Brooks Laich has Aver-abies


Brooks Laich has Aver-abies

By Jon Fucile

When the Washington Capitals stop celebrating the fact that they DIDNT choke and actually made it by the New York Rangers, forward Brooks Laich should probably see a doctor.

According to the ever reliable, always honest and upstanding Sean Avery, Brooks Laich bit him at some point during the series.

There are just some things you don't do. You can punch a guy. Face wash a guy. Call a guy's mom a fat woman of loose morals. But you don't bite! That is over the line. Or something. Who knows.

If youre going to bite someone, just make sure it is not Sean Avery. Averys skin is lousy with infectious toxins! Mr. Laich has no idea what he has brought upon himself.

By now he probably has a fever. His skin feels like it is moving. He has weird thoughts running through his brain.

Suddenly he feels like he has no talent and wants to wear women's underwear. He has the urge to wave his hand in front of his coachs face when he is drawing up players at practice. If Laich sees a picture of Dion Phaneuf he instantly becomes annoyed.

Brooks Laich.has caught Aver-abies. There is currently no known cure. Laich will soon be a giant douche for the rest of his life. Hell suck at hockey and everyone will hate him. And those are some of the better symptoms.

Poor, poor Brooks Laich. Heres what you can expect to be like over the next couple weeks as the Aver-abies take over.

First, youll lose the desire to play hockey. Youll be at your local super market and pick up the latest issues of Cosmo and Vogue. Youll go home and draw sketches of dresses you want to design. Then youll stop showing up to practice and apply to be an intern for Teen Vogue magazine.

Soon after Brooks will have the urge to wear terrible, awful fashion accessories everywhere. The worst will be the giant sunglasses that hell wear anytime of day, regardless of the weather. Hell take pride in looking like a giant idiot.

After he gets a pair of the most ridiculous sunglasses he can find, Brooks will suddenly hate having anything that somebody else has not already had. New pair of pants? Nope, Brooks doesnt want that. Great looking steak dinner? If someone else has not already taken what they want from it, get it out of here!

Brooks will officially enter the Sloppy Seconds phase of his infection.

Hell go through the trash looking for food people threw out.

And try to date all of Averys ex-girlfriends.

Finally, Mr. Laich will develop a hatred for fat people, especially fat people named Martin. Hell taunt them any time he sees them. Hell call them names in front of their friends. Hell break rules to humiliate them.

Then the transformation will be complete. Brooks will be one of the biggest pieces of crap in history.

Abandon all hope Brooks Laich. Youre infected. Just give up now.

Felger: Bottom's always up with Bruins


Felger: Bottom's always up with Bruins

Peter Chiarelli may be long gone from Causeway Street, but his spirit lives on. 

If someone can explain to me the Bruins' fascination with bottom-of-the-roster veterans with average talent, then I'd love to hear it. I used to think it was the problem of Chiarelli, the B's former general manager. But now I have to wonder if it's just in the water down there. And current GM Don Sweeney is chugging it.

I have no other explanation for the team's decision to sign defenseman Kevan Miller to a four-year (four!) extension worth $10 million yesterday. Miller is a nice role piece. But how that translates to four guaranteed years when he will turn 29 early next season and the Bruins have massive holes throughout their roster is beyond me. 

What's more, the B's already have nearly the identical player in Adam McQuaid, who is roughly the same age, same size, same shot (right), same injury history (poor) and plays the same role (bottom pairing, right side). McQuaid is a little less skilled than Miller, so of course, using Bruins logic, he makes a little more ($2.75 million). But McQuaid also got four years when he re-signed prior to last season.

Certainly, contracts worth $2-3 million annually aren't going to ruin your cap in a vacuum. But start adding them up you see how the Bruins got into trouble in the first place. Combine McQuaid and Miller's hits and you have $5.25 million of valuable space chewed up against the cap. Basically, that's the price of a solid, top-4 defenseman, which the Bruins need ten times more than a depth piece.

Scary. The Bruins currently don't have a No. 1 or a No. 2 defensemen. (Sorry, Bruins writers, Zdeno Chara belongs on a second pairing right now.) Yet they have decided to lock themselves up with a pair of No. 6 guys who basically duplicate each other. Again, why do the B's continue to overpay the bottom of the depth chart when the top is so lousy?

It's one thing for Chiarelli to overcommit to the likes of Chris Kelly, Rich Peverley, Dan Paille, Greg Campbell, Dennis Seidenberg, etc. Those guys at least helped you win a Cup and get to another final. From an emotional standpoint, you can explain those mistakes. But Miller? He's been a part of one of the worst defense corps in the league the last few years. He's been on a team that has failed to make the playoffs two consecutive seasons. How do you fall in love with that guy?

Please don't tell me that Miller would have gotten that contract on the open market. I mean, it's true; he probably would have. But what does that matter? Does that mean it's a good deal? Just because Colorado was willing to pay Carl Soderberg just under $5 million a season, does that mean the B's should have paid the middling centerman that money last year? Of course not. Use your head. Just because someone else gets stupid doesn't mean you have to.

You shudder to think what's coming next. Loui Eriksson is still out there as a pending free agent. Ditto for Torey Krug. On a good team, the former is a third liner and the latter is another third-pairing guy. Neither have been good enough to lift the B's above the playoff line the last two years despite playing prominent roles. Both are about to get overpaid on the market . . . unless the B's step in first and insist on being the team that gets stupid and overcommits first.

Given what we've seen with Miller, how can anyone be confident that the B's will be smart enough to pass? My confidence level on this is somewhere around 0.0.

Which is exactly how much cap space the B's will have left with this approach.

Email Felger at Listen to Felger and Mazz weekdays, 2-6 p.m. on 98.5 FM. The simulcast runs daily on CSN. 

Bill "Spaceman" Lee is running for governor in Vermont


Bill "Spaceman" Lee is running for governor in Vermont

BURLINGTON, Vt. — A former Major League Baseball player is running for governor in Vermont as a member of the Liberty Union party, which bills itself as nonviolent and socialist.

Bill "Spaceman" Lee tells WCAX-TV voters will "need umbrellas" if he's elected, because "it's going to be raining dollars," referring to money trickling down from the wealthy.

Lee pitched for the Boston Red Sox from 1969 to 1978. He was inducted into the team's Hall of Fame in 2008.

Lee says he's a "pragmatic, conservative, forward thinker." He supports legalizing marijuana, a single-payer health care system and paid family leave.

Carrabis: Do you trust Dombrowski to find relief help?


Carrabis: Do you trust Dombrowski to find relief help?

Jared Carrabis joins Sports Tonight to discuss the news that Carson Smith will undergo Tommy John surgery, and whether he has faith that Dombrowski will be able to find bullpen help.