BY Jon Fucile
So youre at work, perusing some sport sites to avoid work at all costs when a headline catches your eye.
Barry Bonds due in court.
Wait what? Really!?
Barry Bonds is back in the news. Yup. Barry Bonds. You know, that guy that refused he did steroids even though there's a ton of evidence pointing the other way.
You see, Bonds is due back in court on multiple charges, including perjury. Yeah, instead of spending that time and money going after drug dealers or child molesters or buying a new ping pong table, the government is spending money charging Bonds for lying about steroids. If they were going to charge every baseball player that lied about doing steroids they'd be charging about 95 of players that played in the 90s.
Unfortunately for Bonds he told his lies before Congress and now they're super mad at him. I'm sure putting Bonds behind bars where he can't hurt anyone with his hurtful untruths will sure show him! They must be really bored in Washington D.C. if they're still wasting time with this.
Politicians lie before congress every day so it is kind of hypocritical of them to get all bitter and angry about Barry, but isnt that what congress is all about? Should be an entertaining trial!
Here's how we see it going down....
Stupid lawyer: Your honor, Barry Bands is a stupid dummy liar pants!
Judge: Obviously. Why are you wasting my time with this?
Stupid lawyer: Let me show you and the jury here some evidence your honor
Judge: No really, that isnt necessary were just wasting time and money here he obvio.
Judge: Definitely more muscle tone than Oprah, but I see your point. Can we just stop this now and.
Stupid lawyer: Id like to call a witness! I have some dude who worked with the Giants and has photographic evidence of how Bonds would inject steroids before every game!
Judge: Keep talking, Im just going to play some Xbox
Stupid lawyer: Mr. Steroid Expert, please show the court the pictures you took of Bonds in the Giants clubhouse.
Mr. Steroid Expert: As you can see here, Barry strapped a small device to his back that would pump heavy doses of steroids directly into his blood stream.
Stupid lawyer: And how would Barry react after using the machine?
Mr. Steroid Expert: Well first hed hit 7-12 homeruns and then.well, hed fly into a rage and destroy down town San Francisco. My assistant will play the video.
Judge: That just looks like a scene from Godzil.
Stupid lawyer: I know! Bonds is a monster! Id now like to call Liar McLiarpants to the stand!
Liar Mc Barry Bonds: Hey guys, what is going on? Sorry Im late, I had trouble fitting my head through the courtroom doors.
Stupid lawyer: Mr. Bonds, is it true youre an awful, awful cheater whose records should be stricken from the books and you should be tossed in jail with murderers, bank robbers and other terrible people!?
Barry Bonds: I dont like your tone.
Stupid lawyer: Confess! Confess you big headed jerk! NOW!
Barry Bonds: Youre making me angry.you wouldnt like me when Im angry.
Stupid lawyer: No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ROID RAGE!
Wow that ended poorly.