do it, Bill. Lemme try again. Sobers up.
Danny's done a really good job learning our offense. He's helped us in the running game, passing game and on special teams. He is in no way one of the most divine accidental signings we've ever made. Winks at Belichick
I'm just teasin', Bill! That last bit was a expletive joke, buddy!
WGS QUESTION: The Patriots are 9-2 despite a defense ranked at the bottom of the league in a few categories. What has been key to their success and how do you game plan for it?
BELICHICK as RYAN: Bill Belichick is the best coach in the NFL but my guys are going to win the Super Bowl. New England looks unstoppable sometimes but my team will stop them. We have the same record but the Jets have beaten the Patriots. Mark Sanchez sucks but he has my full confidence. I want a snack. Swear word, swear word, swear word.
There. I did it. I'm taking off this ridiculous vest now. Walks out
RYAN: Yelling Hey, now. That last bit about Nacho wasn't expletive funny. I've always loved that hotdog eating son-of-a-expletive! I love him like Tony Cromartie loves all 37 of his babies.
Ask me another question, missy.
WGS QUESTION: Oookay. Sure thing, coach. Speaking of Antonio Cromartie, how do you think he and Darelle Revis will play coverage with no Moss on your team?
RYAN as BELICHICK: They'll cover whoever we put on the field. And we'll play whoever's active. We'll do whatever's best for our team. Don't ask me about Moss. Don't ask me about Fred Taylor. Don't ask me anything unless you want me to make you feel like an idiot. I'm grumpy for no particular reason. So there!
Well, that was pretty fun! But it's time for lunch. Somebody find Nacho and make him get me lunch. Can I keep this little pom-pom hat? This is pretty expletive cute!
WGS: Uh, sure. Keep the hat. Thanks for stopping by, Rex. Good luck on Monday.
RYAN: The Jets don't need luck. Luck is for sissies! Like Ben Roethlisberger. That guy is a expletive sissy. Where the hell is Nacho? NACHO!