By Justin Aucoin
Holy cow. Fenway Park is an absolute mess. Its like a frat house on Yawkey Way. National Lampoon wishes it could come up with hijinx as crazy as the 2011 Boston Red Sox.
Take, for starters, the story about some of the Sox pitchers, during their off-days, were drinking in the clubhouse. It would explain for a lot of the crappy outings.
Someone should tell the boys you need usually need to win something before you can start drinking in the locker rooms. Booze mightve helped the Sox the World Series during the Era of the Idiots, but booze helped crumble the Sox in 11. John I cant believe I have to deal with this Lackey is no Kevin Millar.
But I suppose thats what you have to expect when half your pitchers appear in a crappy country music video about loving beer.
Maybe they shouldve been listening to more Queen instead.
And who gets blamed for all this rabblerousing and partying? The babysitter, of course.
Instead of disciplining the children, Daddy Henry, Daddy Larry and Mommy Theo fired the babysitter that helped bring Boston two titles after a million years of depression and people manage all the egos and craziness in the locker room. But when Mommy and Daddy spoil the kids with outrageous allowances, clearly its the babysitters fault.
Sox Nation, obviously, is not happy with the dismissal of Francona. Unlike front offices, fans typically hold the players accountable first. You can sum up how Sox fans feel with one photoshop.
Its not your fault. Its not your fault.
Meanwhile, as Francona is updating his resume and shining his World Series rings, the Sox are letting Mommy go out and date other people.
Then you have pitchers divorcing their cancer-stricken wives because in sickness and in health is more of a guideline than an actual promise, while others are getting slapped with child support papers. You have Big Papi admitting some of his teammates were lacking in the effort department (never good to hear when the payroll is a hovering around a zillion dollars) while Carl Crawful completely peed his pants while dropping a huge deuce on the field. But its cool though because he apologized for it.
Lets not forget that Theo spied on Crawford during the offseason, so theyd know what they were getting. Apparently, Bostons private investigators suck. We didnt know Lackey moonlighted as a detective, too.
And the only reason the Soxs playoff hopes didnt die sooner was because of an AAA catcher. What a farce.
Maybe its good the Sox blew it. Perhaps it was the necessary intervention the team needed five months off and away from each other. Maybe theyll grow up and mature a bit between now and then. Probably not though; not when Mommy and Daddy keep pampering to the kids every whim.
What a mess.
Hopefully the Sox hire a new janitor. Theyre going to need it.