Due to the fact that tonight's Arbella Early Edition has been preempted by Celtics Pregame Live, we did not have a show meeting today. Therefore, I have decided to make up the meeting minutes.
DATE: Tuesday, March 11, 2014
SITE: CSNNE Conference Room
TOPIC: Fictitious Early Edition Meeting
ATTENDING: Kevin Miller, senior news director; John Zannis, executive producer; Bill Walsh, show producer; Jason Levine, Web master; Phil Perry, lead singer of a boy band; Rajon Rondo, captain; Darrelle Revis, All-Pro cornerback; Matthew McConaughey, Oscar winner. And featuring . . . Gary Tanguay.
Tuesday March 11, 2014
1. Bill Walsh opened the meeting at noon, but Rondo was still in his Mercedes in the parking lot, pouting.
2. McConaughey chimed in with an “Alright, alright, alright.” The entire room laughed . . . except me. I told Matthew that Bruce Dern should have won Best Actor. “That’s cool, that’s cool,” was all he could say, with that pearly white obnoxiously perfect grin.
3. Bill said we should talk Talib and the Patriots. Revis jumped in. “Talib can’t stay on the field! Eight million for him. That’s about right . . . he’s worth half of me.” I told Revis I agreed with him completely. Zannis called me a suck up. My response: " Hey, I didn’t laugh at McConaughey’s crutch signature line, like the rest of you losers.”
4. Rondo was still pouting in his Mercedes.
5. Kevin Miller asked, “What about the Patriots signing Verner?" Revis almost went over the table at the pride of Belleville, Illinois. “Don’t invite me here to insult me with such garbage!” cried the Island. Miller fired back, “No one invited you, Revis!” “Actually, I admitted, I did. “Darrelle wanted a tour of the studio.” “A tour!?” yelled McConaughey. “Alright, alright, alright!” I was ready to kill McConaughy. “Leo should have won best actor,” I told him, and I didn’t even see Wolf of Wall Street.
5. Rondo was still in his Mercedes.
6. Phil Perry, lead singer of boy band, said to McConaughey: “I loved you in the Wedding Planner. Can you get my demo to Simon Cowell?”
“You got a demo?” asked McConaughey. “Alright, alright, al . . . “ KA-POWEE! I couldn’t take it anymore and went over the table at McConaughey and punched him in those pretty white teeth. Revis went over the table at Kevin Miller and had him in a headlock. Defending his fearless leader, Zannis jumped on the back of Revis.
7. Rondo got out of his Mercedes and stormed into the meeting. “Tanguay! This is for you!” And then he fired a basketball right at my head and knocked me out cold. Where I currently remain.