Brooks Laich has Aver-abies


Brooks Laich has Aver-abies

By Jon Fucile

When the Washington Capitals stop celebrating the fact that they DIDNT choke and actually made it by the New York Rangers, forward Brooks Laich should probably see a doctor.

According to the ever reliable, always honest and upstanding Sean Avery, Brooks Laich bit him at some point during the series.

There are just some things you don't do. You can punch a guy. Face wash a guy. Call a guy's mom a fat woman of loose morals. But you don't bite! That is over the line. Or something. Who knows.

If youre going to bite someone, just make sure it is not Sean Avery. Averys skin is lousy with infectious toxins! Mr. Laich has no idea what he has brought upon himself.

By now he probably has a fever. His skin feels like it is moving. He has weird thoughts running through his brain.

Suddenly he feels like he has no talent and wants to wear women's underwear. He has the urge to wave his hand in front of his coachs face when he is drawing up players at practice. If Laich sees a picture of Dion Phaneuf he instantly becomes annoyed.

Brooks Laich.has caught Aver-abies. There is currently no known cure. Laich will soon be a giant douche for the rest of his life. Hell suck at hockey and everyone will hate him. And those are some of the better symptoms.

Poor, poor Brooks Laich. Heres what you can expect to be like over the next couple weeks as the Aver-abies take over.

First, youll lose the desire to play hockey. Youll be at your local super market and pick up the latest issues of Cosmo and Vogue. Youll go home and draw sketches of dresses you want to design. Then youll stop showing up to practice and apply to be an intern for Teen Vogue magazine.

Soon after Brooks will have the urge to wear terrible, awful fashion accessories everywhere. The worst will be the giant sunglasses that hell wear anytime of day, regardless of the weather. Hell take pride in looking like a giant idiot.

After he gets a pair of the most ridiculous sunglasses he can find, Brooks will suddenly hate having anything that somebody else has not already had. New pair of pants? Nope, Brooks doesnt want that. Great looking steak dinner? If someone else has not already taken what they want from it, get it out of here!

Brooks will officially enter the Sloppy Seconds phase of his infection.

Hell go through the trash looking for food people threw out.

And try to date all of Averys ex-girlfriends.

Finally, Mr. Laich will develop a hatred for fat people, especially fat people named Martin. Hell taunt them any time he sees them. Hell call them names in front of their friends. Hell break rules to humiliate them.

Then the transformation will be complete. Brooks will be one of the biggest pieces of crap in history.

Abandon all hope Brooks Laich. Youre infected. Just give up now.

Rask stops 35 shots in Bruins' 2-1 win over Sabres


Rask stops 35 shots in Bruins' 2-1 win over Sabres

BUFFALO, N.Y. - Tuukka Rask made 35 saves to help the Bruins hold off the Buffalo Sabres 2-1 on Saturday

David Krejci and Patrice Bergeron scored to give Boston a 2-0 lead and the Bruins improved to 3-0-1 in their past four.

Evander Kane scored his first goal of the season for Buffalo. Robin Lehner returned after missing one game with a hip injury and made 32 saves.

The Sabres combined for nine goals in their previous two wins but the NHL's lowest-scoring team reverted to form from the first 21 games, when star center Jack Eichel was out of the lineup with a high-ankle sprain.

Krejci got the Bruins on the scoreboard with 5:50 left in the first when he deflected Brandon Carlo's slap shot from the point off the right post and into the net.

The Sabres appeared to tie the game late in the second period but replays determined Brian Gionta kicked the puck into the net.

Bergeron made it 2-0 at 7:10 of the second at 7:44 of the third when he knocked on the rebound of his own missed shot. Bergeron initially hit the puck with his forearm on the left edge of the crease and skated around the net to chase down the puck and slip a backhand past Lehner.

The Sabres answered two minutes later, scoring on Rask for the first time in 109:12 this season. Sam Reinhart's feed off the rear wall set up Kane for a wrist shot from the slot that bounced in off Krejci. Reinhart has five points in his last four games.

NOTES: Bruins F Matt Beleskey was escorted to the dressing room in the final minute of the first period with a lower-body injury and did not return. ... Sabres D Josh Gorges did not play after injuring his foot blocking a shot in Thursday's win over the New York Rangers. With Dmitry Kulikov (lower back) and Zach Bogosian (MCL sprain) also out, the Sabres were down three of their top four defenseman and recalled 19-year-old Brendan Guhle from the minors to make his NHL debut. Guhle hustled back to thwart a breakaway by Krejci late in the third period. ... F Anton Blidh became the seventh Bruin to make his NHL debut this season after being recalled from the minors on Friday. ... The Bruins scratched F Jimmy Hayes. D Zdeno Chara, the Bruins' captain, missed his sixth straight game with a lower-body injury. ... Rask got a shutout in Boston's 4-0 win over Buffalo on Nov. 7.


Bruins: Host Florida on Monday.

Sabres: At Washington on Monday.


© 2016 by STATS and The Associated Press.

Gronkowski put on IR, officially ending his season

Gronkowski put on IR, officially ending his season

The Patriots have placed Rob Gronkowski on injured reserve, officially ending the injured tight end's season. 

The Patriots have added running back D.J. Foster to the 53-man roster. 

Gronkowski underwent surgery on his back Friday in Los Angeles. There was some hope he might be able to return if the Patriots reached the Super Bowl, but this move ends that.

More to come...