By Mary Paoletti
CSNNE.com
This story is positively delightful:
"Drunks try to free trapped car with stolen Zamboni"
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I only heard about it because the blurb showed up in my February 28 issue of Sports Illustrated. A horrifying thought, eh? Had SI not picked it up as this week's "Sign of the Apocalypse" (a ridiculously unfair claim) this gem would have been doomed to die in that frigid wasteland some call "Canada."
You didn't need me to tell you that the incident happened in Calgary. Of course it happened in Calgary. I'm from an area of Maine where deer regularly block driveways and gangs of wild turkeys bully dogs in the yard. But even there people aren't thinking 'Friggin' cah is stuck ah-gain ...Zamboni'll fix-ah. A-yuh.'
I wrote that sentence and don't even know what it means. Point is, only in a denim-clad country where rivers run with Maple syrup and French mimes run wild through the streets could such a thing happen.
Let's be clear about something: The fact that some drunk dudes tried to steal an 8,780 lb. ice-smoothing machine is not what brings me joy. That idea could have been born on a toilet in an American frat house. What I love is the fact that those guys thought stealing a 'Boni was a practical solution to their car problem. To any problem.
Here are the highlights:
"...two apparently drunk men allegedly committed the most Canadian of crimes."
This is one of my favorite sentences of all time.
"Sgt. Kelly Oberg said the case is certainly unique and alcohol appears to be a factor.
"This is my first stolen Zamboni," he said."
I find this very, very hard to believe, Sargent Oberg.
This guy, East Calgary Twin Arenas operations manager, Ross Harris:
Official uniform of the Canadian civilian? Camo jacket: Check. Cowboy hat: Check. Too-tight dungarees: Check. Mustache: Check.
On the one hand, I'm bummed that Dumb Guy 1 and Dumb Guy 2 got busted. On the other hand, had they gotten away with it, Sports Illustrated wouldn't have had a story to pick up. And that means the dumb guys' mug shots wouldn't currently be framed in the Tim Horton's Hall of Fame.
(Attempted) Zamboni stealers, I salute you.