Bieber's arraignment for crimes against Boston sports

Bieber's arraignment for crimes against Boston sports
November 18, 2010, 3:44 pm
Share This Post

By Mary Paoletti

This must all end . . . this Bieber . . . thing . . .that's been going on for two years.

I'd start by not writing about him here, but he won't leave sports alone. And as long as he continues to infect the world that WGS deals in then he's fair game for ridicule and torment.

Like this week. Yup, Biebs messed up again and he gon' and dun' it in my city. So WGS has decided to bring formal charges. Let's get this on.

In the case of the Commonwealth versus Justin Bieber:

On the night of November 17, 2010, at a so-called "concert" at the TD Garden in Boston, Massachusetts, you perpetrated several crimes. To the charges of

--Fraud (lipsyncing, you little punk), counts 00-19

--Blatant disrespect (Yankee hats on your dancers? Really?), count 20

--Stupidity (you can't claim that Shaq likes you then call Kobe the greatest), count 21

--and Mayhem (Tanguary and Felger still haven't recovered), count 22

How do you plead? Wait, let me help.


You are sentenced to what will be one of the most anti-climactic lives in the history of pop culture. Your voice will change, the movie you do with Paris Hilton and Mario Lopez will tank, an angry Shaq will find you, America and your mother will regret you, not even Canada will take you back, and Michael Felger will laugh the entire time.

Boston loves you, Biebs. Just don't let the door hit you on the way . . .